Urgent Feedback Required For This Paragraph on Mod A - LFR / KR3 (1 Viewer)

[wahbetemaujkardi]

Hey guys, i have written a sample body paragraph using the following question, for Pacino's Looking For Richard and Shakespeare's King Richard III. Would be great if you guys could give me feedback!!!

Essay Question:
In Looking for Richard, Al Pacino directly engages Americans’ dissonance with Shakespeare, and in doing so allows his audience to better resonate with his plays.
How well does Pacino use the docudrama form to connect audiences with Shakespeare’s King Richard III

@jimmysmith560 @icycledough @may22 or anyone else could you give feedback, im in urgent need of it as i want to know where and how to improve.

Sample Paragraph:
(Paragraph Removed For Privacy Purposes)

 

[may22]

I think you’ve answered the question really really well, you’ve gone into a lot of depth with it which is great! Just a few things I’d suggest improving:

- some of your sentences are quite long and they throw off your cohesion. You want to make sure you don’t have too many ideas all in one sentence, otherwise the point of your argument may be lost/is more difficulty to identify and comprehend
- a few language dips throughout, e.g. instead of saying “the need for a manifestation of the play”, you can replace need with “requirement” or maybe even “importance”
- note that when writing the actual essay, avoid shorthand like RIII and LFR, write the full title haha

Otherwise, looks pretty solid. Maybe someone else has a bit more insight

 

[wahbetemaujkardi]

I think you’ve answered the question really really well, you’ve gone into a lot of depth with it which is great! Just a few things I’d suggest improving:

- some of your sentences are quite long and they throw off your cohesion. You want to make sure you don’t have too many ideas all in one sentence, otherwise the point of your argument may be lost/is more difficulty to identify and comprehend
- a few language dips throughout, e.g. instead of saying “the need for a manifestation of the play”, you can replace need with “requirement” or maybe even “importance”
- note that when writing the actual essay, avoid shorthand like RIII and LFR, write the full title haha

Otherwise, looks pretty solid. Maybe someone else has a bit more insight

how would you suggest making the sentences shorter, thats something i tend to struggle do and my teacher said the same but im unaware of how to implement that, also thanks for your feedback

 

[may22]

how would you suggest making the sentences shorter, thats something i tend to struggle do and my teacher said the same but im unaware of how to implement that, also thanks for your feedback

Try splitting them somewhere in half, or segregating the different ideas. Make sure it still makes sense though

 

[wahbetemaujkardi]

Try splitting them somewhere in half, or segregating the different ideas. Make sure it still makes sense though

ah fair that makes sense, ill try to do that from now