Why! (2 Viewers)

[xamineO]

[h=3][/h]I just got my english paper back and got a 3/20
I just want your opinion on why/how.

The question was: the scene you have viewed presents 2 strong ideas. examine how these ideas are represented in the extract and the text as a whole.

My introduction was: Culture is a comprehensive term that encompasses the set of values and beliefs common within any cohesive group. It is these values that underpin the mechanism driving attitudes and ultimately establishing standard behaviours which are required to maintain a sense of acceptance within the group. Witness by Peter Weir presents the conflicts between two respective sets of culturally derived values by juxtaposing the obscurity of American civilisation and the sense of unity in the Amish community. Weir morally challenges the inherent peripheries between these polarities, emphasizing on the contrast between the presence of corruption in modern America and that of peace in agrarian Amish. In the case of cultural displacement, although this cultural discrepancy may result in an individual struggle, it might also provide an opportunity for some self-understanding.

The comment on my paper was, that my intro didn't answer the question. But I think it did..

 

[krnofdrg]

[h=3][/h]I just got my english paper back and got a 3/20
I just want your opinion on why/how.

The question was: the scene you have viewed presents 2 strong ideas. examine how these ideas are represented in the extract and the text as a whole.

My introduction was: Culture is a comprehensive term that encompasses the set of values and beliefs common within any cohesive group. It is these values that underpin the mechanism driving attitudes and ultimately establishing standard behaviours which are required to maintain a sense of acceptance within the group. Witness by Peter Weir presents the conflicts between two respective sets of culturally derived values by juxtaposing the obscurity of American civilisation and the sense of unity in the Amish community. Weir morally challenges the inherent peripheries between these polarities, emphasizing on the contrast between the presence of corruption in modern America and that of peace in agrarian Amish. In the case of cultural displacement, although this cultural discrepancy may result in an individual struggle, it might also provide an opportunity for some self-understanding.

The comment on my paper was, that my intro didn't answer the question. But I think it did..

The intro is so wordy, I can't understand what point you're trying to make. But, my question is how did this get 3/20? The teacher is a bit harsh...

 

[Absolutezero]

I thought I explained this to you last night via PM why it probably got a low mark.

 

[xdosha]

^ yes it is pretty wordy, for a standard student. I wouldn't even use this in extension 1. But honestly you're teachers are crazy markers imo. You should've gotten a 15 - 16, if your intro was that beasty. Just some words were a little bit confusing. But I understood it and it does answer the question. Talk to your teacher.

 

[xamineO]

I thought I explained this to you last night via PM why it probably got a low mark.

Yes you did, I just wanted another opinion as well.
And I understand why I would get a low mark, but not a 3/20.

 

[powlmao]

Your introduction is very wordy and long (sentence wise)

Personally I don't like it. Your teachers a tough marker

 

[Absolutezero]

It doesn't answer the question though. That's the point. It just uses complex language to make it look like it does. The two ideas are not at all clear. It provides no substantial argument, poorly delegates discussion of themes, is very verbose and unclear, and wastes space with unnecessary detail.

 

[enoilgam]

You probably needed to keep things a bit more to the point and add some clarification to your overall point, but its definitely not worth 3/20. A mark that low is usually given for something thats incomplete, or where the person hasnt really made a serious attempt.

 

[powlmao]

You don't need to use complex language in English.

Markers don't look for highly technical language. They look for answers which clearly answers the question.

 

[Absolutezero]

Yes you did, I just wanted another opinion as well.
And I understand why I would get a low mark, but not a 3/20.

I just wanted to make sure it was the same person.

I may be critical, but I'm doing it so you can improve. I think your teacher was tough with that mark, but I can see where it came from. Clarity is critical.

 

[xamineO]

You probably needed to keep things a bit more to the point and add some clarification to your overall point, but its definitely not worth 3/20. A mark that low is usually given for something thats incomplete, or where the person hasnt really made a serious attempt.

Exactly my thought.
I wrote 4 pages.
People who wrote 2 pages got like 8 - 9.
Unfair..

 

[powlmao]

Exactly my thought.
I wrote 4 pages.
People who wrote 2 pages got like 8 - 9.
Unfair..

Quantity < Quality

 

[enoilgam]

It doesn't answer the question though. That's the point. It just uses complex language to make it look like it does. The two ideas are not at all clear. It provides no substantial argument, poorly delegates discussion of themes, is very verbose and unclear, and wastes space with unnecessary detail.

Just to add onto what AZ is saying, throwing big words into an essay does NOT necessarily add sophistication. In this case, it just makes everything so much more confusing. If you want to say something, just say it in plain english and keep it SIMPLE. To paraphrase tactics guide the markers arent expecting a damning PhD level analysis of the texts.

 

[Absolutezero]

Exactly my thought.
I wrote 4 pages.
People who wrote 2 pages got like 8 - 9.
Unfair..

Quality not quantity

EDIT: powlmao got there first.

 

[xamineO]

I just wanted to make sure it was the same person.

I may be critical, but I'm doing it so you can improve. I think your teacher was tough with that mark, but I can see where it came from. Clarity is critical.

So it didn't make any sense whatsoever?
Was it complete trash?
My HSC!

 

[powlmao]

Just to add onto what AZ is saying, throwing big words into an essay does NOT necessarily add sophistication. In this case, it just makes everything so much more confusing. If you want to say something, just say it in plain english and keep it SIMPLE. To paraphrase tactics guide the markers arent expecting a damning PhD level analysis of the texts.

This!!


This is what was wrong with my Mod B essay. I added to much technical words, removed them and made it easier to read and my teacher said it was alot better

 

[FreeLearner]

To be honest; using overly wordy paragraphs will NOT get you a band 5/6 in any english. The main thing firstly is to answer the question, have a good thesis (which you correctly link back to to throughout the essay) and also a good structure. If you do this properly you should be looking at a band 4 at least. Then the more sophisticated your essay is (not wordy) as in the way you present the language, the way you say things. for e.g. by stating the theme/idea before the actual quote. Then finally how good your analysis is, will ultimately determine whether you sit in a Band 5 or Band 6, not just how wordy it is.
So many people overuse language and end up not making sense/not answering the question = fail.

I suggest you try and take a step back, and attempt to answer that question in a much more simple and concise way. Once you've done that try and add some things that will improve the sophistication and quality of your essay, such as rephrasing things, some better words and the way in which you say things.

Good luck! these tips are all from my own personal experience with overusing language in english standard exams!

 

[enoilgam]

So it didn't make any sense whatsoever?
Was it complete trash?
My HSC!

Its not complete trash, it just needs work. Its a pretty common mistake which people make in english essays and humanities essays. They drown them with overly complex language and analysis and it makes the work extremely difficult to understand. Keep it simple and write in plain english.

 

[Leffife]

O_O ouch >.< that must have hurt badly.... 3!/20 (Not 3 factorial)

How much did it weigh? It might impact your final results badly if it is weighed high.

Hmm... I wouldn't bother reading the introduction, but you should really go and ask another english teacher; such as the co-ordinator to recheck your work.

But I just skimmed over the beginning off your introduction, and your answer was a bit vague. However, I think you deserve way more than just '3'.

Seriously, if I ever got 3... I would just *eat something tasty* to calm myself down. This is YOUR HSC, just try asking another teacher as they will usually have different views.

A bit hard to exactly tell you where you went wrong, because I don't know Witness. But still... try to ask for extra marks.

 

[Absolutezero]

Like I said, the language and the content is fine. You know, you'll manage. What you need to do is work on being clear, and making sure you've got good structure. A good idea is to give other people your introductions, and ask them what they think you're saying. Don't give them any hints. If they can't do it (or can't do it well), then you need to fix it.