Belonging - Creative Writing Draft (1 Viewer)

[Kimochi]

Hey guys, just wanted to see
if you can check out my story
and see what kind of mark
i deserve outa 20, as well as
giving me constructive Critisicm =D

 

[Gunner4lyfe]

there is NO way ur gonna get all of this down in the exam..trust me

shorten it and you will succeed

 

[E-Hawk]

Like Gunner4yfe said, shorten the story if you can.

Also, avoid the use of the word belonging. It makes the story appear a bit cliche. Instead you could use at the end: "wherever you are; i knew i found my place". This is because the markers understand that this is a belonging piece before they read it. Using the world belong may make them think that you are having trouble putting you idea across.

Out of 20, i would give it a 17 (i.e. if you shortened it). i'm a student by the way so don't take my comments too close to heart. Check it with a teacher.

Enjoyed the read.

 

[clintmyster]

the plot where someone close to you dies is so cliched and is going to be overused for many people unless you have something deep and meaningful like a eulogy where the emotional connection is more so implied and felt as opposed to stated.

you'd probably get between 11-14 for this.

 

[annabackwards]

As everyone else had said, it is way too LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNG.

Shorten it down! My story i'll be using for the 1/2 yearly is only 961 words ^^

I'd give it a 15...

It's a bit too cliched for my liking.

 

[lychnobity]

I'm giving 12-14/20

Cliched idea
Boring expression
Flat, wooden character

Exploration of belonging is pedestrian.

Reminds me of teenage angst

I'd say you should rework the concept and experiment with the way you write - it's coming across in a very mathematical way (ie you have exactly 1 or 2 adjectives before every verb or noun).

 

[Laurennn123]

i agree love, it is a lil long.. maybe shorten it by a few hunderd words.. mines 1150...
you need to make it flow a lil more.. instead of i did this, i did that, i did this.. if u get me?
try not say 'belonging' too.. make it a lil more ambiguous.

if your finding all this too hard to change in your story, and, if you have time, maybe write a few different stories and pick the best? also dont be afraid to give it to your teacher to mark

 

[sarsha.dawn]

i think it ticked all the markers boxes.
evoking a emotional response,
story within a story, flashback,
good dialogue,
good imagery,
+ everything else
haha
obv cliche but they love that kind of thing
everyone else already covered everthing.
but yea fair decent ^__^

 

[thatjayderig]

Hey guys, just wanted to see
if you can check out my story
and see what kind of mark
i deserve outa 20, as well as
giving me constructive Critisicm =D

hey. i read ur story, its good, but my teacher said try not 2 use much dialogue and dnt use the wrd belonging at all cause it makes it cleche, other than that its really good, dw bout the length i think ur supposed 2 write 2-3pages hand written

 

[besfrans]

the intros alrite..
but yeh dying is abit...

 

[Absolutezero]

obv cliche but they love that kind of thing

Actually, markers hate cliche. There's nothing worse than reading 100 stories where the plot is exactly the same. I believe it's going to happen even moreso for belonging than it did for journeys. Anyone who ends their story in "Now I finally belong" or any close variations upon that should be shot.

 

[watda]

belonging: Boulevard of broken dreams

does anyone noe how 'Boluevard of broken dreams' realtes to belonging?

what are some of teh techniques used to send its message accross?

 

[Absolutezero]

Here's a breakdown the way I see it:

I walk a lonely road <= Character is alone, alienatied
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone <= May find some solice in being alone (note the use of 'home'); community in not belonging

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone <= Repition of alone

I walk alone
I walk alone <= Repition of alone

I walk alone
I walk a... <= Repition of alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me <=Personification, shadow walks, only community to belong to is shadow
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me <= Seeks Community and belonging at some point
'Til then I walk alone <= But doesn't really mind being alone; or doesn't have a choice

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah <= Vocal solo

I think this is where a shift in tone occur

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind <= Choice ?
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone <= Fear taking hold

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright <= high modality in the word 'fucked'
Check my vital signs <= The city is so lonely he has to check to make sure he' still alive
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

Repeat Bridge & Chorus <= Repetition


Another Summary:
Armstrong called Boulevard the 'hangover' song, and that's pretty much what it is. Coming after Holiday this song describes the feeling of loneliness that Jesus of Suburbia has to face after the party is over. After finally breaking free and entering the City, Jesus was excited and filled with expectations. But now the holiday is over, the confetti landed on the floor and the intoxication is wearing off - he looks around and finds himself alone on the street of the heartless city, empty in the morning darkness. Everything around him seems lifeless and only his vital signs prove that he's not dead as well. He's all alone...The phrase "I'm walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind" could be considered the beginning of St. Jimmy's appearance - Jesus doesn't want to be weak and vulnerable anymore, he wants to change.

Of course, there is more to this song than just Jesus' emotional hangover. Walking a lonely road is not only a one-time realization of your loneliness. Going through life on your own you get so used to the solitude that this lonely road becomes your home, and your actual life. Most songs about loneliness are a scream for help, an expression of despair and fear of being alone. Boulevard is different - the narrator accepts his life the way it is, he's used to it, no matter how horrible it might get or seem, this loneliness is his way. Only sometimes does he dream of someone finding him and saving him from his aloneness, but so far he doesn't know any better and is patiently waiting for a change.


That should get you started.

 

[tku336]

write up your story again, only this time get rid of every adjective or adverb, simile and metaphor. then shorten dialogue. and make sure you dont have a person dying as the major idea unless your sure yours will stand out.

 

[watda]

thanx so much !!

 

[showy]

pretty good, though the expression 'brand spanking new' stood out- i think it kind of disrupts the mood a little bit.

 

[watda]

thanx so much !!

does anyome have anymore notes on 'Boulevard of broken dreams'?

btw does anyone noe how to create a post on a new page coz i keep intuding every1 else's page lol