Friend issues. Am I overreacting? Tell me I'm overreacting and it'll be okay. (1 Viewer)

[ShadowLighte]

I'm kidding, be realistic.
Though it isn't really love based, I guess this thread goes here as a relationship is defined as the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another.
NOTE: Please ignore this thread if you're going to be mean or super sarcastic.

Anyway, friendship problems. I'm not a very social person, not a fan of going to parties and meeting new people- I'm more of the going to the park to hang out with close friends or inviting friends over for a movie and things like that. I'm also very sensitive (never a good thing imo) and emotional.

That being said, I've never been one to have a lot of friends and when I went to high school I met a girl and we pretty much instantaneously became best friends (probably my first mistake). Best friends lasted for two years but during this time while everything was great (I thought I was living the dream), I was helping her with school work and as time passed she started moving onto other people but still calling me her bff and whatnot and asking for help while I was kinda 'oh okay, sure I'll be around whenever you need me'.

This is probably going to sound really petty and I do agree now that I over reacted but hell, what can I do? One day we had maths together at the front of the class and she randomly decided that she didn't want to talk to me anymore nor sit with me or anything and moved to the back of the room, leaving me at the front totally clueless and hurt. I thought we were bffs and she never gave me a reason as to why she left. I pretty much came crashing down then, it was the first time I'd had someone hurt me like that and I suppose it was a wake up call that people aren't as nice and wonderful as I'd thought. I tried not to cry but alas, my self control was weak then and silently wiped my tears as I heard her laughing from the back of the room with her new friends. I was upset and shocked more than angry at the time. In the end, she pretty much used me to get friends from different schools, teach her how to do better than I and learn about my personal details.

Thing is, I don't know why but I can't help but be nice to her and want to tell her things like we used to do but also hate her guts. We did kind of solve things (don't even remember what happened but we're 'friends' now). I want to bang my head against all of the walls for how naive I've been. After what she did, I forgave her and trusted her all over again as if nothing happened. We talked after we'd made up, catching up on life and I have this thing where I have this urge to want to confide in people (though nowadays I keep things up inside in fear of something like this happening again) and I did. I told her everything she wanted to know, who I liked, family problems etc. (argh, yeup, the walls).

I don't know if this is coincidental but she always seems to become best friends with everyone I talk to on a regular basis. It's like .. she won't let me get close to someone so I can tell them what I think of her. No one knows what happened between us. It's hard, especially when I'm with the guy I like (which is my closest friend) and she flirts with him in front of my face and the jealousy/ rage inside of me is horrific. I don't know why I told her. But I did. And I regret it. I want to tell him about her but I should maybe add that he likes her so um yeah, let me set myself on fire. He bought her a necklace with a heart pendant for her birthday and when she saw him being playful with me she came over, greeted him and informed him that she was wearing the necklace he'd given her, saying how pretty it was and how nice it was of him.

She's so nice to my face and other people it makes my skin crawl. Her giggles make me want to stab her. Yeup, it takes all of my self control. I don't know what to do now. We have mutual friends obviously (because she befriends my friends) and I can't make an outing without someone inviting her and I can't leave her out of anything, can't spend time with my friends without her and it's really frustrating. She isn't in any of my classes (thank the lord) but she's in classes with people that I don't know and she asks for help from them (esp. the guys) and she's somehow making people bless the ground she walks on.

I don't know how she does it. She still calls me her best friend when we're with people. I want to slap her whenever she says it because it's so fake. Her group left her last year (apparently they were sick of her complaining) so now she's part of multiple groups including mine and people feel sorry for her.

Please don't tell me she might be a really nice person but I'm the bitch. I honestly don't need that. She talks to me every now and again. I remember the last time she said we should go on an outing and when I brought it up whilst asking her how her holidays were, she proceeded to ignore the first part and tell me how many social gatherings she'd been going to, how much fun she had, how many new friends she has and how many guys are talking to her -sighs-

Apologies for the rant, I can't talk to anyone I know about this. It's been haunting me since Year 9. Thank god I'm going to leave school soon but that doesn't necessarily mean the end of it. She's super competitive and just built her new house conveniently a street away from mine (save me please). What can I do? I'm just thinking of keeping it this way because I can't think of anything that won't backfire into my face (or result in her spreading rumours) and make people hate me.

 

[Queenroot]

Leave the relationship

 

[Focus is Key]

This situation really reminds me about my old 'best friend' of about 10 years. My advice is give her the exact same treatment she does to you. I know it may hurt for a while but you need to move on unless you are able to confront her about it and her behaviour changes toward you. I had a very similar situation as I said, a situation where even people that weren't my friends were noticing and telling me how poorly I was being treated. She can go onto her other friends- just dont give her that time. You don't need to block her out of your life altogether (it seems impossible to anyway) but just think of her either as a slight friend or not at all. It may be best to try and make some new friends or get closer to those around her.

 

[AngelaBengela]

Hi ShadowLighte,
I understand how you feel so I wanna help you somehow, even though it might not help I will just write what I would do.
Personally, if I were you I would talk to her about this, I would ask, why she behaves that way to you.
If you really can't stand her maybe it's best for you to leave her out of your life, maybe
I'm having this friendship crisis at the moment as well (well not exactly like this but yeah) I asked her why she behaves like that to me and well we didn't make up yet but at least I gave a try, I got no regret.
So yeah, stop stressing out yourself, it's only going to harm you.
And we got HSC to worry about, we got no time for this
Sooo yeah, good luck and I hope everything works out for you

 

[justem]

Honestly, the best thing you could do is try to totally cut her out of your life. She's toxic, and it can only mean bad news for you. This will require you to be string so make sure you're emotionally ready, also keep In mind that you only have a few more months than you're out if their so keep your chin up! And don't feel bad about being emotional aha sensitive, I'm exactly like you and it's nice to know people have a heart from experience I can tell you not to show any sign if weakness or uncomfortableness in front of her, she'll latch onto it. Just go day by day normally and before you know high school will be over and you'll be moving onto better people.

 

[kaz1]

she sounds like regina george

I suggest you cady heron her

 

[enoilgam]

I'm going to offer a bit of a different perspective, but maybe you should try and talk to her to resolve this issue. You obviously got along at some point - to me, it seems like there are unresolved issues here which might be more easily solvable than you think.

The fact is, long term close friendships are difficult to form and it's hard keeping them together. At the begining, people get really close and often times, you idealise the other person as being perfect. Then eventually, you realise that they arent perfect and that shatters your expectation which can lead to tension (kind of like the effect of a small black mark on a white wall). That sounds like what has happened here - you became very close and were oblivious to the flaws of the other person. My main circle of friends have been together for a long time- I've been friends with some of them for about 10 - 20 years. The one thing I've noticed is that no matter how great a person is, if you hang around them for a long time, they will eventually do something to annoy you. In many situations, you just have to deal with it on your own and put it past you. In other circumstances, you have to confront and usually if you get on top of it quickly, you can prevent it from becoming a big issue (which usually occurs when things are unresolved and people leave issues linger which really bug them).

This segues into my next point, but the majority of conflict between people stems from small issues which become overblown because people dont deal with the issue quickly. Like, a few weeks back at a party I said something I shouldnt have by mistake and a friend confronted me afterwards. With a 5 minute conversation, it was quickly resolved. However, I could totally imagine something like that snowballing into a massive issue if people try to keep it inside or bitch to their friends (which tends to escalate things). Is it possible that your drama can be traced back to a smaller issue?

I know this is going to sound a little mean, but is it possible that you resent her a little for getting close to someone you liked? If so, there is nothing to be ashamed of - it's natural to feel this way if a friend develops feelings for someone you like. I've seen it recently between two guys in my group - even though both guys are pretty mature and solved it like men, there is still a little residual resentment. It's possible that this could be making you see her in a more negative light.

So, all in all, I would approach her and be upfront about your issues and how she makes you feel. For all you know, she could be feeling the same way and direct and honest talk could do you guys wonders. Try to see things from her perspective as well - everyone has their own story and sometimes it can be difficult to see that story. I'm always an advocate of resolving things when it comes to friendships - they arent always sunshine and rainbows and part of being a good friend is trying to work things out in the bad times. As I said before, it seems as if at some point, you guys were good friends, so I would be very reluctant to throw it away. Besides, conflict resolution is an important life skill - chances are, you will encounter stuff like this in future friendships, relationships and in the workplace. The ability to be able to resolve such conflicts is invaluable. To me, walking away is the easy option and if you get in the habit of doing it, I think it can prevent you from building meaningful relationships with people.

Also, I'm not saying that you are at fault here, nor am I trying to invalidate your feelings. I'm just trying to offer you a different take on the issue.

 

[SnivysTrainer]

I really hate people like that, so I know how you feel. Try your absolute best to avoid her, because it sounds like she's using a very sneaky method of indirectly bullying you. That said, I do agree with enoilgam. Try talking with her, girl to girl, even though you are rather shy, talking about issues I find is the best way to solve them.

 

[norwegianwood]

wow i do not miss high school

 

[enoilgam]

talking about issues I find is the best way to solve them.

It sounds so simple, but it's so true I think.

 

[deloving]

It sounds so simple, but it's so true I think.

Unfortunately the majority of the world today is made up of oversensitive 'pussies' . People are very sensitive especially to straigthforward truth, and the simplest things are taken as 'offensive'.

 

[SnivysTrainer]

Unfortunately the majority of the world today is made up of oversensitive 'pussies' . People are very sensitive especially to straigthforward truth, and the simplest things are taken as 'offensive'.

I second that, although I am not one of them.

 

[enoilgam]

Unfortunately the majority of the world today is made up of oversensitive 'pussies' . People are very sensitive especially to straigthforward truth, and the simplest things are taken as 'offensive'.

I kind of agree (I'm not saying that the OP is like this though). I think many people operate under the delusion that friends must have purely positive thoughts about each other and any negative thoughts are somehow bad for the friendship. A lot of people like to claim that they can "take it", but when pushed a lot of them just cant handle being hit with negative criticism from a friend (which to me points to insecurities).

Personally, I think that if you cant give/take an honest opinion with a friend, then it really isnt much of a friendship. With one of my best mates, we are very critical of each other if we think we have done something wrong but we dont take it to heart or as being offensive. Overall though, it is an incredibly strong friendship.

 

[deloving]

I kind of agree (I'm not saying that the OP is like this though). I think many people operate under the delusion that friends must have purely positive thoughts about each other and any negative thoughts are somehow bad for the friendship. A lot of people like to claim that they can "take it", but when pushed a lot of them just cant handle being hit with negative criticism from a friend (which to me points to insecurities).

I was kind of insisting that the OP's friend is most likely like that, and by approaching them you'd end up in an argument rather than a deep discussion between two human beings and long-term friends, which could potentially heal wounds and strengthen the relationship. In a realistic approach people are selfish like that.

This reminds me of an Advice Mallard meme which said: "When someone calls you an asshole, instead of refusing it... ask yourself why they think of you that way." Something along those lines... I wish more people were like that.

 

[enoilgam]

I was kind of insisting that the OP's friend is most likely like that, and by approaching them you'd end up in an argument rather than a deep discussion between two human beings and long-term friends, which could potentially heal wounds and strengthen the relationship. In a realistic approach people are selfish like that.

From what the OP described, I have a feeling that the person will probably react in this way or they will become passive aggressive. I dont think that there is anything wrong with an argument per se (arguments can bring issues to the surface), but an argument where the person takes things personally isnt ideal.

This reminds me of an Advice Mallard meme which said: "When someone calls you an asshole, instead of refusing it... ask yourself why they think of you that way." Something along those lines... I wish more people were like that.

A great quote there I reckon - I try to look at negative opinions as providing an opportunity for introspection. It is easier said than done though, despite what I have said, it is difficult to not feel a little offended by criticism (however, I think that is a reflection on me as opposed to the person offering the criticism).

 

[ShadowLighte]

Leave the relationship

I can't really leave the relationship so to speak- how would you do that? Ask her not to be friends? Then there'd be rumours going on and people would be calling me slack for rejecting her and mean for not wanting to be friends or whatnot.

This situation really reminds me about my old 'best friend' of about 10 years. My advice is give her the exact same treatment she does to you. I know it may hurt for a while but you need to move on unless you are able to confront her about it and her behaviour changes toward you. I had a very similar situation as I said, a situation where even people that weren't my friends were noticing and telling me how poorly I was being treated. She can go onto her other friends- just don't give her that time. You don't need to block her out of your life altogether (it seems impossible to anyway) but just think of her either as a slight friend or not at all. It may be best to try and make some new friends or get closer to those around her.

Wow, ten years,, gosh that must've been terrible. I don't exactly know how to treat her the same way. Plus, I don't want to stoop to that level and act fake- I feel extremely uncomfortable like that. The thing is, people around me think she's genuine and can't see anything wrong with her- as far as they're letting on anyway. Yeah, slight friend is what she is atm. Kinda difficult getting new friends when I'm nearly finished school and she's friends with pretty much everyone 'worthy'. I wouldn't know how to get close to other friends around her, I'm not in any of their classes and rarely see them.

Hi ShadowLighte,
I understand how you feel so I wanna help you somehow, even though it might not help I will just write what I would do.
Personally, if I were you I would talk to her about this, I would ask, why she behaves that way to you.
If you really can't stand her maybe it's best for you to leave her out of your life, maybe
I'm having this friendship crisis at the moment as well (well not exactly like this but yeah) I asked her why she behaves like that to me and well we didn't make up yet but at least I gave a try, I got no regret.
So yeah, stop stressing out yourself, it's only going to harm you.
And we got HSC to worry about, we got no time for this
Sooo yeah, good luck and I hope everything works out for you

That's what I'd do too, talk to her- if there was actually something that was obvious. What if she denies acting that way? And then she tells her friends that I think she's being me to me or whatever? Haha, yeah I know, shouldn't let this get to me. Thank you, I hope everything works out for you too c:

Honestly, the best thing you could do is try to totally cut her out of your life. She's toxic, and it can only mean bad news for you. This will require you to be string so make sure you're emotionally ready, also keep In mind that you only have a few more months than you're out if their so keep your chin up! And don't feel bad about being emotional aha sensitive, I'm exactly like you and it's nice to know people have a heart from experience I can tell you not to show any sign if weakness or uncomfortableness in front of her, she'll latch onto it. Just go day by day normally and before you know high school will be over and you'll be moving onto better people.

Great plan but how do I execute it without looking like I'm purposely being mean to her? As of now I pretty much limit my interest towards her- when she asks something I answer with only a few words, blandly and don't really initiate conversation or anything like that but it feels like I'm being mean.

she sounds like regina george

I suggest you cady heron her

LOL only difference is that the entire school doesn't hate her.

Well, first thing you should do is recognise all the lessons you have learnt from this experience. Yes, not all people are wonderful and flowery, but they are not all bad either. Perhaps do not be too trusting of relationships, especially at a relatively young age, because the reality is most of them will likely draw to an end. I suggest that you do not stay friends with her anymore because it is clear she is having a more negative effect than positive and you should be spending your time focusing on the HSC.

Personally, do not let the fear of possible backfire stop you from doing what is best for yourself. Even if she starts spreading rumours around and it gets too much, you can always talk to your family or teachers about it. Either way, you are leaving high school this year, with a few months break after that, so it should be enough time to completely resolve yourself of these issues (given it does not just occur naturally on its own).

Haha, yeah I've definitely learnt those lessons and have taken anything into account but yknow, just wait until anther person comes who I can relate to extremely well and is practically my kindred spirit- I'll be blind sighted. Mhm, I know what you mean and I feel that way now but I think it's just when I see her and interact with her my feelings get the better of me.

In other circumstances, you have to confront and usually if you get on top of it quickly, you can prevent it from becoming a big issue (which usually occurs when things are unresolved and people leave issues linger which really bug them).

Is it possible that your drama can be traced back to a smaller issue?

I know this is going to sound a little mean, but is it possible that you resent her a little for getting close to someone you liked? If so, there is nothing to be ashamed of - it's natural to feel this way if a friend develops feelings for someone you like. I've seen it recently between two guys in my group - even though both guys are pretty mature and solved it like men, there is still a little residual resentment. It's possible that this could be making you see her in a more negative light.

I did confront her at the beginning. I left it for a week though because I wanted her to say something. Prior to that, whenever there was tension or we had a small argument, I'd always apologise first because I really valued that friendship and I mean, who wants there to be conflict between friends? and I decided that she should be the one to apologise at least once because it felt like I was the only one trying to keep the relationship working. She didn't, just ignored me and so I had to make the move and like I said earlier, I'm not sure as to what exactly happened- I assume I wrote her a letter because I'm not good with words in social situations, I get nervous and whatnot but in the end we were okay. Not as close as before but okay.

Haha, no it actually doesn't sound mean, it sounds realistic and that is correct. I do resent her, even if a little but it's only when she's talking to him. It would make more sense if she'd liked him back but she doesn't. [When I informed her of my liking towards him, she disapproved immediately, calling him a douche and when I questioned that she said "When he talks, it's not captivating and when says something it's like....... Like.... I dunno how to explain it but but a jerk. They say weird offensive, stupid things you know? Yes, he gets on my nerves"]. That's what bugs me, it feels like she's just playing with him and obviously no one wants to be played around with as well as using him to get to me and I feel threatened. If she did like him, I'd back off instantly and make way for her because then there'd be an actual chance of a relationship and I am no one to stop a relationship from forming. It would probably help me get over him too [it's been two and a half years and I mean, seriously but that's another story].

I really hate people like that, so I know how you feel. Try your absolute best to avoid her, because it sounds like she's using a very sneaky method of indirectly bullying you. That said, I do agree with enoilgam. Try talking with her, girl to girl, even though you are rather shy, talking about issues I find is the best way to solve them.

Well, I've tried and I'd rather not bring any horrors to the surface. As a result of all the assessments and whatnot, she hasn't been around me often which is great and so I plan on leaving it this until it comes up again as she isn't bothering me atm.

Thanks for all of your advice + opinions. It feels a little immature to be having problems over this and guys but well, life goes on and I bet a lot will change after I leave school so yeah. Deloving, I do agree with asking why rather than just reacting without thinking. I mean, someone said that to you for a reason. The thing with that is that I will ponder it for all eternity when I should really just ask that person.