[Official Critique Thread] (2 Viewers)

[AsyLum]

Post your stories here, and get feedback, basically by those who have done it, are doing, or just interested.

Rules:
[x] Keep things constructive, no one wants to be shot down in flames at this stage by someone who simply wants to crap on.
[x] No foul language, or personal attacks, or flaming. We are here to help you out.


Remember, all we can give is advice, ultimately the buck stops with you as a writer, but remember to take upon these as critiques and suggestions.

 

[sickwithlove]

ok i'll go first... eep!! !! I know the ending is dodgy but it's being worked on!!!

 

[jhakka]

I'm not trusting enough. Sorry.

 

[*Flutterby*]

jhakka i didnt wanna be the one to say it but i agree so bad

 

[Llyrai]

Yeah, Ill post mine up. Um, due to my limited abilities with web creation, you'll just have to suffer reading it without the post-modernist style layout. It doesnt make that much of a difference anyway.

Its at: http://i.1asphost.com/lyradis/the beast.htm

So yeah, all comments/questions appreciated! so fire away. Post the comments/questions up here, or send me a message via email/pm yeah? Thanks heaps!!

Hope you enjoy it

 

[clerisy]

Mine's not ready to be sent out into the big bad world yet.
ie its currently crap but has an optimistic future, and I couldn't bear to hear it criticised for what it is not supposed to be.

One of these days.

By the way, llyrai and sickwith love, I've saved your works and will get back to you when Ive read them! How exciting!

 

[400miles]

Hey Llyrai I think your story is great... I really think you have a fantastic writing style and the story really captured me... The only thing I would say is just make sure your proof-reading and editing is done well... I picked up a few typos when I read it.. I can't particularly remember them now but there were a few... i think one of them was like a sentence where you said 'His angry now'... but I don't know ... lol...
But other than the typos it was really good I thought. I liked it. It expressed the issue of conformity in a really well written way I thought.

And I read sickwithlove's story too... I thought it was cool and again I think you have a fantastic writing style... I wasn't a huge fan of the ending, I thought it was very obvious and coincidental... but I loved the idea of it being cluedo, and I loved the beginning and middle!

I would post mine but It's not finished yet.

 

[chandelier]

Open the envelope,
Overall I had to say it was pretty good, really nice concept and I liked the killer’s motivation. Sometimes the writing is good, and other times it’s a bit awkward.…I’ve included more specific comments below.

"See you at The Ballroom tonight Scarlet. It will be a very fancy evening; that is, if you live to see the whole night through my dear Miss Scarlet. You walk out of the hospital and into the sunlight. Make sure you don’t wear white Scarlet. I hear that blood stains."
- I think you named her name too much, but the closing line sounds really good.

Uhm, I didn’t think there was enough of a leadup to where Rebecca discovers who she thinks the killer is.
I like how used newspaper stories and tables.
And I thought how you used repetition was very effective
Some bits were funny, although – and it could be just that I’m slow- but I had to go back and re-read some sentences to get it.
Also the tone and overall atmosphere I liked. It had a good sense of urgency that moved the story along.

I hope you don’t think I’m being anal or anything, I’m just giving the sort of response that I’d like to hear.

 

[chandelier]

With Llyrai's story,
i found the writing to be really good, i agree and think you have problems with typos and mixing up past/present/future tenses (unless that's part of ur whole post-modern thing?)
The concept, i think, is cliche - but u pulled it off well.
And also, this could be just me, coz i'm a bit slow...but i didn't really get ur ending, it sounded nice...but i wasn't really sure what had just happened
Oh, also, ur title sounded really cool

 

[Grey Council]

hrm

While I'm not ready to show my work to others, I'd like to contribute something as well:

How to critique a work

 

[sickwithlove]

thanks guys 4 ur feedback so far - it has all been glued in the journal!!...this is the new end for my story...i'm pretty happy with this end, so let me know how it goes!!

 

[Grey Council]

LOL! Not bad!

I think I'll post up my work too, maybe during the holidays.


Hrm, how bout we all start a yahoo group or something, and then critique each other's work?
Cause, frankly, what I don't like is people looking at my work/stealing my ideas, yet contributing nothing.

Hrm, it might not make sense to you, but its how i feel.

 

[sickwithlove]

yeah i'm wit ya all the way! my story has bin downldd 38times and there's like 5 ppl that hav commented on it!! i figure that i hav u guys as my witnesses plus my journal if there are anymore cluedo inspired tales crossing the marking tables!! lol

 

[stazi]

Ok, I'll post mine up. This is my first draft with only about the first 3 pages 2nd draft quality.

 

[Llyrai]

Hey everyone, thanks for the replies to my story, much appreciated!

Spelling/punctuation: Urgh...hate it hate it hate it! LOL. I'm going to consider them technical difficulties that will be easily overcome when it needs be! (at the very end) so i wont bother with it till then.

I like my writing style too, but im still getting comments form my teacher that say i still need to define my own unique style. Which is slightly confusing since they also said before my proposal that they want to see me drawing from other writers. Still, im still going to maintain that this writing style is my own hahah.

Tense has always been a problem of mine. I havent managed to overcome it yet. There was a time when i had change pov's and tense intentionally for effect, but i decided to get rid of it all. Tense, i'll be able to fix up later, another technical difficulty.

I tried to get my idea as far from unoriginality as possible, but for now, im going to keep the idea as it is. I dont think it'd be apropriate for me to change it now, i couldnt manged to fit more in.
I've been layering my ideas over one another. Like, for example, there's the obvious idea of anti-conformity, but i also tried to adapt an idea i found in a story called "the lost thing' by shaun tan. Its good, if anyones read it, they'll understand what i mean. Simple, yet really nice. So that ideas going to be placed in it too. Then there are other themes that arise in the ending scenes, especially the dialogue, but im still trying to draw it it out and make it a bit more obvious.

My ending, its difficult to explain. You know the interaction between John and Rhys, well, John knows about the problems that Rhys sees, that is, things like social convention and conditioning, and all that, but he understands, yet conforms with the knowledge of confroming. But Rhys however, doesnt understand it.

Its confusing, I'll post it up a newer version later, and hopefully it'll be clearer.

Yeah anyway, thanks heaps to 400miles, chandelier and danie who sent the email. Appreciate it.

 

[AsyLum]

ROFL @ copying. That will always happen, noone has an original idea these days. You getting your fellow Ext2 people to read it is exactly like getting others to read it here.

Thanks for those that have participated and the rewards far outweigh any such problems you may conceive. ( especially since the very nature of the diary, reflection statement and the work itself make it almost impossible to copy someone elses work. remember there aint too many of us doing this course. )

For those having trouble with getting others to read it, i hope you reconsider and realise the potential value it has on having a great amount of people and perceptions at your disposal at one place.

 

[stazi]

it's not very hard to write fake entries into your Journal. I filled my drama IP journal (96 pages) the day prior to the assessment with a fake process and everything.
As for people stealing ideas though, to me it seems liek everyone will already have written their major work at this stage.

 

[AsyLum]

oh fake entries are easy, but to justify their purpose and need plus the very fact that unlike drama there really is a lot of research expected to be undertaken by the person.

 

[stazi]

u obviously don't do drama a vast amount of research needs to be undertaken.
For my Group Project, I've filled up a 64 page book and we haven't even gotten 1/2 way through our performance.
My IP has about 200 pages of research

 

[Llyrai]

LOl. Ive faked most of my entries, and alot of the rest are irrelevant. So, i wouldnt say my journal is much use. My teacher would kill me if she heard me saying that hahaha, so i say lines like: DAmn....i wish i had my journal with me....AHahha