Hi - thesis evaluation (1 Viewer)

[lookoutastroboy]

Is this thesis good?

The capacity for individuals to contribute their values to a community/group can present dangers to social stability and traditional values. Perceptions of the ‘outsider’ resulting from a lack of knowledge of identity and shared experiences can create negative stereotypes and fear. Through the missed opportunity of building acceptance and personal connections, the notion of collective identity and values is lost, inviting a destructive cycle of contempt. Only through overcoming such barriers can society become a character of value, self-worth and purpose.


Any tips would be great!


Cheers,
L.A.

 

[acehscwebsite]

Is this thesis good?

The capacity for individuals to contribute their values to a community/group can present dangers to social stability and traditional values. Perceptions of the ‘outsider’ resulting from a lack of knowledge of identity and shared experiences can create negative stereotypes and fear. Through the missed opportunity of building acceptance and personal connections, the notion of collective identity and values is lost, inviting a destructive cycle of contempt. Only through overcoming such barriers can society become a character of value, self-worth and purpose.


Any tips would be great!


Cheers,
L.A.

The text in bold is probably your main focus/ the crux of your thesis. Any other points that you present after that can be probably woven in with your texts in the introduction. This will probably make your introduction more succinct and you will get in done in less time. However, it is a solid introduction, but like I said, you can tend to waffle when your thesis is that long! Best of Luck

 

[yours]

You're throwing around the right sorts of words, but it sounds clumsy.

"Only through overcoming such barriers can society become a character of value, self-worth and purpose."

how can society become a character??

A thesis is supposed to be one sentence long. Then you introduce the texts, some techniques and concepts that engage with your thesis.
It isn't concise enough. Be blunt.

Also, the first sentence and the second sentence each sound like their own thesis.

"The capacity for individuals to contribute their values to a community/group can present dangers to social stability and traditional values."
-my rewording
An individual's personal values can conflict with those of the larger community. (then i would go on to list said values)

"Perceptions of the ‘outsider’ resulting from a lack of knowledge of identity and shared experiences can create negative stereotypes and fear"

-there's so much going on in this sentence I'm not sure if I can condense it. I know you've taken the keywords from the rubric and inserted them, but maybe it's too much like this? I would try to sprinkle them throughout my essay rather than cram them all into the thesis. You could write a paragraph about 'identity' and tie in how group Y doesn't identify with character X due to their lack of shared experiences (shown by blah blah blah) in this way identity shapes ones sense of belonging.. or something. lol

You've got some really good ideas in your thesis, I just think you should spread them throughout your essay. These are your gems that are going to pop up in the topic sentences one by one. Ideally the thesis just answers the essay question in one line.

I hope I helped! I'm just a student too so take my advice with a grain of salt. =)