Essay Paragraph Feedback (1 Viewer)

[Nickozhang]

Could someone take a look at my paragraph in response to the following q, and whether its overly sophisticated. I'm not sure if I need more definitions or if it even makes sense. Would it be state-rank worthy or should I make my writing more simple?

Q: To what extent do influences on operations affect the strategies implemented by a business.

Operational functions of business are now obligated to consider environmental sustainability and sustainable economic development as part of a broader alignment with corporate social responsibility (CSR). To sustain their reputation among stakeholders, MNCs must implement long-term strategic changes to the transformation process, changing the business model to philanthropise their vision statements. CSR changes require the vision of MNCs to align with environmental considerations and be principally intertwined with the CSR portfolio, rationalising programmes as a way of upholding societal trends. Holistically adopting CSR principles ensures coherence with the business model and many corporations have been obligated to extend application of CSR values to their new products or service design and development strategies (NPSDD). Any new product that is ethically and environmentally sustainable, is reliant on the materials and transformation process that it undergoes. MNCs must now implement innovative and differentiated goods and services, utilising new product development strategies to simultaneously ensure products meet both CSR and quality management objectives. IKEA, a multinational conglomerate recently introduced their Circularity and Democratic Design objective as part of their 2024 operations strategy. Decades of increasing CSR pressures has led to IKEA’s many sustainability initiatives and programmes which continue to uphold their vision statement. An obligation to uphold environmental and ethical concerns around global sourcing has placed IKEA in a position where they must adapt their NPSDD strategy to encompass KPI’s and objectives surrounding environmental impact. New objectives in their testing and assessment stage of the NPSDD ensure products are durable and effectively utilise sustainable materials for long-term use. These CSR requirements have forced businesses into employing symbiotic strategies which change NPSDD operations strategies, whilst protecting the operations resources on which they depend upon.

 

[jimmysmith560]

Here is what I think:

Operational functions of business are now obligated to consider increasingly considering environmental sustainability and sustainable economic development as part of a broader alignment with corporate social responsibility (CSR). To sustain their reputation among stakeholders, MNCs must implement long-term strategic changes to the transformation process, changing the business model to philanthropise their vision statements. CSR changes require the vision of MNCs to align with environmental considerations and be principally intertwined with the CSR portfolio, rationalising programmes as a way of upholding societal trends. Holistically adopting CSR principles ensures coherence with the business model and many corporations have been obligated to extended the application of CSR values to their new products or service design and development strategies (NPSDD). Any new product that is ethically and environmentally sustainable, is reliant on the materials and transformation process that it undergoes. MNCs must now implement innovative and differentiated goods and services, utilising new product development strategies to simultaneously ensure products meet both CSR and quality management objectives. IKEA, a multinational conglomerate recently introduced their Circularity and Democratic Design objective as part of their 2024 operations strategy. Decades of increasing CSR pressures has have led to IKEA’s many sustainability initiatives and programmes which continue to uphold their vision statement. An obligation to uphold environmental and ethical concerns around global sourcing has placed IKEA in a position where they must adapt their NPSDD strategy to encompass KPI’s and objectives surrounding environmental impact. New objectives in their testing and assessment stage of the NPSDD ensure products are durable and effectively utilise sustainable materials for long-term use. These CSR requirements have forced businesses into employing symbiotic strategies which change NPSDD operations strategies, whilst protecting the operations resources on which they depend upon.

Overall, the paragraph is well-written (including from a content and case study perspective), with some parts that can be written in a simpler way and others that can be written more concisely. You should also avoid using additional words that increase word count but do not necessarily add meaning to the sentence.

I hope this helps!

 

[Nickozhang]

Tysm man. I'll make some tweaks to it now

 

[Legendary16]

Could someone take a look at my paragraph in response to the following q, and whether its overly sophisticated. I'm not sure if I need more definitions or if it even makes sense. Would it be state-rank worthy or should I make my writing more simple?

Q: To what extent do influences on operations affect the strategies implemented by a business.

Operational functions of business are now obligated to consider environmental sustainability and sustainable economic development as part of a broader alignment with corporate social responsibility (CSR). To sustain their reputation among stakeholders, MNCs must implement long-term strategic changes to the transformation process, changing the business model to philanthropise their vision statements. CSR changes require the vision of MNCs to align with environmental considerations and be principally intertwined with the CSR portfolio, rationalising programmes as a way of upholding societal trends. Holistically adopting CSR principles ensures coherence with the business model and many corporations have been obligated to extend application of CSR values to their new products or service design and development strategies (NPSDD). Any new product that is ethically and environmentally sustainable, is reliant on the materials and transformation process that it undergoes. MNCs must now implement innovative and differentiated goods and services, utilising new product development strategies to simultaneously ensure products meet both CSR and quality management objectives. IKEA, a multinational conglomerate recently introduced their Circularity and Democratic Design objective as part of their 2024 operations strategy. Decades of increasing CSR pressures has led to IKEA’s many sustainability initiatives and programmes which continue to uphold their vision statement. An obligation to uphold environmental and ethical concerns around global sourcing has placed IKEA in a position where they must adapt their NPSDD strategy to encompass KPI’s and objectives surrounding environmental impact. New objectives in their testing and assessment stage of the NPSDD ensure products are durable and effectively utilise sustainable materials for long-term use. These CSR requirements have forced businesses into employing symbiotic strategies which change NPSDD operations strategies, whilst protecting the operations resources on which they depend upon.

It's a solid paragraph, though you may need to review the following given your concerns above
1.A definition for operations influences at the beginning of your paragraph would be helpful in providing a direct link to your syllabus content.
2. Probably write the full form of MNC before abbreviating it throughout.
3. Again you could provide a definition or short explanation for new service design and development or other strategies you have specified to further showcase your syllabus knowledge.
4. Good structure and cohesion, though I would add a link to overarching business goals and objectives at the very end, essentially how influences affect the strategies employed to conduct operations processes, which in turn work towards the role of operations. Given that you are talking about CSR, good/service differentiation is ideal.
5. The vocabulary is strong here, and that is good. Unless you can easily apply this in an exam situation, perhaps you could consider simplifying parts.
I hope this helps

 

[Nickozhang]

thanks sm for all the feedback mate!! I wouldn't bother memorising this so I probs can't replicate this in an exam anyway .