Friends with an Ex (1 Viewer)

[smegger_em]

Just wanting a little feed back...

I broke up with a guy well over a year a go, but we have remained very close and I would consider him one of my best friends.

We have both moved on from the relationship and their are no residual romantic feelings, but still a very strong connection - we have very similar senses of humour, interests and ideas etc. We are not living in the same city any more so we don't see one another, but we do email frequently and talk on the phone occasionally.

The problem is his new girlfriend. She is constantly asking him to stop contacting me, and he has refused to. They have broken up over this several times, though they are now back together. One of the conditions of them getting back together was that he does not call me, only email, and that we not see one another if we happen to be in the same city.

The poor guy is really torn, and is doing his best to try and keep her happy without letting me down, so I am trying to be as understanding as possible.

But from my point of view, his gf does not have a leg to stand on. He has always been super honest with her about me, saying from when they first got together that I was still in his life and would be for a while. I think its completle unacceptable to ask your partner to stop communicating with a friend, and that you have a responsibilty to deal with your own insecurities rather than projecting them onto someone else.

Anyway, I was just wondering if I was just being blinded by my own interests or if other people would agree that the new girlfriend is in the wrong. Any thoughts would be great!

 

[nwatts]

no, the new girlfriend is a huge cunt. and don't feel anything for the guy for taking shit like that. if you and this bloke wanted to be together, you would be. alas you're not. this girlfriend can't handle that, and needs to be put down.

if there was more to the situation than you're aware of, ie. he admitted to the gay eff that he was still attracted to you, she put her foot down to save the relationship they have, then it's understandable if a bit annoying. however if it's as you described, then yeah, both your mate and the girl are retarded.

you can't stop someone from seeing friends. fucking ridiculous.

 

[AsyLum]

Insecurity on her part, taking yourself away would only make him resent her more and break up with her.

You've done nothing wrong, give the gf a swift knee to the vadge.

 

[smegger_em]

It's so frustrating - if any other friends girlfriend were treating them like this I would be screaming 'just dump the crazy bitch!' but because he's my ex, I don't want to sound like I am not over him and just hate her becuase I am jealous.

It's funny, I am the only one of all his friends who is not screaming at him to stop letting her be such a manipulative controlling bitch, yet I am the one that she hates!

I just can't understand why he is still with her. She has started going through his phone and emails to see when I have been in contact with him. She refused to attend a dinner he was having for his birthday if I was there, so he ended up cancelling it (even though i offered to just not go.)

I can only assume that the sex (or her powers in manipulation and guilt-tripping) are amazing.

 

[kazan]

punch her teethy vagina, and then get back with him

 

[townie]

Insecurity on her part, taking yourself away would only make him resent her more and break up with her.

You've done nothing wrong, give the gf a swift knee to the vadge.

qft

 

[Nakashima]

I'm sure he'll dump her soon enough.

And you don't need to feel guilty about it because even if she didn't have a problem with you, she would've pushed him over the edge by being a cunt about something else.

 

[Ben*]

id say dont change your stance on anything, just ride things out the way they are, and eventually: 1)that girl will realise she is a total bitch; 2) your boy will realise she is a total bitch. whatever you do, dont try to influence him too much - play the 'aww poor you =P' card, until he dumps her.

what im confused about is, if there is no romantic feeling between you and your ex, what are you wanting? are you really concerned for your ex's position, or do you want to rekindle something?

im leaning towards the latter, judging from your posts =p

 

[Ben*]

but fireflower, theres no denying some care for each other is involved i mean, the amount of time spent with / spent talking to someone is indicative of _something_ isnt it?

 

[glitterfairy]

So? I have hour-long chats with some of my perfectly platonic male friends. That doesn't mean we're romantically inclined. Just because you're of opposite genders doesn't mean it's impossible to be able to be 'just friends'... especially if you have similar interests/same sense of humour etc.

I can kinda understand why the girlfriend is concerned. I probably would be too, if I were in her position (even though I know several girl/boy best friend combinations where they went out for a year or two, then broke up, but still remained really good friends). Fireflower's advice is spot on. Put yourself in the girlfriend's shoes - she wants reassurance that she's not going to be dumped. No matter how many times he tells her you're not interested, she's probably not going to believe this until she hears/sees it from you (girls are naturally insecure like this, I think).

However, if you've already done your best to convince the girlfriend that you're not interested in her boyfriend romantically and she STILL wants you out of the picture, then the relationship may not end up that good (but that's your best friend's business, remember - let him deal with it )

 

[Ben*]

@glitter:

I didnt say it had to be something romantic, i just meant indicative of _something_. i.e. it could indicate her friendship with him(the ex) is greater than his caring/relationship for his new girlfriend

 

[glitterfairy]

ohhh ok

hmm. So long as the guy makes quality time for his girlfriend, and isn't constantly blowing off dates so he can spend time with his mates (such as smegger) then I think it should still be fine.

Once you start putting limitations/restrictions on a relationship (eg "you must sped x out of y hours with me" or "the ratio of time you spend with me vs your other friends must remain 50:50"), things start going downhill :/

 

[dodgyfilokid]

she is jealous...she feels threatened by you coz she senses that if you two remain good mates then there may be a slight chance you two will get back together..i dont know the real dynamics but seriously she is gettin manipulative of him and she needs to stop it..im jz wonderin why he hasnt left her..like cmon there has to be something with her thats not making him leave...being friends with an ex is achievable only if both sides including the new figure all agree to get along

EDIT: i have a particularly rocky relationship with my ex now cause she sets too many no nos like me not talkin to her mates and stuff..im like wot the hell is wrong with her..we did have a fight after my formal (we broke up week before it but took her anyway)which i admit to startin but i dunno

 

[SamTan*06*]

yea, i totaly agree with u. She is jelous. The only thing u can really do, is try and support ur friend. As u said, he's pretty torn. Kinda goind thru the same thing; good friends with the ex. We're into the same things, and we're both similar in a number of respects. the difference is, I still like him. Alot. I think he doesn't hav anyone, but i know that if he did, I'd be insanely jelous. So, i guess u could think urself lucky; ur not jelous.

 

[smegger_em]

I have offered (via my mate) to talk to her/email her/meet up with her and try and explain things from my point of view, as I sort of hoped that if she got to know me as a person (rather than as this threataning abstract ex who caused problems for her) then she might be able to deal with things better.

But that just made her scream at him that she couldn't believe he would ask her to do that, what sort of person would ask that blah blah bla, whinging-bitch-cakes.

It's really dumb, both my friend and I (i.e. the people who were in the relationship!) have been able to move on from it, but she hasn't. And I agree that by setting rules that she is only making it worse.

I think it all stems back to the fact that she has been cheated on by past boyfriends, which I suppose is where the insecurities come from. But I just don't think its fair of her to project all of that onto my mate, who is the most honest guy and would never cheat on her.

Jezzmo, I am loving your genocide plan - girls like this one give all girls a bad name!

And Ben, I don't want to get back with my ex- my dislike of the new girlfriend and anger over the situation is much more maternal than romantic - I love the guy and he doesn't deserve to be put in the position that he is in.

 

[nwatts]

she'll never get over the cheating scars if she doesn't put trust in someone else again. and she obviously doesn't trust him to have a normal relationship with you, so she's digging herself a hole.

talk to your mate about it. tell him that it's not a matter of wanting him back, but that this girl is upsetting you and damaging your friendship. if he's a friend worth keeping he'll take it on board and do something about it.

 

[azzie]

Well-
I've been in a situation where I didn't like the fact that my boyfriends best friend was a girl, because I've been cheated on pretty horribly by a guy. I don't much like or trust committment.
BUT
I would meet that girl and tell her my concerns blah blah. Get to know her a bit and so on. That makes you feel more secure about the boy/girl best friend relationship.

If she's refused to get to know you, and just treats your best friend/her boyfriend like a stupid git for even mentioning it, then she's simply irrational and there's not a lot you can do about it.

I'd think he'll break up with her quite soon, there's no point being in a relationship where people aren't willing to hear each other out and be rational.

 

[lengy]

Ah, this situation. A mate from highschool was dating his girlfriend ( they are still together ) but he was asked not to speak to a female friend whom he was close friends with at her request and he obliged. Up to the person really. Who do you hold closer? Have to ask yourself that.

 

[Redgoddess]

Oh man that'd suck. Me and my ex are like best mates, i'm just glad i'm friends with his new girl and she knows that there's nothing suss between us. I'm with everyone else here who's said that the relationship will no doubt selfdestruct because of her possessiveness and controllingness and jealousy and so forth, so just wait it out. fucking crazy bitch (his girl that is, not you)

 

[glitterfairy]

Well-
I've been in a situation where I didn't like the fact that my boyfriends best friend was a girl, because I've been cheated on pretty horribly by a guy. I don't much like or trust committment.
BUT
I would meet that girl and tell her my concerns blah blah. Get to know her a bit and so on. That makes you feel more secure about the boy/girl best friend relationship.

If she's refused to get to know you, and just treats your best friend/her boyfriend like a stupid git for even mentioning it, then she's simply irrational and there's not a lot you can do about it.

I'd think he'll break up with her quite soon, there's no point being in a relationship where people aren't willing to hear each other out and be rational.

she'll never get over the cheating scars if she doesn't put trust in someone else again. and she obviously doesn't trust him to have a normal relationship with you, so she's digging herself a hole.

quoted for truth.