Poem? (2 Viewers)

[Aaron06]

Hey guys,

Just wondering if you could evaluate my poem and tell me what you think about it and suggestion on ways to improve it.

It's not for an assignment or competition. It's just a way to express my thoughts.

Thanks. =]

"My life" By Aaron Fordham

I drive along the dusty road,
with arrows pointing to north.
Still, there is no destination.
No cars pass

and nobody waves,
ever since I left.

As I look around,
the rain drizzles from the taps above,
and the mist rises that covers a feet above the ground.

It starts to rain heavier from
every turn of the wheel.
I go around the last bend

and I look ahead,
only to notice a folk in the road.

Two people emerge,
and clash their swords against their wooden shields.
Their backgrounds contrast each other,
one in darkness, the other, in a bright light.
Yet, they don't pass the point of inflexion.
As a girl in the distance stands in the middle watching

surrounded by white clouds

I pull over trying to get my bearings,
where a knock on the window caught my attention
"Get out! Get out!" He exclaimed,
I then realised I wasn't on a road,
I was driving through a piece of my mind.

 

[Tulipa]

what you need to try to do is less of telling a story per say and using more metaphor, descriptive language.

work on your punctuation and your line breaks. you're using line breaks where you could be using punctuation.

"As I look around,
the rain drizzles from the taps above,
and the mist rises that covers a feet above the ground."

that stanza is not really poetic, more a sentence that you've broken up. Also the last line is worded poorly, not really making much sense.

it's okay, but you've used quite basic language, try to find deeper meanings and use more emotive language to express yourself.

 

[Aaron06]

Ohhh yeah thanks. =P

English teacher tells me that all the time. "Less story telling"

I actually thought about it in the shower and thats where I was heading with the second stanza with the tap.

And the mist is the steam.

Well thanks for that. Really appriciated.

 

[nwatts]

if you want stories, start writing short stories instead of poetry. walk before you can run.

 

[shimmy&shine]

Hey guys,

Just wondering if you could evaluate my poem and tell me what you think about it and suggestion on ways to improve it.

It's not for an assignment or competition. It's just a way to express my thoughts.

Thanks. =]

"My life" By Aaron Fordham

I drive along the dusty road,
with arrows pointing to north.
Still, there is no destination.
No cars pass

and nobody waves,
ever since I left.

As I look around,
the rain drizzles from the taps above,
and the mist rises that covers a feet above the ground.

It starts to rain heavier from
every turn of the wheel.
I go around the last bend

and I look ahead,
only to notice a folk in the road.

Two people emerge,
and clash their swords against their wooden shields.
Their backgrounds contrast each other,
one in darkness, the other, in a bright light.
Yet, they don't pass the point of inflexion.
As a girl in the distance stands in the middle watching

surrounded by white clouds

I pull over trying to get my bearings,
where a knock on the window caught my attention
"Get out! Get out!" He exclaimed,
I then realised I wasn't on a road,
I was driving through a piece of my mind.

hey, you should visit the NSW - HSC- English ext 2 - Poetry boredofstudies site.
All the poets mingle there, and we could give you some feedback as well.

But from general impressions, you are bordering prose/poetry.
Be really careful with line breaks, it seem that you use enjambment whenever you like, for example

It starts to rain heavier from
every turn of the wheel.

I would have broke off the first line after 'rain'. This is a personal choice, otherwise most people would say, after 'heavier', instead of 'from'.
I would of wrote it like this,


It starts to rain
heavier
from every turn of the wheel.

Firstly because of rhythm and sound. It starts to rain... from ev[U/] ery turn of the wheel

When writing it free verse, and prose poetry, people tend to overuse linebreaks for no other reason than because they feel like it. But in a poem everything has to match, cohere and sustain interest in the reader, and that is by skillfully utilising every poetic technique. Especially with sound. This is the most important aspect in poetry, no matter what type. Read Neil Astley's essay 'The Sound in poetry'.

The other reason what I would have isolated the word 'heavier' is not just for emphasis and stress, but for a different type of impact. I sensed that a change was occuring with 'It starts to rain', and that is a pretty straightforward statement, that everyone is familiar with. But as the reader continues, onto the next like with 'heavier' they are more inclined to go 'hey this may indeed symbolise something, something i wasn't expecting is being introduced'. Then you balance it out for the reader by continuing on with the third line. It's always nice to provide an element of 'surprise' and 'change' on every new line. Poetic techniques, inlucing line breakes, equates to purpose!

You need to be more explicit. Let the reader do some work, but don't forget you need to provide the imagery for the reader to understand all the tangents you introduce throughout the poem. The two swordfighters, the girl, the idea that their backgrounds are contrasted. I like the compass and bearing motif, well done with that. That's a tanglible aspect that works well here. But back to the point, what are you indicating with, let's say the girl watching surrounded by white clouds? WHY? Give a context, and it can be said in a few words. Use a metaphor or a smilie, so that the reader can enjoy the double layer, and extract more form her presence. Does that make sense? Hope it does, I don't think I'm being articulate enough, but by just using a simple metaphor, the reader can go 'aah, i see, and apply different notions and be challenged, and provoked to think more deeply. This is the purpose of poetry, to express a notion in different way so that the reader can take something out of it. With your poem, you express an interesting notion but the reader is in a position to say, 'so what'. give your work some solidity.

I would of written maybe,

As a girl, upside down,
two feet in the air and
palms placed on firm ground,
in the distance
is in the middle watching

propping up white clouds

I think I lost the meaning of your poem. Your intentions weren't to clear, so I've applied my own thoughts and shaped the character into something else. An elusive character. But all I want to show you is that by doing what I have done, you've gone beyond saying 'there is a girl' and just boringly describing her, but instead 'showing' an intersting image that tantalises with the reader's imagination affectionately.

Also, please as a rule in poetry (let's not get on to the subject of 'experimentation'), do not start a line with 'and'. That's self-explanatory I hope.

You repeated 'I look'. try to avoid this because it seems meaningless, I doubt you have purposefully used the repetition technique. Your not enforcing any ideas with this. Use different words. Broaden your vocabulary. Maybe not use the word 'look' at all. What are you look at? I try to picture something, and all there is is a dirt road. Instead of 'I look around', 'I pull in the elements around me'?

Additionally, (and I promise this will be my last point)

and the mist rises that covers a feet above the ground.

well, done with the idea. there is a simplicity and immediacy, but it lacks substance. So to correct this, you may say something along the lines,


a layer of mist like lost breath
rises above the ground

hhmmm, I'm not even sure I like whatI've written, but it's from the top of my head.

There are a few other things I want to say but when I have some time.
As an amateur poet, like I am, it's always good to recieve, blunt, honest, well-intentioned, and harsh criticism, because that is the only way to develop as a poet. To lie around in complacency is not going to achieve anything, it's really about striving to get honest, really honest feedback, so I hope I've helped!

you're writing nice stuff, so continue to do so, well done, and I can't wait to see more of your poems.

 

[shimmy&shine]

I've always been meaning to use this:

like stolen rain

but I think you could use it more effectively in your poem.
so you can 'have' it. lol, sounds like I'm giving you a property, but anyways, I hope you like it.

 

[shimmy&shine]

I was driving through a piece of my mind.

what do you mean by this. A 'piece' of mind? that's not clear enough, and it nearly doesn't make sense.

'I was driving through my mind' is enough. Then work on it to be more specific.
Using the word 'piece' doesn't work.

Keep working on it.

 

[666_blessings]

The poem reminds me of Peter Skyrzenecki (thematically anyway). I suppose it's a good thing because everyone else seems to think he's brilliant. It's a bad thing because I despise the man (Hsc compulsory study bias).

 

[Tulipa]

what do you mean by this. A 'piece' of mind? that's not clear enough, and it nearly doesn't make sense.

'I was driving through my mind' is enough. Then work on it to be more specific.
Using the word 'piece' doesn't work.

Keep working on it.

i'm going to completely go against what you said and say to keep that line.

it works beautifully as an original image. just simply saying "I was driving through my mind" might be enough but that extra touch makes it work better as a poetic image.

 

[shimmy&shine]

i'm going to completely go against what you said and say to keep that line.

it works beautifully as an original image. just simply saying "I was driving through my mind" might be enough but that extra touch makes it work better as a poetic image.

no, it is too jarring, especially as the last line.

and I wasn't saying that he should just write 'I was driving through my mind', I was suggesting that he might want to improve it by using a word other than 'piece'.

Alas, it is times like these when the subjectiveness of poetry causes conflict.

personally, he has to keep working on the line.

It's an original image because it doesn't make sense, maybe that's why it has never been used.

aaron should change the line, not discard it at all.

On another much deeper level, and this usually happens when one isn't really captured by the words and just reads too deeply into it...

the word 'piece' kindles the readers mind (usually academic and highly literate readers, and I'm not saying I am) of the word 'peace'. One doesn't connote the other but there is a suitable relationship between the words there that fits into the context. or does it? Because 'peace' completely shatters the erreatic nature the poem is about. Therefore to use 'piece' isn't quite suitable. BUT the poet could be utilising irony with thqat notion.

Anyway these are all my personal opinons and I respect yours Tulipa. I'm not saying I'm right, because in poetry the boundary between right and wrong is blurred, but I'm just sharing an opinion.

But I hope what I have noted helps.

 

[shelly cat]

Did Robert Frost inspire you? Isnt the metaphor a little cliche?

 

[sclis]

Did Robert Frost inspire you? Isnt the metaphor a little cliche?

YOU ARE A LITTLE CLICHE!

 

[nwatts]

YOU ARE A LITTLE CLICHE!

nice one.

your mum's a little cliche.

 

[shelly cat]

Wow that was a higly intellegent come back. Why even bother?

 

[nwatts]

Wow that was a higly intellegent come back. Why even bother?

i'm like that.

and on the actual topic of this thread, i pretty much agree with everything tulipa says. the last post shimmy&shine made was a pretty huge wank.

 

[Tulipa]

i'm like that.

and on the actual topic of this thread, i pretty much agree with everything tulipa says. the last post shimmy&shine made was a pretty huge wank.

cool

cause i agree with that last statement.

the line she was talking about made total sense. she just doesn't see metaphorical imagery and wants "literal" poetry which is just boring!

stupid ee2 poets. come to university and we'll talk

 

[shimmy&shine]

i'm like that.

and on the actual topic of this thread, i pretty much agree with everything tulipa says. the last post shimmy&shine made was a pretty huge wank.

ouch!

Actually I read it again and said to myself the same thing... a pretty huge wank...

What a coincidence.

 

[shimmy&shine]

But that doesn't mean I'm backing down, because I'm not going to change my mind. I still don't like the word 'piece'.

Call me a wanker, and I'd love to talk about this over coffee at university one day.

Nwatts, you are doing the course I'm dreaming about!

 

[nwatts]

haha yeah it's nothing personal.

it's a good course too. hard work, but i'm loving it.

 

[katykins]

doesnt tickle my pickle