English belonging creative story (1 Viewer)

[Ballinnn]

Hey I was just wondering If anyone could look at my belonging story and critique it. It would be much appreciated ! Every time i show it to my teacher he says its good then I always end up getting 12/20 in the exam....so i decided to see if anyone would like to give me advice on it here!

 

[resourceater]

where is it?

 

[Ballinnn]

On my computer! Ill send it through the site...