ANy good jokes (1 Viewer)

[s0k0y0e0]

My dad told me this one!


There were 3 nuns driving in a car through Pensilvania; when suddenly a vampire jumped on their windscreen.

The nuns yelled at the vampire to get off the car; but he held on for dear life.

One of the nuns said; "I have an idea!. Swerve the car diagonally up the road and he's sure to come off!" So the nun driving twisted and turned the steering wheel; but the vampire held on for dear life.

The Second nun said; "I have an idea! Why don't you put on the windscreen wipers and squirt him with the holy water!" So the nun driving turned on the windscreen wipers and squirted the holy water at the vampire; but the vampire STILL held on for dear life!

Then the nun driving said; "I know! Show him your cross!" So one of the nuns stuck her head out the window and shouted; "Get off the fucking car, you arsewhole!".



[He He I thought it was funny when I heard it! Especially when there was a nun at my school! ]

 

[nick1048]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

hehehehehe ^^

 

[katietheskatie]

hahah, nuns in cars .. that reminds me of another one.

a copper's doing highway patrol when he notices a carload of nuns going really slowly down the road, so he pulls them over and says to the driver 'excuse me madam, but why are you going so slowly?' and she says 'oh, i thought that was the speed limit!' and he says 'no no, this is highway 30, that's the highway number, not the speed limit'. the nun apologises and just as the police officer is about to walk off, he notices all the nuns in the backseat look absolutely terrified and hadn't made a peep the whole time. so he poked his head back in the window and said 'excuse me again, but i can't help but notice the ladies in the back look a bit frightened. are they okay?', and the driver nun says 'oh yeah, they'll be fine in a minute, we just got off highway 240'.

 

[Zoltan]

If you have a big weevil and a little weevil, and you take away the big one, what have you got?

The lesser of two weevils!!!!

 

[Zoltan]

Why do blondes have bruises around their bellybuttons?

Because blonde guys are stupid too!!!!

 

[Zoltan]

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

 

[Zoltan]

A boss is talking to his employee at work. The employee seems rather tired, so the boss asks what's the matter. The guy says he's feeling very stressed at the moment. His boss says 'that's no problem for me; every time I feel stressed I go home and have sex with my wife.' So the employee goes 'thanks for the tip, I'll try that.'
So he comes into work the next day looking very refreshed. The boss asks, 'did it work?'
The employee says, 'yeah I feel heaps better now! By the way, you have a very nice house.'

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'll stop now.

 

[velox]

hahah nice jokes zoltan. Last one and the blonde one were good lol.

 

[marchetta]

An american student was walking on campus one day when another student rode up on a shiny new bicycle. 'Where did you get such a nice bike?' asked the first.
The second american replied, 'well yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "take what you want!"
The first american nodded approvingly. 'Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted.'

 

[matchstick01]

I heard this one from a preist at my church, thaught it was pretty good from a preist.

2 guys named Daniel and Michael were practicing there putting skills on a green. Daniel was very holy, he went to church every week and was quite involved with things happening. Michael on the other hand, while he was catholic, he wasn't a very active catholic. Anyway, Michael took his first put, and he missed. 'Damn I missed,' he said. Daniel gave him a weird look and said 'I really wish you wouldn't say that.' Michael appologised and took a second shot. He missed again and said 'damn i missed.' 'I really wish you wouldn't say that' said Daniel once again. Michael then looked up and said 'Lord, if I say damn i missed one more time, please, strike me with lightning.' He took a 3rd put and missed once again. 'Damn, I missed,' he said. At an instant dark clouds rolled in, and lightning struck Daniel, the holy guy! A deep voice then came down from the clouds saying, 'damn, i missed.'

Well I liked it anyway.

 

[angelduck]

i heard this one at uni - "why does a woman remind men of KFC? Because once ur done with the breast and thighs, all u have left is a greasy box to put ur bone in"

 

[Smokey_22]

Jim phones his office in the morning and says to his boss, "boss, i'm not coming in today, i'm sick." His boss says "exactly how sick are you?" Jim replies "well im in bed with my sister."

 

[marchetta]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated coversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following: Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.
'You folu-mouth swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'
'Hey coola down lady,' said the man. 'Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.'

 

[samuelblayden]

hahah, nuns in cars .. that reminds me of another one.

a copper's doing highway patrol when he notices a carload of nuns going really slowly down the road, so he pulls them over and says to the driver 'excuse me madam, but why are you going so slowly?' and she says 'oh, i thought that was the speed limit!' and he says 'no no, this is highway 30, that's the highway number, not the speed limit'. the nun apologises and just as the police officer is about to walk off, he notices all the nuns in the backseat look absolutely terrified and hadn't made a peep the whole time. so he poked his head back in the window and said 'excuse me again, but i can't help but notice the ladies in the back look a bit frightened. are they okay?', and the driver nun says 'oh yeah, they'll be fine in a minute, we just got off highway 240'.

This is really good 10 out of 10

 

[Smokey_22]

Whats the definition of embarrassment?



Running into a brick wall with a boner, and breaking your nose.

 

[dani_123_5]

did u know there is more money spent on the reseach of breast implants and viagra than alzheimer's disease so by 2060 the old ppl are gunna be walking round with big tits and massive hards on but they wont remember what to do with them.... kinda lame but it was funny the first time

 

[MissSavage29]

my friend told me this one,

a guy and his girlfriend where on a motorbike when he stopped and complained that he was getting too cold becaues his jacket wouldnt zipp up. So his girlfriend told him to put it on backwards adn that would help - he thought this was a great idea so he did it and they got back on the bike and kept going.
A couple of minutes later the bike crashes into a farmers property and both the guy and his girlfriend where tossed off. The next mornign the farmer finds them and tries to help, he rings the police to tell them what he found. THe officer asks if either of them were alive when he found them, the farmer replies "the man was breathing, but when i put his head around the right way he stopped"

 

[HoCo8]

Why did the woman cross the road?



Who cares, why the fuck wasn't she in the kitchen!?

 

[HoCo8]

*WARNING: RACIST JOKE :GNINRAW*



An Abo and a Leb were in a car, who was driving?



The cop

 

[SomeoneCool]