Can you 'mark'/give advice on my essay introduction (1 Viewer)

[pigas]

I'm trying to improve my essays. My average mark in english is like 65% - 70% and I think it's because of my poor essay writing skills. I want to average 85% at least. I am working on improving one section at a time, so I have began reading guides and writing introductions for several different topic questions. Soon I will work on body, then conclusion. Please tell me how I can improve my introductions:

“Belonging relies on both conformity and individuality”

The concept of belonging is a multifaceted*(?) one, by which the definition really depends on an individual’s personal opinion of what they think belonging is. Because of this, belonging may rely on both conformity and individuality, however this depends on the individual and what they feel is needed of them to ‘belong’ and what belonging means to them. It also depends on the context – belonging doesn’t always have to involve fitting in with a group of people, but it may be expressed through feeling like you belong to a particular place. Because of these variables, belonging does not always rely on conformity and individuality. This can be expressed in Peter Skryznecki’s poem Feliks Skyznecki from the anthology Immigrant Chronicle, where Feliks Skryznecki’s character and values are expressed from Peter Skzynecki’s view from when he was a child to show how Feliks has a sense of belonging to his garden.

*I didn't know if 'multifaceted' makes sense, I wanted to say like it can have many different meanings.
please halp

 

[QZP]

I think you write too 'casually'; cut your sentences short to create elegance.

"The concept of belonging is a multifaceted one" --> "The concept of belonging is multifaceted"
"by which the definition really depends on an individual's personal opinion of what they think belonging is" --> "depending on an individual's personal opinion"
Overall: "The concept of belonging is multifaceted, depending on an individual's personal opinion"
This is essentially what you are saying captured in less than half the words. Even then, the content is lacking (which is what you should improve on after you cut the amount of ink you waste!)

 

[rumbleroar]

You probably need to find a more structured and direct thesis...it's a bit too waffly at the beginning and doesn't provide a direct answer, imo.

I would go for something like:
An individual's context shapes their multi-faceted perception of belonging, which can rely on conformity or autonomy. etc etc etc

Then I would go onto ideas about how conformity and individuality can shape a person's sense of belonging or whatever: (sorry just made this up on the spot)
An individual's concept of belonging varies from inclusion within a secular group or society, which ignites a sense of belonging, through conformity. Alternatively, an individual's sense of belonging can be fostered through exclusion of certain groups, which facilitate the growth of one's individuality and self-identity.

And then introduce my texts formally:
These ideas are demonstrated in ........... (and then I would talk about each text in my body paragraphs)

You need to talk more about your ideas so your audience/teacher knows what you are going to talk about in your thesis. Right now, it's a bit unstructured and waffly. You need to articulate your ideas better because tbh, I don't really know what you are trying to say in your intro or thesis.

Best of luck

 

[Absolutezero]

The concept of belonging is a multifaceted*(?) one, by which the definition really depends on an individual’s personal opinion of what they think belonging is.

This is a useless sentence. It tells me nothing about what belonging actually is.

Because of this, belonging may rely on both conformity and individuality, however this depends on the individual and what they feel is needed of them to ‘belong’ and what belonging means to them.

This is starting to get somewhere. This needs to be tightened, and the actual (not plausible) impact of both conformity and individuality on the individual needs to be addressed

It also depends on the context – belonging doesn’t always have to involve fitting in with a group of people, but it may be expressed through feeling like you belong to a particular place.

Don't tell me what it's not, tell me what is it. Also, belonging is more than just people and place, why have you chosen these in particular?

Because of these variables, belonging does not always rely on conformity and individuality.

So why did you mention them so strongly before? You need to tell me what belonging is, what it involves and why it matters.

This can be expressed in Peter Skryznecki’s poem Feliks Skyznecki from the anthology Immigrant Chronicle, where Feliks Skryznecki’s character and values are expressed from Peter Skzynecki’s view from when he was a child to show how Feliks has a sense of belonging to his garden.

What can be expressed? What character and values in particular? Feliks belonging to his garden does not belong in an introductory paragraph, it is example-specific, and not important unless you can strongly and directly tie it to the type of belonging that is expressed.



You need to pick a view point and stick with it.

 

[hawkrider]

Agree with previous posts, your intro isn't very clear and concise, it has too much waffle and you're not directly answering the question. Cut the sentences shorter in order to get straight to the point and it will be easier to understand rather than being verbose.

 

[JT145]

I agree with the casual language that's been suggested above. I'll highlight where I think you need to get more formal language

The concept of belonging is a multifaceted*(?) one, by which the definition really depends on an individual’s personal opinion of what they think belonging is. Because of this, belonging may rely on both conformity and individuality, however this depends on the individual and what they feel is needed of them to ‘belong’ and what belonging means to them. It also depends on the context – belonging doesn’t always have to involve fitting in with a group of people, but it may be expressed through feeling like you belong to a particular place. Because of these variables, belonging does not always rely on conformity and individuality. This can be expressed in Peter Skryznecki’s poem Feliks Skyznecki from the anthology Immigrant Chronicle, where Feliks Skryznecki’s character and values are expressed from Peter Skzynecki’s view from when he was a child to show how Feliks has a sense of belonging to his garden.

1. Don't use 'show'. Here are a few other ways that have meanings similar to 'show' (depends on the context of the sentence to which one you use, each aren't directly interchangeable).
Exemplifies
Illuminates
Clarifies
Positions us to see
Connotes
Portrays
Illustrates
Emphasises
Depicts
Alludes to
Highlights
Implies
Defines
Displays
Conveys
Demonstrates
Proves
Evidences
Suggests
Authenticates
Validates
Confirms
Denotes

2. Let's get some formal language in.

really depends on an individual’s personal opinion of what they think belonging is.

--> 'it depends on an individual's perception of belonging'. Shorten it. Also, don't slip into dialogue-speak, instead of 'what they think belonging is' say 'what ones perceptions of belonging is'. Notice the 'ones' instead of 'they'. In addition, don't say 'think'... say something like 'notions'.

I agree with the above on to shorten it, there is a whole lot of stuff there that doesn't contribute to much.

 

[Salehhh]

This is a useless sentence. It tells me nothing about what belonging actually is.




This is starting to get somewhere. This needs to be tightened, and the actual (not plausible) impact of both conformity and individuality on the individual needs to be addressed




Don't tell me what it's not, tell me what is it. Also, belonging is more than just people and place, why have you chosen these in particular?




So why did you mention them so strongly before? You need to tell me what belonging is, what it involves and why it matters.



What can be expressed? What character and values in particular? Feliks belonging to his garden does not belong in an introductory paragraph, it is example-specific, and not important unless you can strongly and directly tie it to the type of belonging that is expressed.



You need to pick a view point and stick with it.

+1

 

[pigas]

Thanks everyone. I sort of thought the same thing when I read it out aloud, that there were some unnecessary words and perhaps I wasn't on the point. Ugh, I feel like I can never get essays right no matter how much I try. >.< but thanks for the help, I will put your advice to use.

 

[tigerian]

Have you checked your private mail . I sent you something about it

 

[tigerian]

just sent reply to you. see your private mail