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Can I PM/email anyone my narrative for advise? (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter louise08
- Start date
N
Nicola1616
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sure - jstanghebigpond.net.au
N
Nicola1616
Guest
cookie.banana
Banned
count me in
4u eng
4u eng
Yeah sling it my way
ashllis@hotmail.com
ashllis@hotmail.com
-may-cat-
Tired Member
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righto, well i cant be much help in the conceptual department cuz i studied journeys, but in terms of language and form, its very simplistic. You have focused your story on events, and while you have added bits and pieces of the characters emotions and thoughts etc, they are too focused around the events.
You need to go deeper into the character Brooklyns feelings, bring in a memory or something as a starter point, how it made them feel, what certain things remind them of, make them smell, feel, see think etc.
When you do begin to discuss these things, really draw them out, spend many sentences just describing what is felt, extended metaphors are good here. All this emotive language is truly more important then the plot, it allows the marker to really care about what your characters are going through.
Also, if you really want to wow them, you need to step away from traditional sequenced/linear story, break things up with avant garde structure. perhaps tell the story from several characters perspectives (if you do this the plot must be further simplified and you really have to centre in on the characters thoughts and feelings).
Or a have a change in time, marked by new paragraphs etc, really use your imagination. One word paragraphs are good for adding emphasis in a crucial turning point in your story/character. Play around with sentence structure, if you want the story to become very tense and dramatic quickly, go for short, sharp sentences, do tyhe opposite for the opposite effect.
Also, maybe its just me, but i feel your ending is a bit rushed, maybe work on that? draw it out a bit further. I like the quote at the beginning but you need to link it into your story more to give it more purpose, otherwise its just kind of hanging there. Titles also make for good marks.
sorry if i rambled, good luck!
You need to go deeper into the character Brooklyns feelings, bring in a memory or something as a starter point, how it made them feel, what certain things remind them of, make them smell, feel, see think etc.
When you do begin to discuss these things, really draw them out, spend many sentences just describing what is felt, extended metaphors are good here. All this emotive language is truly more important then the plot, it allows the marker to really care about what your characters are going through.
Also, if you really want to wow them, you need to step away from traditional sequenced/linear story, break things up with avant garde structure. perhaps tell the story from several characters perspectives (if you do this the plot must be further simplified and you really have to centre in on the characters thoughts and feelings).
Or a have a change in time, marked by new paragraphs etc, really use your imagination. One word paragraphs are good for adding emphasis in a crucial turning point in your story/character. Play around with sentence structure, if you want the story to become very tense and dramatic quickly, go for short, sharp sentences, do tyhe opposite for the opposite effect.
Also, maybe its just me, but i feel your ending is a bit rushed, maybe work on that? draw it out a bit further. I like the quote at the beginning but you need to link it into your story more to give it more purpose, otherwise its just kind of hanging there. Titles also make for good marks.
sorry if i rambled, good luck!
louise08
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- 2009
YOU DID SUCH A FABULOUS JOB! Thankyou!hingec said:
The lines you used to break up the paragraphs.. should I keep them or were they just for editing purposes? I have seen them before in short stories, but I have never had the guts to use them ha.
hingec
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I had them as a way of breaking up the flashback sort of temporal fragmentation (yes, i said that just to sound pretentious). They aren't essential and if they're not something you put in normally you probably shouldn't keep them, i think the paragraphing works well enough with the blank lines..
But then again, I like them
Really more use for longer stories though where its not just single paragraphs that are removed from the narrative flow.
But then again, I like them
Really more use for longer stories though where its not just single paragraphs that are removed from the narrative flow.
louise08
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- Female
- HSC
- 2009
Okay, so I'm keeping themhingec said:I had them as a way of breaking up the flashback sort of temporal fragmentation (yes, i said that just to sound pretentious). They aren't essential and if they're not something you put in normally you probably shouldn't keep them, i think the paragraphing works well enough with the blank lines..
But then again, I like them
Really more use for longer stories though where its not just single paragraphs that are removed from the narrative flow.
I also liked the way you started new lines througout the same paragraph! That is another technique I haven't used before, but I like it!
I hope you realise you are my lifesaver!!! I feel much more confident in my story now.
So do you think it is all set? Or any other changes?
* I removed the parent part to fix up the word limit.