can someone help me with a part of my creative writing (1 Viewer)

[HeroicPandas]

Its an orphanage story, parents come pick up children, this one, only 1 is shown up, can anyone make it better? i cant think

The shiny Mercedes Benz drove smoothly and parked in front of the door. The husband and wife got out their car holding plastic bags consisting of KFC and McDonalds meals. As the couple walked, their polished black shoes scrapped against the concrete path, their traditional dresses swayed. It looked like they were famous people that just came from a cultural festival. They wore black sunglasses and hurried across the desert-like environment and gave the children the meals. The children opened by the boxes and saw crispy juicy chicken, golden fried chips, cheese burgers.

its a part of my story- theworst part

 

[HeroicPandas]

I can make this scene "flow"...

after this scene happens the couple goes in an watches them eat, takes 2 children and go (total 15 children, now 13 are left)
the story is all about 1 orphan

 

[HeroicPandas]

Can someone modify the whole paragraph? its so had to show it, im listing too much

 

[DamTameNaken]

The shiny Mercedes Benz drove smoothly and parked in front of the door (good sentence). The husband and wife got out their car holding plastic bags consisting of KFC and McDonalds meals (Shiny mercedes benz... and suddenly McDonalds. Does not compute and also makes the scene seem awkward). As the couple walked, their polished black shoes scrapped against the concrete path, their traditional dresses swayed. It looked like they were famous people that just came from a cultural festival (ever heard of 'show don't tell'? I don't want to be told they looked famous, i want to read this and say "Wow, they look just like how i'd imagine Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie."). They wore black sunglasses and hurried across the desert-like (desert-like is a clunky adjective) environment and gave the children the meals. The children opened by the boxes and saw crispy juicy chicken, golden fried chips, cheese burgers (Feels like i'm reading a McDonald's advertisement, if you wanted to describe the meal talk about how greasy it is 'enough grease that if it were burnt would be able to fuse the components of life and become a small isolated star that you could hold in your hand.')


But anyway i'm not writing it and maybe the contrast between KFC and Mercedes Benz is important but the whole scene just seems awkward, and your description feels bare bones.

 

[HeroicPandas]

As the couple walked, their polished black shoes scrapped against the concrete path, their traditional dresses swayed. It looked like they were famous people that just came from a cultural festival

how can i fix this? im too used to showing stuff

 

[angelxp]

Your story is very exciting, like it.

 

[LoveHateSchool]

Need to change sentence structure a bit, too much they/the-also the writing style is a little passive too.

 

[ClockworkSoldier]

how can i fix this? im too used to showing stuff

Original:
"As the couple walked, their polished black shoes scrapped against the concrete path, their traditional dresses swayed. It looked like they were famous people that just came from a cultural festival."

Example:
"Polished black shoes scraped the concrete path while black shaded glasses glinted in the sun. The lady's elaborate traditional dress swayed with each step as they made their way through the arid environment. She smiled and handed the children their meals."

Could be better...
Do not copy this word-for-word as my writing style is vastly different to yours. This is only an example.