* When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
* Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
* According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
* Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
* The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
* Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
* Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
* Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
* Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
* They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
* Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
* A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
* Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
* In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
* Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
* "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
* Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.
* Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
* Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
* In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
* Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
* When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
* Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
* Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
* Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
* Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
* Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
* Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
* Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
* Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
* Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
* For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
* Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
* Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
* Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
* Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
* Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
* For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
* There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
* During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
* Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
* Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
* Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
* Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
* Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
* The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
* Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
* Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
* Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
* Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
* Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
* Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
* If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
* Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
* He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
* Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
* Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
* Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
* Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
* Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
* Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
* "One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
* People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
* Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
* When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
* Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
* Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
* Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
* Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
* Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
* People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
* Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
* Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
* Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
* Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
* Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
* In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
* Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
* Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
* Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
* Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
* Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
* The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
* Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
* There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
* Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
* There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
* Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
* Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
* On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
* The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
* When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
* Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
* When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
* You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris
* No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
* Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
* On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
* Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
* Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
* Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
* Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
* Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
* Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
* Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
* Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
* The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
* The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
* The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
* When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
* In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
* When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
* The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
* Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
* Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
* When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
* Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
* Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
* Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
* Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
* Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
# If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
* Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
* Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
* The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
* Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
* Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
* Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
* Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.
* When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.
* Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
* Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
