Rate my Creative Writing (1 Viewer)

[InVinsanity]

Hey guy i just wrote a piece just want some feedback btw i havent finished


The sun was blazing, crusts of dry leaves withered away in the humid breeze. In the middle of the vast Savannah woke Zira. The coming of age ceremony was in a few weeks, where all growing lion’s reaching the youthful age of five have to earn their place in the pride. Zira let a lazy yawn signalling his worried parents that he was awake. Zira’s Dad walked over, his old but sharp paws thudded on the barren dirt land. “Lets go son” he said with a voice of authority. Zira might of sensed fear in his dad’s thick voice but the let idea pass, he knew his dad was worried because Zira wasn’t like the lion’s, he was smaller, weaker, he had unusual spot marks like a cheetah, didn’t have a mane at all and most importantly Zira had back seizures. “Ok” Zira said, he gave his dad a wry smile, trying to lift his spirits but his dad’s face remained stern as ever, not moving a muscle.

Zira and his dad continued with their regular hunting. At the back of Zira’s head he was sacred about the constant fits his back gave him; Zira was hoping it wouldn’t occur today. Zira didn’t feel like devoting energy to their training. The debilitating attacks sensitized him; actions that previously had caused him no trouble could now leave him writhing on the ground. Even the daily stretching began to trigger seizures as he advanced to more strenuous poses. Zira’s face grew haggard. He walked with a shuffle, his movements slow and careful as he tried to preserve his strength. It became hard for him to think clearly an pay attention to his dads lessons, and gaps began to appear in his memory that he could not account for.
One morning he was hunting with his dad, Zira fell to three bouts of agony while fighting and stretching. As he uncurled from the clenched ball he had rolled into, his dad said “Again, Zira. You must perfect your balance” Zira shook his head and growled in an undertone “No”. He curled down on his hind legs to hide his tremors.
“Son if you give up you’ll be banished from the pride, not because of the stretches but because of your failing back, you won’t be fit enough to participate in the ceremony.”
Silence engulfed the conversation and the both of them, son and dad left for home.

 

[Tofuu]

maybe one thing you could change is using the word 'father' instead of 'dad'
it would go more with the flow

 

[scroates]

The story is generally good, maybe a 13/15 atm. There are a few grammatical mistakes but im not going into that cos thats just pointless, im sure you can find them.
'

Zira let a lazy yawn signalling his worried parents that he was awake.

With this sentence you are telling not showing. Do not do this in creative writing. The lazy yawn gives the reader the notion that he has just woke, so don't say it signalled that he is awake, it is already assumed.

 

[Omar-Comin]

if you're in year 7; 5/10
if you're past year 7; 0/10.

 

[Sadiah]

It's okay, despite the grammar mistakes...

But if that's the introduction, then it's not all that catchy and interesting.

And also, like someone above said, change "dad" into "father".

Your piece of literature looks like you intend to write something suspenseful; considering your use of short sentences.

Nevertheless, perhaps a 14/20 will do.

 

[taintedfeather]

Whilst there area few aspects I like about this, but there are, likewise, a lot of concerns to be remedied.

Whilst I love the fact that the tale is different to the usual teen angst markers in the HSC have to endure, there is too much focus on description rather than plot. The themes are also quite limited and you need to plan your stories out more ebtter. Characterization could also use some more work - I mean the 'dad' for all I cared was just a stage prop. If he's a chieftain head of the pack lion then you need him to be much colder and much more authoritative. Also researching this area will help a lot. I also advise not making thus this cheese encrusted twist at the end where Zira is a lion - unless twists are good (which most usually aren't) it does not fare well with markers, and seems amateurish.

I hope this help, and good luck with your H.S.C. I'll post a bit of what I would've done to this story:

One morning he was hunting with his dad, Zira fell to three bouts of agony while fighting and stretching. As he uncurled from the clenched ball he had rolled into, his dad said “Again, Zira. You must perfect your balance” Zira shook his head and growled in an undertone “No”. He curled down on his hind legs to hide his tremors.
“Son if you give up you’ll be banished from the pride, not because of the stretches but because of your failing back, you won’t be fit enough to participate in the ceremony.”

The spear trembled in between by sweat coated fingers.

"Koro" father hissed. "Kill it!"

I drew in a sharp breath, and gripped the spear. The deer looked up.

"Koro!" father commanded.

"Terigah..." I cried - "No...", feeling tears running down my cheeks. The spear fell. I could hear the footsteps of the deer as it fled deeper into the midst of the sunburnt tree. I had failed.

"Jareiva!" father grunted coldy, rising to his feet. "Weak.
Barsei na ghondu" - "Just like your brother."

Note, I had about 5 minutes for this, so I apologize for lack of effort/correct translation. But you can see a tale like this is far more intriguing than one that has random, meandering non focused plot that is full of nothing, and then has a corny twist at the end.

Once again, good luck with Secton II

 

[alcalder]

Can I suggest "Show Don't Tell" - the usual.

eg Crusts of dry leaves withered under the blazing sun. A humid breeze swept across the vast Savannah waking Zira.

He considered the coming of age ceremony only a few weeks away and gave a lazy yawn. So he was nearly five but so unlike the other lions; he had spots like the Cheetahs.

His father looked up, fear and worry in his eyes but authority in his voice. "Let's go, son."

- Anyway, that's not that great, but I hope it shows you what I mean. You ned to strengthen what you say by making it immediate. Describe using adjectives, not verbs becasue then you have to describe how they are feeling, what they look like and that brings the verbs to the minds of the reader.

Ah, Zira is yawning, he says "so what" - he is disinterested (thinks the reader).

It was once said to me that the reader needs to feel as though they are in the story not visiting it.

Hope that helps.

Hey guy i just wrote a piece just want some feedback btw i havent finished


The sun was blazing, crusts of dry leaves withered away in the humid breeze. In the middle of the vast Savannah woke Zira. The coming of age ceremony was in a few weeks, where all growing lion’s reaching the youthful age of five have to earn their place in the pride. Zira let a lazy yawn signalling his worried parents that he was awake. Zira’s Dad walked over, his old but sharp paws thudded on the barren dirt land. “Lets go son” he said with a voice of authority. Zira might of sensed fear in his dad’s thick voice but the let idea pass, he knew his dad was worried because Zira wasn’t like the lion’s, he was smaller, weaker, he had unusual spot marks like a cheetah, didn’t have a mane at all and most importantly Zira had back seizures. “Ok” Zira said, he gave his dad a wry smile, trying to lift his spirits but his dad’s face remained stern as ever, not moving a muscle.

Zira and his dad continued with their regular hunting. At the back of Zira’s head he was sacred about the constant fits his back gave him; Zira was hoping it wouldn’t occur today. Zira didn’t feel like devoting energy to their training. The debilitating attacks sensitized him; actions that previously had caused him no trouble could now leave him writhing on the ground. Even the daily stretching began to trigger seizures as he advanced to more strenuous poses. Zira’s face grew haggard. He walked with a shuffle, his movements slow and careful as he tried to preserve his strength. It became hard for him to think clearly an pay attention to his dads lessons, and gaps began to appear in his memory that he could not account for.
One morning he was hunting with his dad, Zira fell to three bouts of agony while fighting and stretching. As he uncurled from the clenched ball he had rolled into, his dad said “Again, Zira. You must perfect your balance” Zira shook his head and growled in an undertone “No”. He curled down on his hind legs to hide his tremors.
“Son if you give up you’ll be banished from the pride, not because of the stretches but because of your failing back, you won’t be fit enough to participate in the ceremony.”
Silence engulfed the conversation and the both of them, son and dad left for home.