"How do you know you're not cold hearted?" (1 Viewer)

[ShadowLighte]

So my guy friend was poking my arm purely for attention and when I pushed his hand away I felt that his skin was really warm to hot (at least in comparison to me) and asked him why his skin was so hot. He said it was because he was hot a little coyly but anyway, he took my hand and pressed it to his skin, saying it was cold and asked why I was cold blooded which I misheard for 'cold hearted' and a little defensively denied that I was cold hearted before he repeated what he said and I simply said I didn't know (I mean what else do you say?).

He went on to talk about how it's said that cold blooded people have warm hearts but before I could say aw to that, he said that I didn't and that I was cold hearted. That's when I denied being cold hearted again in which he asked how I knew that I wasn't cold hearted. The first thing that popped into my head was 'because I have feelings' but that sounded weird and whiny, otherwise I didn't know how to answer (I would have defined cold hearted which is not showing sympathy and lacking the ability to show affection and whatnot and proved otherwise but whoops, that thought came too late). I asked him how he thought I was cold hearted and he gave me non serious answers though I'm certain there was truth in it.

1) Silent -which I denied as an adjective to describe a cold hearted person
2) I glare -apparently. No one has ever said that to me and I don't think I glare, I only frown and I'm mostly aware that I do and have been told that. I denied glaring but he insisted -light heartedly- and I said what he could consider glaring might not be what I consider glaring but he refused to let it go.
3) & 4) were joking ones like not letting him play with me (because he's 5 apparently) and doing things for him.

It was pretty much left at that and I'm fine but thinking about it again (which isn't going to be the last time I think about it), what if he seriously thinks that I am cold hearted and don't have any feelings and whatnot? I wouldn't exactly be surprised if that were the case but I don't want him thinking that.

I'm actually the opposite. I'm really introverted and am nervous around people which is why I remain silent or at least quiet until someone talks to me or asks me something and am too sensitive and emotional though I can see why he would think the opposite as I do know that I come off as a little apathetic or hostile even as I'm .. unsure about expressing my feelings. They're a little too intense and people used to call me really moody so yeah, I control my feelings most of the time and keep them in.

How do I prove that I'm not cold hearted? I guess I shouldn't have to prove anything but I don't like the thought of him seeing me as a cold hearted person all of these years that we've been friends and not realising. Should I just tell him what I just explained? -sighs- Would it be weird to bring up the convo? It sounds like dropping an argument and picking it up again the next day.

 

[Kymren]

I Am/Was the same?
I skipped year six and didn't know anyone at high school so I was really nervous and a bit intimidated (not because I wasn't smart enough I was in all the tip classes). So I kept my distance from everyone, never taking risks and revealing my feelings. It was like being two different people. At school I was always very restrained and cautious of what I said, only really talking about school related stuff. As I got more confident I began to loosen up a bit, and people notice!
It's a bit daunting when you come face to face with the fact that you appear to others as cold hearted or uncaring, but it also helps a lot. As you gain confidence you will find it easier.

"Life is short, live it.
Love is rare, grab it.
Anger is bad, dump it.
Fear is awful, face it.
Memories are sweet. Cherish them..."

 

[deloving]

I'm actually the opposite. I'm really introverted and am nervous around people which is why I remain silent or at least quiet until someone talks to me or asks me something and am too sensitive and emotional though I can see why he would think the opposite as I do know that I come off as a little apathetic or hostile even as I'm .. unsure about expressing my feelings. They're a little too intense and people used to call me really moody so yeah, I control my feelings most of the time and keep them in.

I think his definition of cold-hearted may be how you just described yourself. Your quietness may come off as a little bit hostile to some people.

Basically, try to become more cheerful? I know it sounds simple. And I know it isn't. What I mean is open yourself up. Let your feelings go and don't worry about the "consequences". Just let yourself go bit by bit.

When you mention you "control my feelings" and "I'm unsure about expressing them"... is that in normal day-to-day situations? During normal conversations?

 

[enoilgam]

I'm actually the opposite. I'm really introverted and am nervous around people which is why I remain silent or at least quiet until someone talks to me or asks me something and am too sensitive and emotional though I can see why he would think the opposite as I do know that I come off as a little apathetic or hostile even as I'm .. unsure about expressing my feelings. They're a little too intense and people used to call me really moody so yeah, I control my feelings most of the time and keep them in.

How do I prove that I'm not cold hearted? I guess I shouldn't have to prove anything but I don't like the thought of him seeing me as a cold hearted person all of these years that we've been friends and not realising. Should I just tell him what I just explained? -sighs- Would it be weird to bring up the convo? It sounds like dropping an argument and picking it up again the next day.

Reading this reminds me exactly of a conversation I had with a friend of mine a few weeks back. She is similar in that she is very quite and introverted and that comes off as cold-hearted (but in reality she is really nice and giving). I think some people feel a bit awkward expressing their emotional side because they are afraid of feeling vulnerable. I know it isnt the advice you wanted, but I told her that she shouldnt have to prove anything - if people cant see the truth, then that is their loss and it says more about them than you.

 

[ShadowLighte]

I Am/Was the same?
I skipped year six and didn't know anyone at high school so I was really nervous and a bit intimidated (not because I wasn't smart enough I was in all the tip classes). So I kept my distance from everyone, never taking risks and revealing my feelings. It was like being two different people. At school I was always very restrained and cautious of what I said, only really talking about school related stuff. As I got more confident I began to loosen up a bit, and people notice!
It's a bit daunting when you come face to face with the fact that you appear to others as cold hearted or uncaring, but it also helps a lot. As you gain confidence you will find it easier.

"Life is short, live it.
Love is rare, grab it.
Anger is bad, dump it.
Fear is awful, face it.
Memories are sweet. Cherish them..."

It's comforting knowing that I'm not the only one but having to experience that isn't great. How did you become more confident is what I'm really curious about though. It is a bit daunting but I'm more curious than anything else because people don't really talk to me about the way that they see me- maybe they think I'll bite off their heads or something LOL. Nice quote. Good things to keep in mind.

I think his definition of cold-hearted may be how you just described yourself. Your quietness may come off as a little bit hostile to some people.

Basically, try to become more cheerful? I know it sounds simple. And I know it isn't. What I mean is open yourself up. Let your feelings go and don't worry about the "consequences". Just let yourself go bit by bit.

When you mention you "control my feelings" and "I'm unsure about expressing them"... is that in normal day-to-day situations? During normal conversations?

Yeah that's probably it. Haha, I don't really know how to be cheerful if that makes any sense. I mean, I'm not pessimistic and look sad all the time though it isn't uncommon for people to ask if I'm tired a lot, I do laugh and smile and everything, it's more like I don't really express myself in any way. Like I answer people's questions but don't talk about what I like or am passionate about or anything remotely personal unless asked because half the time people don't really care what you think. Or maybe that's just what I think and I've been hanging around the wrong crowd.

I'll try to do that, be more open and talkative. I do worry about the consequences a lot. Yeah, that's normal day to day situations and every conversation I've had that I can remember. And I do realise that 'normal' people so to speak, don't do this.

Reading this reminds me exactly of a conversation I had with a friend of mine a few weeks back. She is similar in that she is very quite and introverted and that comes off as cold-hearted (but in reality she is really nice and giving). I think some people feel a bit awkward expressing their emotional side because they are afraid of feeling vulnerable. I know it isnt the advice you wanted, but I told her that she shouldnt have to prove anything - if people cant see the truth, then that is their loss and it says more about them than you.

Oh yes, being afraid of vulnerability is definitely a thing. Because people can use that for the wrong reasons. Eg, if someone knows you get upset about something and they want to be mean to you they'll do exactly that. Hm, that's true. Yeah, good point there. Thing is, I think I've been so hidden within myself that I don't exactly know how to get out. So um, yeah... I suppose I really need to learn to open up and trust people but it's hard doing that without a close friend to encourage/ support you, at least for the time being anyway.

 

[Kymren]

How did you become more confident is what I'm really curious about though.

I realised people weren't as scary as they may have seemed!
There's no instant way to become more confident, it takes time. I find it helps to find something your good at and find friends that have similar interests or talents. I'm good at sax and I have a lot of friends that play music.
The people around you are really important.

I really need to learn to open up and trust people but it's hard doing that without a close friend to encourage/ support you, at least for the time being anyway.

I still have trouble with trust, it's harder than you could imagine to really trust someone. Having a close friend does help, but in the end only you can really do anything about it. There are also different types of trust, I find I can trust people to do the right thing by me, but I find it really hard to tell them anything personal.
I guess I'm naïve and untrusting? If you get what I mean.

 

[Mdyeow]

I actually think he's into you. But feels like you're pushing him away even if you haven't been, explicitly.

There's nothing wrong with you. You may want to read this. It made me realise a lot of things which had perplexed me about my behaviour in the past.

Don't change for other people, only for you.

 

[ShadowLighte]

I realised people weren't as scary as they may have seemed!
There's no instant way to become more confident, it takes time. I find it helps to find something your good at and find friends that have similar interests or talents. I'm good at sax and I have a lot of friends that play music.
The people around you are really important.

I still have trouble with trust, it's harder than you could imagine to really trust someone. Having a close friend does help, but in the end only you can really do anything about it. There are also different types of trust, I find I can trust people to do the right thing by me, but I find it really hard to tell them anything personal.
I guess I'm naïve and untrusting? If you get what I mean.

No, of course there isn't an instant way. If that were the case everyone would be confident. Yeah, if there's anything I regret is not picking up a skill and mastering it so there'd be a more solid reason as to why I should be confident with myself- that's not to say that if you don't have some sort of talent/ skill you're not worthy, it's just easier to see and accept.

I know how you feel. That pretty much describes me to a T in terms of being able to trust people to a degree. If they're a generally good person then you can trust them with simple things but it's hard talking about personal things, no matter how much you want to.

I can very much empathise with your situation. I am often misinterpreted as being cold-hearted in real life as well, but that is because I commonly act indifferent and space myself from others. However, there were closer individuals in my life who understood that I was not cold-hearted. Ultimately, there should also be people in your life who understand you after being with you for a while. It sounds like this individual you are talking about in particular may be a little ignorant of who you actually are and is possibly even slightly embittered by how they perceive you to be.

If you are not comfortable with being more extroverted, then you do not need to be more extroverted. Do not prove yourself for someone else. Either way, it is hard to shift such a behaviour, since how you are is founded on many aspects (some that you might not be aware). It seems that if you two have been friends for years, maybe it is not that much of an issue. If it is an issue for him, it appears he has tolerated it or values what he perceives to be your strengths more.

Oh yes, how you don't really react to everything with emotion as if it's spectacular and the distant thing? I've been accused of being unemotional (though some just wonder why I'm so calm) and I do tend to try and not get too involved with people as most of the time it doesn't end so well on my part. Though we are friends, I do think he's pretty ignorant about me and not just because of this event either.

I would like to be more extroverted, it's just difficult because I've been this way for so long that it feels fixed. I think it is an issue but yeah, he's tolerated it though he tolerates everything and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't say anything earlier because he was wary of how I'd react. Maybe he thought I'd bite his head off or something.

I actually think he's into you. But feels like you're pushing him away even if you haven't been, explicitly.

There's nothing wrong with you. You may want to read this. It made me realise a lot of things which had perplexed me about my behaviour in the past.

Don't change for other people, only for you.

Haha, oh goodness, this again. I could seriously write you a short novel regarding whether or not he may have feelings for me. I wouldn't have thought it would be considered from this little incident. I'm curious as to what made you think that though. Well, I actually have been pushing him away and for a while now though he doesn't seem to get the message. Yes! I have that book and have been wanting to read it for a while now but haven't gotten to reading it. Thanks for the reminder, I'll shift it up as a priority.

Yeup, no one is worth changing for except yourself.

 

[Castiella]

You remind me of myself. Constantly misunderstood. I think you'll be fine. Maybe you should talk to him about it. If you're uncomfortable with bringing it up out of no where then if you ever see the chance, tell him what you just explained to us. If he understands, that's great but if he doesn't that's his problem okay? You're worth more than his judgement of you. I assume you have been friends with him for a while and if he still doesn't know what you're really like then that's a little worrying. Ask him, it'll help sort things out. Possibly clear any misconceptions of you. Good luck

 

[ShadowLighte]

Thanks guys, we'll see c: