Belonging conceptual statement HELP!!! (1 Viewer)

[muz01]

hey guys just wondering if this statement about belonging sounds good?

[FONT=&quot]The concept of belonging deals with not only acceptance but also with dejection and alienation. This concept can influence our belonging to a group or society by our background and also our culture.[/FONT]

Any comments appreciated,
cheers

 

[lychnobity]

[FONT=&quot]The concept of belonging deals with not only acceptance but also with dejection and alienation. This concept can be influenced by our background and also our culture.[/FONT]

In bold: tautology. Ruins the aesthetic of the sentence.

Good concept. Can be more sophisticated expression wise.

 

[muz01]

got anyways could be more sophisticated?

 

[lychnobity]

got anyways could be more sophisticated?

Try varying your sentence starters and word choices (I don't mean throwing in big words to add "sophistication")

Get rid of the maths equation style you're using.

Improve tone. It's coming across half assed.

Figure it out.

 

[muz01]

righto cheers bro