First three sentences.... (1 Viewer)

[foolish bowie]

After reading the first three words in another thread, I wanted to read more!

Post your first three sentences of your major work, with or without quotes.

I'm very interested!

Here are mine:

[FONT=&quot]"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Why were we here?! Hadn’t these people ever seen blonde hair?! Why couldn’t my family be more normal?! [/FONT]"

 

[alax dillon]

She decided to fight back.
“Well, why the hell can’t you do this one little thing for me, Thomas? I ask you all the time, just to do a few small things around the house for me but can you ever do it?

 

[scaredytiger]

Angsty.

 

[alax dillon]

the chick is in a domestic relationship and for once she "decides to fight back"

 

[scaredytiger]

It's still angsty.

Also, it defies the 'show don't tell' principle.

Just saying.

 

[alax dillon]

It's still angsty.

Also, it defies the 'show don't tell' principle.

Just saying.

how do i fix this?

 

[Charity F]

have you ever read your dialogue out aloud to yourself?

“Well, why the hell can’t you do this one little thing for me, Thomas? I ask you all the time, just to do a few small things around the house for me but can you ever do it?

seriously who the hell says that

 

[alax dillon]

have you ever read your dialogue out aloud to yourself?


seriously who the hell says that

hmmm. i did read it outloud, and i thought it would make sense. i mean i would say that kinda thing. i know stacks of people who would say that kinda thing.

 

[scaredytiger]

Use an image or something.
Did she clench her fists, narrow her eyes, and/or grit her teeth?

Show her deciding to fight back.
And especially in such a heated situation, keep your dialogue brief and punchy. She's at her limit. Make your dialogue audible.

 

[scaredytiger]

have you ever read your dialogue out aloud to yourself?


seriously who the hell says that

I know. Who has the self-control in a heated argument (and a person willing to let them finish) to manage such a long sentence? =/

 

[alax dillon]

the guy is lazy and doesnt really care, hes just sitting there waiting for her to finish, but everytime he goes "yeah", "okay honey" etc she gets shittier. just before "she decided to fight back" he told her off and thats what she did. he keeps letting her speak long sentences cause hes got the shits and doesnt care. his lack of a caring attitude is making her even more angry and shes trying to prove her point.

 

[Charity F]

exactly. scaredytiger pretty much hits the nail on the head.

hmmm. i did read it outloud, and i thought it would make sense. i mean i would say that kinda thing. i know stacks of people who would say that kinda thing.

sure you do.

several things i have an issue with:

• the fullname 'Thomas'
• present tense in 'i ask you'
• syntax: 'but can you ever do it?'
• long, mostly unpunctuated second sentence

it's not believable, at all. i'm not interested. and this is supposed to be the first couple of sentences in your story? :/

 

[scaredytiger]

Still, imagine you're in that situation.
You have a partner who just made you FURIOUS. You are finally letting yourself express the frustration that you normally keep inside.

Tell him he's wrong. Accuse him, as he accused you.

 

[Charity F]

in other words,

RAWR.

 

[alax dillon]

shes more stubborn than that. use of the full first name is because she always calls him that, he is never called tom by anyone, and this is who she is. always arguing a point

 

[Chemical Ali]

shes more stubborn than that. use of the full first name is because she always calls him that, he is never called tom by anyone, and this is who she is. always arguing a point

just have her say

"HOW ABOUT I SLAP YOUR SHIT?"

shit will be so cash

 

[scaredytiger]

shes more stubborn than that. use of the full first name is because she always calls him that, he is never called tom by anyone, and this is who she is. always arguing a point

Okay, whatever, don't listen to the person who is studying creative writing and the person who excelled in EE2.

 

[b00m]

shes more stubborn than that. use of the full first name is because she always calls him that, he is never called tom by anyone, and this is who she is. always arguing a point

i don't study EE2, but from my understanding.. their observations would most probably be correct.

 

[Shadowdude]

Well, mine is:

Eight-seventeen in the morning and there was one less towel on the towel rack than there should’ve been. Normal observers would not have noticed, but Sophie did. She didn’t bother to look for the missing towel, for there it was, on the floor.

Third sentence I feel is lacking. But hey, that's what drafting is for.

 

[beardedwoman]

shes more stubborn than that. use of the full first name is because she always calls him that, he is never called tom by anyone, and this is who she is. always arguing a point

I'd probably take advice from other people, or at least consider it. I'm only doing Advanced English but I fully see where Scaredytiger is coming from, and I definitely think that if you take her suggestion it'll be a more engaging introduction, as well as realistic. It'll benefit you.