agirlinatutu
Im just not ready...
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I could use a few critiques before I had in the first part of my triptych tomorrow.
thanks
thanks
Creative Writing (1 Viewer)
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bored of sc
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I read the intro and conclusion paragraphs.
Intro was too scientific (seemed out of place) but the conclusion was great. Well done.
Intro was too scientific (seemed out of place) but the conclusion was great. Well done.
agirlinatutu
Im just not ready...
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lol you just read the italic parts? lol well thanks anywaysbored of sc said:
shoepopper
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wow! That was really good.
You really make the reader believe it is happening.
Great story
You really make the reader believe it is happening.
Great story
agirlinatutu
Im just not ready...
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Thanksshoepopper said:wow! That was really good.
You really make the reader believe it is happening.
Great story
A little constructive criticism. Okay, I lied. A little more than a little. I have time on my hands.
I'll be honest, I didn't really like it at all, as-a-matter-of-fact. (Fantastic way to begin a critque!) First, the introductory paragraphs were very verbose. So, cut the flowery language wherever it is not necessary. More isn't always, ah...what's the word? More?
Anyway, as someone mentioned before the reference to gametes and cells in the beginning does not really complement your story, nor does it complement the genre and style you are attempting to write in.
In general, your storyline is really cliched and this is especially rendered so by, 'The loss of a parent and here is my story;' Which just makes the responder roll their eyes, and think, 'Oh noes...here is another depressing story about a person who has just lost their parent and goes on a quest to find enlightenment ... etc.' You can see where I am going. Since you actually tell the reader directly through the above quote, it becomes even more predictable.
There is also too much repetition of words, which I don't think was done on purpose for effect: "My heart thudded against my ribs, erratically and out of time. The world moved so slowly, movement seemed frozen in time....The iron grid and canary yellow number plate inched closer. A stomach churning scream ripped though the air, slamming the world back into real time." Thomas Hardy had a bit of an OCD about this and he would go back and change the words that he repeated unnecessarily in the same paragraph. However, this does not mean you get a thesaurus and change all the words you repeat. Just cut out unnecessary words which again, contribute to verbosity.
Just noticed a discrepancy in your description: "The world moved so slowly, movement seemed frozen in time." If the world was moving (even if it is slowly), then how can it be frozen? That line is a little paradoxical and had me thinking 'Huh?'
Good points - You had some very, very good lines. I really liked: "We learn that nothing is a certainty, that in the blink of an eye the world is suddenly not as we know it. There is purity in tears. " and others.
Hoped that helped. A bit heavy on the critical side, but I believe that a bit of constructive criticism does everyone some good.
I'll be honest, I didn't really like it at all, as-a-matter-of-fact. (Fantastic way to begin a critque!) First, the introductory paragraphs were very verbose. So, cut the flowery language wherever it is not necessary. More isn't always, ah...what's the word? More?
Anyway, as someone mentioned before the reference to gametes and cells in the beginning does not really complement your story, nor does it complement the genre and style you are attempting to write in.
In general, your storyline is really cliched and this is especially rendered so by, 'The loss of a parent and here is my story;' Which just makes the responder roll their eyes, and think, 'Oh noes...here is another depressing story about a person who has just lost their parent and goes on a quest to find enlightenment ... etc.' You can see where I am going. Since you actually tell the reader directly through the above quote, it becomes even more predictable.
There is also too much repetition of words, which I don't think was done on purpose for effect: "My heart thudded against my ribs, erratically and out of time. The world moved so slowly, movement seemed frozen in time....The iron grid and canary yellow number plate inched closer. A stomach churning scream ripped though the air, slamming the world back into real time." Thomas Hardy had a bit of an OCD about this and he would go back and change the words that he repeated unnecessarily in the same paragraph. However, this does not mean you get a thesaurus and change all the words you repeat. Just cut out unnecessary words which again, contribute to verbosity.
Just noticed a discrepancy in your description: "The world moved so slowly, movement seemed frozen in time." If the world was moving (even if it is slowly), then how can it be frozen? That line is a little paradoxical and had me thinking 'Huh?'
Good points - You had some very, very good lines. I really liked: "We learn that nothing is a certainty, that in the blink of an eye the world is suddenly not as we know it. There is purity in tears. " and others.
Hoped that helped. A bit heavy on the critical side, but I believe that a bit of constructive criticism does everyone some good.
lyounamu
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In my point of view, too much description diluted the purpose of the creative writing. The core purpose of the creative writing is to present a plot and slowly build upon that and that's where you let the writing down.
In addition, I found the biological reference at the first paragraph quite awkward. It's not a bad idea at all. However, it just didn't really fit in. If you are to make a connection between parents and a child, you may as well consider an alternative reference that focuses more on the love aspect of the parents-child relationship. I am not suggesting that your introducion was poor at all. It was great but it sounded out of place to some extent.
However, I do have lists of compliments to make. I loved the great and varied use of vocabularly throughout the writing. It really does show the examiners that you are utilising the vocabularly effectively without the apparent repetition of some particular words. And I will also agree with bawd with few great phrases you came up with. Good work and keep it up!
In addition, I found the biological reference at the first paragraph quite awkward. It's not a bad idea at all. However, it just didn't really fit in. If you are to make a connection between parents and a child, you may as well consider an alternative reference that focuses more on the love aspect of the parents-child relationship. I am not suggesting that your introducion was poor at all. It was great but it sounded out of place to some extent.
However, I do have lists of compliments to make. I loved the great and varied use of vocabularly throughout the writing. It really does show the examiners that you are utilising the vocabularly effectively without the apparent repetition of some particular words. And I will also agree with bawd with few great phrases you came up with. Good work and keep it up!