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Rate my Year 10 essay? (1 Viewer)

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I wasn't sure where to post this, so I'm really sorry if this wasn't in the correct section, this is only an essay I did earlier this year in Year 10. I am asking people to rate it so I can see how good my essay skills are right know. Any feedback would be appreciated, thanks:) My teacher gave me 12/15 for this. What would you give me out of 15 for this?
The question is "Explain why Australians got involved in the Vietnam War."

Australians got involved in the Vietnam War for a number of reasons; Prime Minister Menzies was threatened and a firm believer of the Domino theory; Menzies believed that the two treaties; ANZUS and SEATO had to be honoured by the Australians. Australia wanted to strengthen it's alliance with the United States and containment was another reason for supporting the war.

Prime Minister Menzies and Australia were strong believers of the Domino Theory; meaning they believed that nations on the border of communist countries would become communist therefore countries such as Indonesia, Cambodia, Malaysia and Singapore would fall to communism, which meant eventually Australia would too. Believers of this theory created a policy on "forward defense" to stop communism in Vietnam. Fear of the domino theory encouraged Australia to fight in the Vietnam War so communism wouldn't come to Australia.

Menzies believed that Australia should honor the treaty commitments ANZUS and SEATO. ANZUS was a commitment between Australia, New Zealand and the United States. It was an understanding that each of these countries would come to each other's aid in the case of an attack. SEATO, standing for the South East Asia Collective Defensive Treaty was an understanding that if France, Britain, Australia, New Zealand, the United States had an attack launched on them, immediate action would be taken. Menzies felt that these treaties gave Australia a responsibility to fight in the Vietnam War to help it's allies.

Australia wanted to strengthen it's alliance with the United States by supporting them in the Vietnam War. They were allies with the US and had an responsibility to back the US troops. Australia were encouraged to join the war because the USA was involved and they had to help the US because of the ANZUS agreement treaty.

Menzies was anti-communist for a lot of time in the 1950's and 60's which caused a great deal of fear about communism in Australia. Menzies showed how anti-communist he as when he attempted to ban the Australian Communist Party.

The main reason for Australia's involvement in the Vietnam War was because of a huge fear of communism which was showed how scared they were when they hired Mr. Petrov to keep a close eye on any communist threats invading Australia.


What do you think? Feedback would be greatly appreciated, thanks:)
 

enoilgam

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I'd agree with your teachers mark. For a year 10 essay, it is not too bad. Your information is very strong but your structuring and writing need some work. First, you have not included a conclusion, which means that technically, you have not completed the essay. Also your intro needs to be a bit longer and you need to make sure that at the end of all your points/paragraphs, you link your answer back to the question.

In terms of your writing, some sentences dont make sense and you often repeat words too many times in the same sentence/paragraph. For example, this sentence "Prime Minister Menzies and Australia were strong believers of the Domino Theory; meaning they believed that nations on the border of communist countries would become communist therefore countries such as Indonesia, Cambodia, Malaysia and Singapore would fall to communism, which meant eventually Australia would too" doesnt make sense, is long winded and repeats the words "countries" and "communism" too many times. Also, your expression is off at times throughout the essay.

Altogether it is a good attempt and I can see that you will improve significantly throughout year 11 and year 12, as the issues I have mentioned are a sign of inexperience more then a lack of potential. I hope that you find my feedback helpful.
 
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LoveHateSchool

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I agree with the teacher's mark, it appears you have all the info in there (what I can remember of Yr 10 history) but the writing lacks sophistication and fluidity. When you write, it would be more fluid to re order a little. Like e.g state US and Australia had an alliance due to ANZUS, and then elaborate on the implications of ANZUS etc. It's a bit jumpy at the moment and hard to follow. Like you mention the alliance and then state they have one.

But very good for a Yr 10 :)
 
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Does anyone have any idea how to attach microsoft word documents on here?? I want to show another essay, but it's quite long and I don't feel like typing it up.
 

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