Japanese Monologue/Persuasive Writing example

Question:
「最近、人々は医学の発達のおかげで、長生きしている。これは大変いいことだ。」あなたはどう思いますか。

Thanks to advances in medical technology, people are living longer. This is a good thing. What is your opinion?

Includes feedback from teacher but unfortunately she doesn't mark it so use at your own risk.

My Japanese Google drive: