Is this a good thesis? (1 Viewer)

[skyscraper]

QUESTION: ‘An individual’s interaction with others and the world around them can enrich or limit their
experience of belonging.’

my THESIS: Our sense of belonging to a community or place depends on the experiences we gain through our interaction with them or lack of, however our experiences of interaction will not just help to create the connections we desire, they can also serve to distance us from the group we wish to be apart of.

Sorry if wrong section mods, thought its ok as its 2012 hsc discussion

 

[Demise]

Pretty good length, you've addressed the question and done everything well to set yourself up to argue it. Good job. Remember to define community belonging as both belonging to the full community, and separately to specific individuals.

 

[deswa1]

No too long. I had to read that a few times to get what you meant- its too convulated. Get to the point- don't bullcrap in your thesis.

And break that into two sentences.

 

[OH1995]

Instead of 'Our' just say 'Ones'.

 

[OH1995]

To me you just need to sound it bit more concise and sophisticated.
Our sense of belonging to a community or place depends on the experiences we gain through our interaction with them or lack of, however our experiences of interaction will not just help to create the connections we desire, they can also serve to distance us from the group we wish to be apart of.

Minor edits:
Ones sense of belonging to a community or place is dependent on the experiences one gains through interaction with them or lack of. Conversely, whilst experiences of interaction constitute an essential role in creating the connections one desires, they can also serve to distance the individual from particular social constructs. Fundamentally alienating them and subjugating their own sense of belonging.

 

[SpreadTheWord]

To me you just need to sound it bit more concise and sophisticated.
Our sense of belonging to a community or place depends on the experiences we gain through our interaction with them or lack of, however our experiences of interaction will not just help to create the connections we desire, they can also serve to distance us from the group we wish to be apart of.

Minor edits:
Ones sense of belonging to a community or place is dependent on the experiences one gains through interaction with them or lack of. Conversely, whilst experiences of interaction constitute an essential role in creating the connections one desires, they can also serve to distance the individual from particular social constructs. Fundamentally alienating them and subjugating their own sense of belonging.

Teachers don't want sophisticated language. It's been said to me that you should only use it, if it comes naturally to you. If you use big words, it can lose the meaning of what you're trying to say. Similarly, it could make the teacher require you to expand on it. I noticed in your reconstruction of the OP's thesis you used "social constructs". The marker would expect that to be expanded upon.

Leave all the fancy words for Uni. That's when you need to write academically.