So last Friday I had a small .. uh idk, thing with a guy friend and I don't know what to do about it.
Generally I don't have many friends that I can trust and the group that I'm currently in is a little dysfunctional and half the time I'm not there as I'm usually at the library doing work or catching up on sleep. At first the main reason was because while I was with my group I didn't enjoy time with them. We don't like the same things and most of the time I simply sat there and waited for break to be over.
Well there's this guy that I have a strange relationship with but he's usually the reason I go there. We are pretty affectionate towards each other and all at times though he's the one who initiates everything. I kind of have a love/ hate relationship with him though I'm not sure about him, he probably just thinks I'm confusing as fuck. When we do have fun, we talk and laugh and it makes me feel blessed to have him as a friend and everything but sometimes he straight out ignores me or purposely gets on my nerves and I want to slap him sometimes. Eg. one time he stood on the opposite side of my desk and shoved my desk towards me, hitting me just below the chest and just walked away without a word. So in other words he's an asshole at times.
Anyway, I decided to go there on Friday at lunch and things were fine at the beginning but they started talking about some old Japanese emperor or whatnot and I had no interest whatsoever. So I calmly waited until the bell went while I was looking around the block and stuff. When the bell did finally ring, I stood up and waited for this guy friend to come with me because we had the next class together. He just sat there and continued talking without regard for me and didn't tell me to go on ahead or to wait for him, so I waited for a couple of minutes before simply walking to class on my own because honestly, the least he could have done was said something. It's not like he didn't know either because I was standing opposite him and we've been going to class together like this for the past year and however long this year has been.
Forward to when we're sitting together in class. He sits perpendicular to me so we're in the corner and so it's easy for us to see each other. We didn't talk and I'll agree that I'm moody and too sensitive. I was upset for feeling ignored. I did maths homework and was struggling with a question, add that with how moody I am and feeling ignored/ neglected as well as the pressure and stress of doing well in school and all the other problems I have. He asked what work I was doing when it was clear that it was maths (maths textbook + I was doing trig functions) and I replied with 'maths' which I had to repeat three times because he didn't seem to get it (I thought he could have been doing it purposely to annoy me) and I kind of exploded.
Not really. I was annoyed and frustrated and said "Maths, I said I was doing maths three times already" and it was clear that I was annoyed in my tone. I wasn't necessarily angry, just annoyed. As soon as I said it I regretted it and couldn't look at him. There was a brief pause before he said "I didn't hear you". Which would have been fine and I think it would have been all fine then until he accusingly added "You're sad. I only asked a question and you act like this to me" which just built up my rage but I threw a blanket over the fire just sighed because I didn't want to argue with him and all of my pent up negativity would have spilled out and I'd probably regret things.
We didn't speak to each other. I gave up on maths and just plugged in my earphones and watched Supernatural because I felt so conflicted and could not think clearly and needed to calm down before I really exploded. Generally I keep a very calm exterior because I keep things controlled inside of me. He did ask to use my eraser though and without a word I just took it out of my bag and offered him my whole pencil case in a kind of 'I surrender, just do what you will'.
At the end, I did feel better if not slightly. We all packed up and walked out of class to the main area. I managed to sneak away into a hallway which was empty and would be the fastest way to make my escape once the bell rang to signal the end of the day. I was leaning against the wall, idly running my fingers against the pages of my textbook and looking down. I felt pretty low, like I could have burst into tears at any moment. I saw him come to see where I'd gone, look at me for about three seconds before simply walking away. I haven't seen nor heard of him since then. I'm probably making it a bigger deal than it should be but I teared up a little because it felt like I was invisible to him, utterly worthless. He saw me upset but didn't do anything about it. If anything, he could have just stood next to me if he didn't know what to do, anything little would have done something but he walked away as if he'd seen nothing.
Luckily the bell went as I started getting teary and walked out before anyone could see. Don't worry, I'm not one to cry in school. I'd attract too much attention. When I went home though and thought about things, that's when I really broke down and though I don't remember much I do remember the same thoughts swirl in my mind which were along the lines of "Why is life so difficult" thinking about how I just want a basic life without so many problems followed by "No one even cares". I guess the negativity finally got to me.
School tomorrow. I don't know what to do. Don't know how to talk to him though I'm usually not the one doing the talking. I don't want to act as if nothing had happened because to me it wasn't nothing. It was significant though small. To me it showed that he really didn't care about me. What will probably happen is that we won't talk and I'll go to library again during breaks for the next week or so.
I have wanted to tell him about the reason why I snap at him and am moody because of the pent negativity and stuff but he never seems to care and never asks so why should I bother? Making myself vulnerable for him and feeling so helpless would more than likely end up in more disappointment because he'd just say that most people are like that or even worse, just shrug it off or accept it rather than giving me advice or support.
Generally I don't have many friends that I can trust and the group that I'm currently in is a little dysfunctional and half the time I'm not there as I'm usually at the library doing work or catching up on sleep. At first the main reason was because while I was with my group I didn't enjoy time with them. We don't like the same things and most of the time I simply sat there and waited for break to be over.
Well there's this guy that I have a strange relationship with but he's usually the reason I go there. We are pretty affectionate towards each other and all at times though he's the one who initiates everything. I kind of have a love/ hate relationship with him though I'm not sure about him, he probably just thinks I'm confusing as fuck. When we do have fun, we talk and laugh and it makes me feel blessed to have him as a friend and everything but sometimes he straight out ignores me or purposely gets on my nerves and I want to slap him sometimes. Eg. one time he stood on the opposite side of my desk and shoved my desk towards me, hitting me just below the chest and just walked away without a word. So in other words he's an asshole at times.
Anyway, I decided to go there on Friday at lunch and things were fine at the beginning but they started talking about some old Japanese emperor or whatnot and I had no interest whatsoever. So I calmly waited until the bell went while I was looking around the block and stuff. When the bell did finally ring, I stood up and waited for this guy friend to come with me because we had the next class together. He just sat there and continued talking without regard for me and didn't tell me to go on ahead or to wait for him, so I waited for a couple of minutes before simply walking to class on my own because honestly, the least he could have done was said something. It's not like he didn't know either because I was standing opposite him and we've been going to class together like this for the past year and however long this year has been.
Forward to when we're sitting together in class. He sits perpendicular to me so we're in the corner and so it's easy for us to see each other. We didn't talk and I'll agree that I'm moody and too sensitive. I was upset for feeling ignored. I did maths homework and was struggling with a question, add that with how moody I am and feeling ignored/ neglected as well as the pressure and stress of doing well in school and all the other problems I have. He asked what work I was doing when it was clear that it was maths (maths textbook + I was doing trig functions) and I replied with 'maths' which I had to repeat three times because he didn't seem to get it (I thought he could have been doing it purposely to annoy me) and I kind of exploded.
Not really. I was annoyed and frustrated and said "Maths, I said I was doing maths three times already" and it was clear that I was annoyed in my tone. I wasn't necessarily angry, just annoyed. As soon as I said it I regretted it and couldn't look at him. There was a brief pause before he said "I didn't hear you". Which would have been fine and I think it would have been all fine then until he accusingly added "You're sad. I only asked a question and you act like this to me" which just built up my rage but I threw a blanket over the fire just sighed because I didn't want to argue with him and all of my pent up negativity would have spilled out and I'd probably regret things.
We didn't speak to each other. I gave up on maths and just plugged in my earphones and watched Supernatural because I felt so conflicted and could not think clearly and needed to calm down before I really exploded. Generally I keep a very calm exterior because I keep things controlled inside of me. He did ask to use my eraser though and without a word I just took it out of my bag and offered him my whole pencil case in a kind of 'I surrender, just do what you will'.
At the end, I did feel better if not slightly. We all packed up and walked out of class to the main area. I managed to sneak away into a hallway which was empty and would be the fastest way to make my escape once the bell rang to signal the end of the day. I was leaning against the wall, idly running my fingers against the pages of my textbook and looking down. I felt pretty low, like I could have burst into tears at any moment. I saw him come to see where I'd gone, look at me for about three seconds before simply walking away. I haven't seen nor heard of him since then. I'm probably making it a bigger deal than it should be but I teared up a little because it felt like I was invisible to him, utterly worthless. He saw me upset but didn't do anything about it. If anything, he could have just stood next to me if he didn't know what to do, anything little would have done something but he walked away as if he'd seen nothing.
Luckily the bell went as I started getting teary and walked out before anyone could see. Don't worry, I'm not one to cry in school. I'd attract too much attention. When I went home though and thought about things, that's when I really broke down and though I don't remember much I do remember the same thoughts swirl in my mind which were along the lines of "Why is life so difficult" thinking about how I just want a basic life without so many problems followed by "No one even cares". I guess the negativity finally got to me.
School tomorrow. I don't know what to do. Don't know how to talk to him though I'm usually not the one doing the talking. I don't want to act as if nothing had happened because to me it wasn't nothing. It was significant though small. To me it showed that he really didn't care about me. What will probably happen is that we won't talk and I'll go to library again during breaks for the next week or so.
I have wanted to tell him about the reason why I snap at him and am moody because of the pent negativity and stuff but he never seems to care and never asks so why should I bother? Making myself vulnerable for him and feeling so helpless would more than likely end up in more disappointment because he'd just say that most people are like that or even worse, just shrug it off or accept it rather than giving me advice or support.
