Can I Please Get Feedback On My Creative Story (2 Viewers)

[mmmm.]

I also recommend using a lot of synonyms since your wording is a bit too simple; an example is “trees” -> “evergreen, conifer, sapling...”
“Walked” -> “saunter, stroll, amble...”
Instead of using simplistic words for colours, try paint names for them e.g. “orange” -> “coral, marigold, ochre etc.”

There’s a lot of editing that needs to be done. Not to mention, if you’ll be writing this in your HSC as a creative piece, you’ll most likely be asked to write a reflection. Who influenced you to write this? You need to use the essay structure (PETAL or PEEL etc.) for your reflection and annotate some of your quotes and the person who inspired/influenced you (their poem/novel etc...) Word limit should be kept at 800 words for both creative and reflection. But at the same time, the question might ask you to write a creative piece based on a picture or quote they provided so you MUST have a storyline beforehand.

If you’d like, I can send you my creative piece and reflection for you to have a look at - i came first in the grade with 24/25 as a result. I just lost a mark because my creative was a bit congested.

Ohh i see, and yes i would appreciate it if you could send me your creative and reflection. Is your writing based/influenced by a text? My email is mustafa.manzoor@education.nsw.gov.au

 

[Anh4life]

Ohh i see, and yes i would appreciate it if you could send me your creative and reflection. Is your writing based/influenced by a text? My email is mustafa.manzoor@education.nsw.gov.au

My creative was based on nature as Robert Gray was the chosen poet that my grade had to study.

 

[mmmm.]

I meant what was the story about. I could not grasp the idea. It was just a bunch of visual descriptions but it wasn't alluding to anything. To allow the reader to understand the story you need to focus on a specific human experience. We both do standard English and I think they expect us to write about human experiences as all modules studied throughout the year focused on experiences. For example, the common human experience of fear.

My story was supposed to be about government control and our ability to do whatever we want despite being restricted, and was influenced by 'The Pedestrian' by Ray Bradbury. So i guess that my human experience was about achieving whatever we want.

 

[studiesofboard]

Your creative is "telling" more than "showing". To get higher marks its best to show rather than tell.
Some ways to improve this would be to use certain types of imagery such as visual, auditory, olfactory, gustatory, tactile and kinaesthetic imagery.
For example instead of telling the audience what's happen show them whats happening through the senses.

Since your doing Pedestrian the storyline is somewhat relatable to the themes. But the story also feels very rushed and doesn't really seem to have any context or purpose, so you may need to change it to make it flow better. Btw personally your storyline is very messy and has lots of unnecessary information and context. Maybe you can use a non-linear structure such as flashbacks or diptych to cut out some of unnecessary parts in the creative. You should also try to stylistically mirror pedestrian by maybe using a third person perspective and other techniques to show the protagonist detachment from the current world. Also try not to make it too cliché.

But I strongly advice you to get feedback from a teacher if possible!

Yep. Also, asking feedback from your teacher is always good. Also, @mmmm have you done your trials yet. If you haven't its good to get feedback and show dedication towards your teacher since they are most likely marking it . If you know what I mean

 

[studiesofboard]

My story was supposed to be about government control and our ability to do whatever we want despite being restricted, and was influenced by 'The Pedestrian' by Ray Bradbury. So i guess that my human experience was about achieving whatever we want.

Ohhhh ok.

 

[mmmm.]

Yep. Also, asking feedback from your teacher is always good. Also, @mmmm have you done your trials yet. If you haven't its good to get feedback and show dedication towards your teacher since they are most likely marking it . If you know what I mean

I am currently in the middle of trials, but for our creative we had to continue on from a piece of writing, so i couldn't use this in my trials. My teacher said that this story was fine (her feedback is not the best - very brief, so I didn't know how to change it), but it's evident from here that i need to seriously change ALOT.

 

[Anh4life]

Ohh i see, and yes i would appreciate it if you could send me your creative and reflection. Is your writing based/influenced by a text? My email is mustafa.manzoor@education.nsw.gov.au

Just sent, let me know when you’ve received it

 

[studiesofboard]

I am currently in the middle of trials, but for our creative we had to continue on from a piece of writing, so i couldn't use this in my trials. My teacher said that this story was fine (her feedback is not the best - very brief, so I didn't know how to change it), but it's evident from here that i need to seriously change ALOT.

Oh ok.

I think the main thing was showing not telling but my teacher has given me creative sentence structures.

Here is one that you can use:

(Adjective) ______________, (adjective)__________________,I (verbal phrase)______________.

Example: Scared and cold, I slowly made my way towards the door.

 

[mikikieko12]

Yep. Also, asking feedback from your teacher is always good. Also, @mmmm have you done your trials yet. If you haven't its good to get feedback and show dedication towards your teacher since they are most likely marking it . If you know what I mean

Not sure if this is useful, but read this story posted by someone on BOS (I think they removed it or something idk). But I think they got a pretty high mark, plus they did Pedestrian too. Notice how simple yet complex the storyline is.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VJ33Bl-TGhCsY-PsWUY4PaxNc-AlA5yG/view?usp=sharing

My story was supposed to be about government control and our ability to do whatever we want despite being restricted, and was influenced by 'The Pedestrian' by Ray Bradbury. So i guess that my human experience was about achieving whatever we want.

Pedestrian is about the negative impacts of technological advancements on humanity. It shows how technology can dehumanise society and place specific restrictions on individuals. So the human experience is about being suppressed by technology and its impacts and stuff.

 

[mmmm.]

Just sent, let me know when you’ve received it

Got it, thankyou soooo much

 

[Anh4life]

Not sure if this is useful, but read this story posted by someone on BOS (I think they removed it or something idk). But I think they got a pretty high mark, plus they did Pedestrian too. Notice how simple yet complex the storyline is.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VJ33Bl-TGhCsY-PsWUY4PaxNc-AlA5yG/view?usp=sharing



Pedestrian is about the negative impacts of technological advancements on humanity. It shows how technology can dehumanise society and place specific restrictions on individuals. So the human experience is about being suppressed by technology and its impacts and stuff.

How long did this person have to write this? I personally feel like he could’ve written more in the reflection

 

[mmmm.]

Not sure if this is useful, but read this story posted by someone on BOS (I think they removed it or something idk). But I think they got a pretty high mark, plus they did Pedestrian too. Notice how simple yet complex the storyline is.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VJ33Bl-TGhCsY-PsWUY4PaxNc-AlA5yG/view?usp=sharing



Pedestrian is about the negative impacts of technological advancements on humanity. It shows how technology can dehumanise society and place specific restrictions on individuals. So the human experience is about being suppressed by technology and its impacts and stuff.

Thankyou

 

[mikikieko12]

How long did this person have to write this? I personally feel like he could’ve written more in the reflection

I'm not sure, it was posted by someone else.
The reflection definitely could use more analysis, however the creative is right on point.

 

[Anh4life]

I'm not sure, it was posted by someone else.
The reflection definitely could use more analysis, however the creative is right on point.

It definitely is.

 

[mmmm.]

For the creative, it is 471 words, do you think that this is too short?

 

[Anh4life]

For the creative, it is 471 words, do you think that this is too short?

It depends on what your storyline is. You can start in the middle of the story during or before the plot etc.

Also, much appreciated if you’d answer my emails since I’m an overthinker and like i said before in the email. I really don’t like it when people copy other people’s work - which they worked so hard for. (Again not aiming at you but in general)

 

[violetcombe]

I really like it, and I think you have some real skill as a writer, it's hard to craft a world like this (!)

...a few people have mentioned that the plot is cliche but I think the bigger problem is cliche language. I'm talking about description like "the sunlight glistened on the morning dew", for example. It's not that it's a bad or ugly sequence of words or an unappealing image, but it just feels a bit like something that someone else has already written. I know it's an impulse to reach for the word or description that is floating right on the top, but writers must fight it! Consider description that is a little stranger, so that it feels more fresh and, ultimately, more precise. I think lines like "crackling engine" are great, because who would think to describe an engine as crackling...

Another piece of advice: my teacher was forever suggesting with module c that we wrote about a very small intimate moment. Given the lack of time etc. it is usually, or always, more impactful to craft something small and detailed, like a conversation over a cup of tea, or the thoughts of a person as they fall asleep after some event, or a child's view of an interaction between their parents. Instead, your story takes up a lot of time trying to build up this whole enormous world and backstory. Not to say you can't have your dystopian world, but it should be in the background, not drawn out in expository language. Ultimately we care about people and their motivations and their relationships, and that is why we write and why we read. 1984, for instance, has a rich sense of setting etc. etc. but what makes it compelling is that it is about a guy, about loneliness, about love.

In general, I really admire your eye for world building, but I'd say leave it till you're publishing your 1000 page science fiction masterwork (you should! I would read it!) and in this unit think about leaving those details vague and instead sharpening your eye for small intimate moments of characterisation. This should also help with the problems others have mentioned about being confused.

More than anything, reading helps with writing, so if you're looking to finesse your expression I recommend that, obviously. Best of luck!!

 

[mmmm.]

For the creative story that @mikikieko12 gave. When the person says "the murky figure of a man emerged from the intersection of the street.” It is referring to the pedestrian where Mr. Mead “came to a cloverleaf intersection”. WHat technique is this? Like Mr. mead sees everyone stuck at home and obsessed with tv, and Leo is essentially that person.

 

[Omac21]

My creative was based on nature as Robert Gray was the chosen poet that my grade had to study.

Hey Anh, i'm doing a similar assessment task with an imaginative based on Robert Gray. Any chance you could send me yours for some inspiration?Thanks!