Pressure + family issues (1 Viewer)

[Castiella]

I'm not sure where to post this so I guess anyone is free to move it where it belongs. Right now I'm doing okay I suppose, not the best but I'm trying to do better.

I'm in a situation that involves family issues mostly. It is personal and I mean, if you don't want to know about my personal problems then by all means but anyway, just a note. So in the middle of last year my mum caught my dad cheating on her. They've been together for 20+ years and of course they fight like any married couple but nothing like that ever happened and my dad of all people was essentially the last person I would think of that would have an affair though I'd think most people would say that about their parents (my dad's nerdy, awkward and doesn't really understand sarcasm, if you know what I mean)

So this all happened around June/ July and apparently had been happening for several months prior. I have to admit that I did help my mum with finding out the info and everything because she isn't very good with technology so I kind of feel guilty. After about three days of screaming, denial and accusations, he finally admitted that he did contact the other woman. My mum didn't throw him out (like I probably would have, depending on the situation) but she made him promise that it would never happen again and he would never contact her. She also spoke to the other woman and she said that the relationship between herself and my dad was purely "friendship" though she too said she wouldn't contact my dad. My dad also had to apologise to her as well as my younger brother and I- the fact that he was told to apologise and was reluctant to do so made me suspicious already and from that point, naturally I lost most of my respect for him. Not just because he did what he did but because after three days of screaming he would not admit to it though there was evidence right in his face and he kept denying her existence.

We all thought this was done and dusted over and by the beginning of this year, I thought perhaps I could forgive my dad at least a little. He would always be my dad and there really was no point in holding a grudge over him for the rest of my life. Long story short, my mum found out that he was still in contact with her from his contact list on his phone (FaceTime might I add, so there wouldn't be a record on his phone bill). She didn't tear at him as soon as she saw him. Nope, she considered it and told me before confronting him, just so I knew what was going on and I guess to prepare myself. She confronted him and he denied it, not answering her questions and saying that she was out of the country because she doesn't have legal documents (dead giveaway already there).

This was two days ago. Yesterday she confronted him again at night and he denied everything. There was so much screaming, cussing, threats etc. as well as doors slamming (he managed to get her near the doorway and push her out of the room and slam it on her while holding it closed which is extremely childish imo). It scared the hell out of me, I was pacing in the back room and felt so uncomfortable and uneasy. Kind of like my life was being threatened though it wasn't. He never answered any of her questions and kept saying that it was none of her business, that he didn't want to talk to her and to stop harassing her (because my mum called the other woman several times using my dad's phone and she did answer but put it down as soon as she realised it wasn't him). It went on for about an hour and I was tense and anxious the entire time.

They aren't talking to each other now. My dad deleted her contact from his phone (my mum confiscated it) and he's back to using his old phone without FaceTime. He also changed the password to the email address they use and takes his phone everywhere with him.

My mum said he sin't going to divorce him because of my brother and I. This is where things get complicated because I want him out. My brother seems to take my dad's side because I guess it's an instinctual thing for a son to follow the father. If my mum divorces my dad, the business that my parents own is going to collapse and my mum will somehow have to find another job which is hard at her age. Also, it wouldn't be enough to cover the costs of everything. My family doesn't get government support because of the assets my parents have. She said her plan was to continue until my brother and I finish school so we can stand on our own feet. I have to get into uni and get a high paying job to support the family while my brother is still in school.

It sounds pretty pathetic but I'm scared. I'm definitely not one who's able to be self sufficient. The mistake that my mum made was having a home office and making my brother and I become dependent on her. I'm not someone who's clingy and can't do anything themselves; I'd consider myself quite independent and a lone wolf but I don\t know how to do things on my own and the idea is daunting itself. I already feel the stress and pressure at school, this doesn't help.

I don't want my mum to have to go through this. But I don't know what to do about it. Though my HSC will be affected by this, I'd much rather know that my mum or parents are happy alone than knowing that my mum's suffering for my sake. I can't accept that and though people say not to blame children for divorce and I agree with that, I do blame myself for this (not the cheating; if either wasn't happy they should have left first) but the suffering that they have to go through. Prior to this, since primary school if my parents argued severely they'd say to me that they would have divorced the other but it was for the sake of my brother and I. I feel terribly guilty; I'm the one who's stopping my parents from being happy.

 

[rumbleroar]

Preface: take my advice with a grain of salt, I'm not qualified to offer proper advice, just a mere opinion.

It sucks you have to go through the most important year of your secondary education with family issues looming over you. It definitely sucks but I think you need to understand from your mum's POV that she believes keeping the family together, despite the stuff your dad did/does to her, provides financial and familial stability, which is crucial for keeping the family together. I don't think you should take the responsibility of feeling like it's your fault they're still together, because there are other factors (like the business you mentioned). Also going through divorce is a lot worse before it gets better, so even if you feel as though your mum will be happier with a divorce, the happiness will come a lot later after the deed has been done. (and even after the divorce, contentment might not even be there because there's so many other things to worry about, i.e. financial worries, etc.)

Have you considered seeing a family counsellor? Or having an external party to mediate the issues? It's a better temporary solution to make sure your parents are civil to each other and there's some sort of relationship maintained for both you and your brother's benefit. They don't necessarily need to be very together again, but civil enough so there's less fighting and drama so it affects your HSC less.

I think you should also talk to your school counsellor about any school-related stress that these issues might have augmented. It is better to get advice from a qualified professional and they can provide a more objective perspective on the situation. (Or at least try Kids Helpline)

Also, again, please don't burden yourself with the blame of keeping your parents from being happy. A lot of their issues are between themselves, and it isn't your fault your parents are unhappy. Please try and phase the guilt out (easier said than done, I know) because these emotional reactions to problems can sometimes negatively impact your performance in school, adding to more academic worry if you don't reach your academic goals and whatnot.

All the best

 

[fatassmcfat]

I think its not only for you your mum is not divorcing but it also keeps herself content, like she doesnt feel selfish (hard to explain but say two people are hungry, and each of them keeps on telling the other to take the last bit of food; its actually more moral in a sense for one person to finally accept the food, then for each of them to be selfless and push it into each others face). So maybe accept what your mum is trying to do for you, even if you probably think you are happier with them divorcing, because for her this idea that she is keeping the family together and making sure your HSC isnt overly disrupted, maybe makes her feel more content/as though she is fulfilling her duty as a mother.

Also like above person said you can see counsellor and if you have trouble concentrating stay behind and study at school, or go to library/ hang out and study in groups with friends......hmmmmmm also something I would personally do, but Im not sure what you and your relationship with parents are like, is I would try to 'distance' myself from getting involved in the situation (well for me my parents have lots of stuff happen in the past and 99% I dont know about so I cant categorise as a mere 'black and white' my dad cheated on my mum) and that will also prevent you from becoming really emotional/depressed about the situation (sounds a bit selfish but like I said I think it depends on you and your parents nature and how close you are)....remember its only 10 months or so, and how hard you study etc. will pay back for the sacrifice your mums making in not divorcing (cause in her opinon she is saving your HSC)

BYE!!!!!! GOODLUCK

 

[mysterymarkplz]

I am but at the same time am not in the same situation as you
My rents divorced when i was in primary and to this day father still denies everything, but this never really impacted me as much cause i was always a bit cold hearted, i'm pretty sure my mum thought i was sociopathic to an extent, but divorce affects children depending on their character and how much trust they had with the parent who initiated the betrayal.
You had nothing to do with your father's affair and its only natural that you would want him out after you found out about his betrayal, you're not doing anything irrational at least to me.
to be honest eventually your parents will separate, I have rarely seen any couple stay together after one of them had their affair exposed, sooner or later a betrayal will happen again or one parent will get sick of this shit and move out, so i don't think a family councellor is necessary for keeping your rents together, may a councellor is necessary for you and your brother to vent out whatever is troubling you guys.
My mum was in a similar situation, the court only gave her half of the money that my rent's business was worth and even so it was still not enough to support her and myself so she took a tafe degree and found another job, in about 5 years she started making steady income and could readily support me with school and tuition stuff, may seem irrelevant but I think your mum and mine were in the same situation so might be handy, idk.
Easily said than done but right now don't focus on your family as much, cause after what is done i highly doubt your voice would make everything approach to perfection, focus purely on your hsc, let your rents sort it out, its only 1 year you have to endure this, youll be fine.
if you want any advice just PM, idm.

 

[senorceepa]

Definitely go to the school counsellor. You have no idea how much it helps to talk to someone about this stuff. I too had/have to deal with issues that affected my personal life (mom got diagnosed with cancer near the end of prelims). Talk to the school councillor, or even a professional one if you can. Hopefully things will get better. There isn't much you can do to resolve the situation, so just try and keep up with your studies and find some other healthy distractions. Good luck to you

 

[buriza]

Hello there and I congratulate you for the courage you have displayed in sharing this with us.

First of all, never blame yourself for complications that are occurring between your parents. It is understandable that you may feel guilty about it, but try not to get into a cycle of blaming yourself — because it is not your fault. Your parents do have the responsibility towards looking after you and you are still young, so you should not feel like you need to take the role of being a self-sufficient lone wolf or something like that. It is alright if you are scared, you have the right to be. It is not pathetic whatsoever in any meaning of the word.

It is also alright if you never really forgive your father for what he has done. Sure, he still may be your father by blood, but you can only feel that sentimentally he is your father if he acts like one and starts benefiting your life. I know you might feel obliged to not have a grudge against him due to the whole notion that seems to be around these days that love for family is unconditional and you are bound to it, however this is not true. If any stage in the future you feel it would be better to separate from him, then do so. Always do what is best for yourself.

Personally, I had many family issues during all years at high school, although they unluckily maximised even more during my senior years. With that said, I can empathise with you and I can additionally tell you that you are strong enough to get through this. You might not know it yourself, however you are. Nonetheless, you are allowed to make things easier for yourself, like prioritising your own well-being and academic success. I can offer some methods in which you may be able to achieve this:

(1) You have the option to seek a counsellor if you wish. I can understand this might be something you are not comfortable with or believe does not help you much, and that is okay. You have other options and I am just putting forward seeking a counsellor as one of them. Depending on the person, talking about your issues to someone else can be relieving.

(2) Try to separate yourself from the complications occurring between your parents as much as possible. Although it may seem ubiquitous, especially in the closed environment of your home, you can try to find ways to isolate yourself from such stress and be more calmed instead. Examples include keeping yourself in your room at time, spending some time at friends', studying at a park or library, etcetera. Sometimes establishing places where you can identify as being soothing can help.

(3) Recognise that life comes into stages. Attempt to not think about what you may have to do in the future to help your mother or brother. You are currently in Year 11 at the moment and afterwards you will have Year 12, then university. There is a lot of time to go and take things as they are. In Year 11, you can prepare yourself intellectually and emotionally from what is ahead. You have already acknowledged how the problems you are experiencing might affect your academics and well-being. Find ways to reduce this before Year 12 begins.

(4) Being organised in life is perhaps even more crucial given what you are going through. When we are experiencing unsettling things, we will typically set aside as much stressful things as we can just so we can manage the primary root of our stress. In your case, you might inadvertently set aside your own academics and well-being in order to deal with your family issues, nevertheless this is likely to be more harmful than good. So, try to allocate time for yourself and your studies. It is fine if you feel upset sometimes, but make sure you can get up on your feet again. Keep yourself grounded and balanced.

(5) Most importantly, remember to stay as positive as you can. Remind yourself it is not all your fault and you deserve to be happy, have a healthy family life and a future for yourself. In a year and a half or so, once you have completed your HSC, I hope you feel proud of yourself for all you have done. In fact, be proud of yourself even now, because with every day that passes you are strengthening yourself.

I wish you the best of luck and that at least some minute portion of this advice aided you in your journey.