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Help Creative writing! (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter lebron96
- Start date
BigBear_25
Member
Well there is some sense of journey but it is too short so the journey isnt very evident and the story ends abruptly. You need to say that the murderer had a scar sometime before the end so that the marker can make the connection without you needing to write it.
The descriptions are pretty good. Use some similes and metaphors to strengthen you response.
Hope that helps
The descriptions are pretty good. Use some similes and metaphors to strengthen you response.
Hope that helps
ElendilPeredhil
Member
I like the first paragraph, very descriptive and unique. Some problems that I assume are cause by English not being your first language? Sorry if it is I guess it’s just poor sentencing then.
I must admit that whilst this story has promise I don’t understand it. The going back in time thing is fine but what murder are you talking about? Who was murdered and how can one “wake up lying on my bedside” and still be in a taxi?
Why is the old man who drives the taxi not wearing a shirt?
Wouldn’t it be better, if you are doing what I think you are, to have the scar someplace like his hands, somewhere you would be likely to see?
Try describing the person as a young man, and the person as an old man in a way other that 'he had a scar, and the other guy had a scar!!! OMG SAME PERSON!!'
It makes it extremely obvious that the scar is significant, wheras if you had buried the scar in the description, so to speak, it would be more…surprising.
One other thing I just noticed. You are a HSC student so a young man I assumed would be anywhere from 16-25….now this young man was alive in 1923…and if he was 16 he was born in 1907…and in 2003 he would be 96. Isn’t that too old? And if indeed he is meant to be that old, surely a 96 year old deserves more description that the simple ‘old’- as that tends to refer to anyone from 50 to 90.
So yeah, who was murdered? And, whislt I'm at it, you should describe the murder scene better because it makes it more emotive, and there needs to be some impact because, well, its murder, not tying your shoes.
I guess it’s just poor sentencing then. I must admit that whilst this story has promise I don’t understand it. The going back in time thing is fine but what murder are you talking about? Who was murdered and how can one “wake up lying on my bedside” and still be in a taxi?
Why is the old man who drives the taxi not wearing a shirt?
Wouldn’t it be better, if you are doing what I think you are, to have the scar someplace like his hands, somewhere you would be likely to see?
Try describing the person as a young man, and the person as an old man in a way other that 'he had a scar, and the other guy had a scar!!! OMG SAME PERSON!!'
It makes it extremely obvious that the scar is significant, wheras if you had buried the scar in the description, so to speak, it would be more…surprising.
One other thing I just noticed. You are a HSC student so a young man I assumed would be anywhere from 16-25….now this young man was alive in 1923…and if he was 16 he was born in 1907…and in 2003 he would be 96. Isn’t that too old? And if indeed he is meant to be that old, surely a 96 year old deserves more description that the simple ‘old’- as that tends to refer to anyone from 50 to 90.
So yeah, who was murdered? And, whislt I'm at it, you should describe the murder scene better because it makes it more emotive, and there needs to be some impact because, well, its murder, not tying your shoes.