Mark my speech (1 Viewer)

[kaz1]

We had to write a monologue (max 3min) about Holden Caufield from the Novel The Catcher in the Rye. We had to write a monologue in the point of view of another characters point of view. I wrote in the point of view of Mr. Antolini ( the gay guy).

________________________________________________________________

Holden Caufield was a very unique individual. I have never taught another student like him. He is very intelligent but he never applied himself at Elkton Hills. I like to think that I was his favourite teacher because he doesn’t seem to see me in the persona of a teacher or an authority figure like he saw Mr. Spencer but more as a friend or an older brother type of person. We were actually quite close because me and my wife use to play a bit of tennis with him.

During the Christmas break Holden called me up in the middle of the night. I was a little surprised at first but I invited him over anyway, I thought he might need a bit of help. Now you might think that a teacher getting this close is not right to a student but you gotta remember that he isn’t my student anymore and he is quite an unique individual. So I invited him to my house. He told me about his journey around New York and how he left pencey prep. I was quite worried about his story and he is heading for a major fall a fall that will leave him frustrated embittered but I also gave him advice that he should apply himself to his studies so that he doesn’t fall although I don’t think that my advice really got to him. I gave him another piece of advice that all his affairs with phonies may be worth writing about one day. He probably won’t accept that advice as well. He is extremely stubborn.

After our little discussion things went in a very bad direction and I mean bad, as bad as the goddam holocaust. He was to sleep in my apartment tonight so he slept in the couch. He fell asleep very quickly. I then thought “boy this guy has gone through a lot and he desperately needs some love and affection”. So I started patting him on the forehead. He woke up soon after and he looked as scared as a child on their first day of school. I then realized that I had made a horrible mistake and he most likely took my act of reassurance as homosexual and Holden seemed like the homophobic type. He got dressed as quick as a prostitute gets undressed and said e had to get some things.. Boy does he lie, I knew he was leaving and he was never coming back the same as his respect for me. I left the door open in the slightest of chance that he might come back but I knew that it was no use.

[FONT=&quot]I went back to bed breathing like a sprinter after a 100m race. I started telling myself geez you are a complete asshole. That’s another student that hates you. I subsequently started thinking how did I gain Holden’s respect in the first place? It was most likely when that kid jumped out the window and got splattered and how I was the only guy that check to see if he was okay. That’s probably the day I gained his respect and I lost his respect today. He’ll probably go and tell everyone I’m like one of those catholic priests. Man I really blew it.[/FONT]

 

[Scinery]

i cant really criticize, but if your short a few seconds... i would just add a little more depth in analysing holden himself from antolini's POV. steal some extra marks.
​

 

[bored of sc]

Holden Caufield was a very unique individual. I have never taught another student like him. He is very intelligent, but he never applied himself at Elkton Hills. I like to think that I was his favourite teacher because he doesn’t seem to see me in the persona of a teacher or an authority figure like he saw Mr. Spencer. He thinks of me more as a friend or an older brother. We were actually quite close because my wife and I used to play a bit of tennis with him.

During the Christmas break Holden called me up in the middle of the night. I was a little surprised at first but I invited him over anyway. I thought he might need a bit of help. Now you might think that a teacher getting this close to a student is not right but you have to remember that he isn’t my student anymore. He is quite a unique individual. So I invited him to my house. He told me about his journey through New York and how he left Pencey Prep. I was quite worried about the decisions he was making. He was heading for a major fall; a fall that would leave him frustrated and embittered. But I also gave him advice: that he should apply himself to his studies, so that he doesn’t fall and his life shatters into pieces. However I don’t think that my advice really got to him. I gave him another piece of advice: that all his affairs with phonies may be worth writing about one day. He probably won’t accept that advice as well. He is extremely stubborn.

After our discussion things went in a very bad direction; and I mean bad, as bad as the god-damn Holocaust. He was to sleep in my apartment tonight so he slept on the couch. He fell asleep very quickly. I then thought to myself; “boy this guy has gone through a lot and he desperately needs some love and affection”. So I started patting him on the forehead. He woke up soon after and he looked as scared as a child on their first day of school. I then realized that I had made a horrible mistake and he most likely took my act of reassurance as homosexual. Holden seemed like the homophobic type. He got dressed as quickly as a prostitute gets undressed and said he had to get some things.. Boy does he lie. I knew he was leaving and he was never coming back; just as his respect for me was lost in an instant. I left the door open in the slightest of chance that he might come back. But I knew that it was no use.

[FONT=&quot]I went back to bed breathing heavily; just like a sprinter after a 100m race. I started telling myself: 'geez you are a complete asshole!' That’s another student who hates you. Subsequently, I started thinking - how did I gain Holden’s respect in the first place? It was most likely when he jumped out the window, got splattered and how I was the only person that check to see if he was okay. That’s probably the day I gained his respect and today I had lost every last inch of it. He’ll probably go and tell everyone I’m like one of those Catholic Priests. Man I really blew it.[/FONT]

I have had a play around with it and I enjoyed reading it (nice job). If you don't like what I've done with it don't use it. My main criticisms are lack of punctuation (commas, capitalisation), the use of pronouns (keep it particular: instead of some boy use the word he), the length of your sentences (sometimes they are too long) and some of the descriptions are too hyperbolic (heaps exaggerated that it almost loses it's expressive power e.g. Holocaust reference) <--- but that's being REALLY picky. Other than that - you write well: you have good sentence structure and your choice of words is generally very good. I haven't read the text but what you have above made alot of sense and I could picture the situation in my head nicely.

Good job man.

 

[-WaxingLyrical-]

Decent, but there's a few things you might want to fix up. This is meant to be some sort of stream of consciousness writing hey? I've read the book, but is this piece meant to reflect on the aspects of his character/his 'voice' that Holden reveals in the book, or can you just give him any voice you like?

Some aspects you may want to consider:

Your character's 'voice' - in any monologue, because all you're getting are the thoughts of the character, their voice is the most important thing. Needs to be more consistent. I notice that you shift between colloquialisms and a really 'proper' voice, but it's a bit clunky. I think he's not as 'proper' as some of the sentences suggest, so you might want to lengthen some of them out/merge some, because short sentences are used to make a person sound more terse.

Use of tense is inconsistent - you can't say Holden 'was' a unique individual (suggests that he's dead, for one thing), then follow it up with he 'is...' (1st and 2nd sentences).

Also, change the 'act of reassurance as homosexual' to 'act of reassurance was sexual'. It works better. Word choice is really important as well e.g. don't use 'subsequently' in stream of consciousness writing - you're not writing an essay here, this is a person - just write like you would normally write. Watch out for punctuation as well, as bored of sc's already covered.

Hope that helped.

EDIT: Actually, just fix this entire sentence up - 'I subsequently started thinking how did I gain Holden’s respect in the first place'. Gramatically, it makes no sense whatsoever.

 

[kaz1]

I have had a play around with it and I enjoyed reading it (nice job). If you don't like what I've done with it don't use it. My main criticisms are lack of punctuation (commas, capitalisation), the use of pronouns (keep it particular: instead of some boy use the word he), the length of your sentences (sometimes they are too long) and some of the descriptions are too hyperbolic (heaps exaggerated that it almost loses it's expressive power e.g. Holocaust reference) <--- but that's being REALLY picky. Other than that - you write well: you have good sentence structure and your choice of words is generally very good. I haven't read the text but what you have above made alot of sense and I could picture the situation in my head nicely.

Good job man.

Thanks for your input bored of sc. I will consider your changes.

 

[kaz1]

Decent, but there's a few things you might want to fix up. This is meant to be some sort of stream of consciousness writing hey? I've read the book, but is this piece meant to reflect on the aspects of his character/his 'voice' that Holden reveals in the book, or can you just give him any voice you like?

Some aspects you may want to consider:

Your character's 'voice' - in any monologue, because all you're getting are the thoughts of the character, their voice is the most important thing. Needs to be more consistent. I notice that you shift between colloquialisms and a really 'proper' voice, but it's a bit clunky. I think he's not as 'proper' as some of the sentences suggest, so you might want to lengthen some of them out/merge some, because short sentences are used to make a person sound more terse.

Use of tense is inconsistent - you can't say Holden 'was' a unique individual (suggests that he's dead, for one thing), then follow it up with he 'is...' (1st and 2nd sentences).

Also, change the 'act of reassurance as homosexual' to 'act of reassurance was sexual'. It works better. Word choice is really important as well e.g. don't use 'subsequently' in stream of consciousness writing - you're not writing an essay here, this is a person - just write like you would normally write. Watch out for punctuation as well, as bored of sc's already covered.

Hope that helped.

EDIT: Actually, just fix this entire sentence up - 'I subsequently started thinking how did I gain Holden’s respect in the first place'. Gramatically, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Thanks.

 

[selablad]

The beginning paragraph is very awkward, I thought. Probably because my English teacher gave us a huge angry lecture about show-don't-tell today, so that's why I'm thinking about it But yeah, the first paragraph is pretty much telling the listener exactly how Holden thought of him, and what he thought of Holden, instead of telling it. If that makes sense. But pretty much it just feels more stunted and fawkward than the rest of the story, which is more relaxed. And I think it's because you're telling too much...

 

[kaz1]

The beginning paragraph is very awkward, I thought. Probably because my English teacher gave us a huge angry lecture about show-don't-tell today, so that's why I'm thinking about it But yeah, the first paragraph is pretty much telling the listener exactly how Holden thought of him, and what he thought of Holden, instead of telling it. If that makes sense. But pretty much it just feels more stunted and fawkward than the rest of the story, which is more relaxed. And I think it's because you're telling too much...

Which is pretty much what you have to do ( I emailed the teacher).

Thanks for your advice.