First three sentences.... (1 Viewer)

[scaredytiger]

Well, mine is:

Eight-seventeen in the morning and there was one less towel on the towel rack than there should’ve been. Normal observers would not have noticed, but Sophie did. She didn’t bother to look for the missing towel, for there it was, on the floor.

Third sentence I feel is lacking. But hey, that's what drafting is for.

You have a tendency to use passive sentences. These sound cold, and too many will repel the reader.

Try cutting it all down so that you're giving the reader the benefit of the doubt. I understand that you want your words - to reach the word limit - but it's better to have something amazing, right?

At eight-seventeen in the morning, there was one less towel on the rack. Sophie noticed. There was no need to look; it was hung up on the floor.

I didn't make it perfect, but try comparing the rhythm.

 

[nutcracker]

i need to get over my fear of people reading my writing so here goes:

Anuradhapura, where the souls of ancient kings lay to rest. Their legacy can be seen scattered throughout the city; within every ten meters a temple, within every five, the dusty ruins of former palaces and forts. Rising over the matted mesh is Ruwanwelisaya, the great stupa.

wow, posting that made me feel so...naked o___o.
(i wonder if scaredytiger is still floating around here to offer any advice =S)

 

[NewiJapper]

just curious nutcracker...are those names based on real places or did you make them up?

 

[scaredytiger]

i need to get over my fear of people reading my writing so here goes:

Anuradhapura, where the souls of ancient kings lay to rest. Their legacy can be seen scattered throughout the city; within every ten meters a temple, within every five, the dusty ruins of former palaces and forts. Rising over the matted mesh is Ruwanwelisaya, the great stupa.

wow, posting that made me feel so...naked o___o.
(i wonder if scaredytiger is still floating around here to offer any advice =S)

Second sentence needs a little work. Also, it's 'metres' in Australia.

I would suggest removing the measurements, and substituting it with things that mean something visually and spacially. Try describing it to someone who doesn't understand what a metre is.

But it's pretty good.

 

[Charity F]

just curious nutcracker...are those names based on real places or did you make them up?

Anuradhapura - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Ruwanwelisaya - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Chemical Ali]

just curious nutcracker...are those names based on real places or did you make them up?

They're fantasy locations

 

[ClockworkSoldier]

I'm (obviously) not taking the HSC this year, but this is the first few sentences from the first draft of the story I got reasonably high marks for:

The sun was setting and turned the sky orange.

Getting close to the old university, they could already hear the patrol in the distance. The sound of the Juggernaut's rolling tracks echoing off the walls of the destroyed city.

I know it's not perfect, but it was a draft and that's all I could find. It inspired a story that I've been fiddling around with for a while.

 

[nutcracker]

Second sentence needs a little work. Also, it's 'metres' in Australia.

I would suggest removing the measurements, and substituting it with things that mean something visually and spacially. Try describing it to someone who doesn't understand what a metre is.

But it's pretty good.

thank you!
i can't believe i wrote 'meters' instead of 'metres' ><
one of the most embarrassing mind blanks ever >>
okay.. so i'll try describing it in.. something like.. steps? i'll try to think of something better. thanks for the suggestions!

just curious nutcracker...are those names based on real places or did you make them up?

Anuradhapura - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Ruwanwelisaya - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

yup =)
corny as it sounds, it's my favourite place in the whole world =)
just being there...the atmosphere gives me goosebumps

 

[scaredytiger]

You don't need to have numbers in there. Try to create a potent image, it will support the rest of your work.

Use your own unique point of view to create something.

 

[Shadowdude]

You have a tendency to use passive sentences. These sound cold, and too many will repel the reader.

Try cutting it all down so that you're giving the reader the benefit of the doubt. I understand that you want your words - to reach the word limit - but it's better to have something amazing, right?

At eight-seventeen in the morning, there was one less towel on the rack. Sophie noticed. There was no need to look; it was hung up on the floor.

I didn't make it perfect, but try comparing the rhythm.

True. Well, that's going in the half re-write, in a slightly edited form. Thanks!

 

[jazzythezoo]

here goes...

It was like a conversation, where no one stops to breathe. And then we silenced. A pause.

*bites lip* bring it!

 

[random-1006]

I'm (obviously) not taking the HSC this year, but this is the first few sentences from the first draft of the story I got reasonably high marks for:


I know it's not perfect, but it was a draft and that's all I could find. It inspired a story that I've been fiddling around with for a while.

sounded pretty good to me

 

[kurissyma]

I spent my life at the water’s edge, with the sand cold, damp and deep beneath me, and with every little wave’s pervasive chill startling me anew. It was worth it just to see my face reflected in that beautiful blue—to feel, as I did then, at the brink of an alternate reality: one in which I was inside what I loved, rather than the dazed, drugged, drowsy onlooker that everyone pitied. The weak-limbed host to a fatal parasite.

 

[merangrace]

a little late, but i feel it's time:

The weather doesn’t want to make up its mind. From sun to heavy downpour in just seconds. From my bed I can see the clouds engulfing the mountains, surrounding and swallowing the waterfall which was there just seconds ago

 

[Draik]

Eh, here we go. They're pretty long sentences.
I look up at the early morning sky above me, tiny smudges of white framing the magnificent indigo, spanning out past the buildings around me and toward the red dawn horizon. A soft breeze picks up, lifting the leaves from the warming sidewalk, blowing them past me. I continue down the street, smiling at the odd person who passes me on my way.

 

[Shadowdude]

Draik, question - is that the start of one of those depressing, melancholy, post-modern EX2 stories?

 

[Draik]

Oh, god no.
It's a dystopic speculative fiction piece.

 

[Shadowdude]

Dystopic... yeah, I think that implies melancholy and all the rest of it though.

I just wonder why like... 99% of all the short stories have to be like that though... nothing bright and happy!

 

[Sophia H]

Four, but oh well:

We dreams are often stolen before our lives have been properly spent. We are lost to fingers of noise and tongues of light, which fish us from your sleep and swallow us up. Surely you know the feeling, and the aching disappointment upon waking: you cannot, can never, find out what it was that you came so close to discovering.

But only imagine the frustration of the dream!

Decided to pinch a concept from The Book Thief and have a dream as the narrator (to be fair, in tBT it's Death, not a dream, but you get the idea).

 

[xCBeLLx]

West of House.
You are standing in an open field to the West of a white house. The front door and all windows are boarded.

Yes, it's from Zork