Absolutezero
real human bean
- Joined
- Nov 17, 2007
- Messages
- 15,074
- Gender
- Male
- HSC
- N/A
Dude, chill. There's always guests viewing pages.SIX GUESTS VIEWING! U ALL DUMB AS FUCK IF YOU PLAGIARISE THIS! srs.
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Dude, chill. There's always guests viewing pages.SIX GUESTS VIEWING! U ALL DUMB AS FUCK IF YOU PLAGIARISE THIS! srs.
AZ, have pity upon such a failure of an analytical english student :'(Dude, chill. There's always guests viewing pages.
Isn't it better to find out now though, rather than submit it an end up with that as a mark? Your language skills are fine. You just get bogged down in description, and lose track of the present plotline. Both are things you can fix between now and the HSC.AZ, have pity upon such a failure of an analytical english student :'(
Of all the english stuff ive put up here for advice, its ALWAYS been "This is weak response, no more than 10/15, you must change pretty much everything" and its understandable yet somewhat disheartening. *sigh*
You know whats weird? I just remembered something that happened to me a while ago. An entire selective school english faculty invited me into their room to hear out the results of a meeting they had to discuss my mark for a creative writing assessment task lol, meeting lasted for quite a while too. I ended up with 10/15, but the fact is, they all had to deliberate for so long HAHA. Idk why even... they told me I dont do enough description, so I began to write more vividly. Looks like I went too far eh?Isn't it better to find out now though, rather than submit it an end up with that as a mark? Your language skills are fine. You just get bogged down in description, and lose track of the present plotline. Both are things you can fix between now and the HSC.
Could be the case.You know whats weird? I just remembered something that happened to me a while ago. An entire selective school english faculty invited me into their room to hear out the results of a meeting they had to discuss my mark for a creative writing assessment task lol, meeting lasted for quite a while too. I ended up with 10/15, but the fact is, they all had to deliberate for so long HAHA. Idk why even... they told me I dont do enough description, so I began to write more vividly. Looks like I went too far eh?
As einstein said, keep everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.Could be the case.
Description is fine as long as it's relevant. If you could cut it from the story without greatly impacting the reader, then it's overboard. Less is best.
everything I write online I publish first on my website, so I'll always have proof I wrote it first, if anyone accuses me of plagiarism of my own work lolThanks for fixing up my creative, I really appreciate it.
Does this mean, its not perfect DUE TO your lack of text, and thus WOULD be perfect if you added some text?I've done a rough cut, using your old ending and the new text:
The recent death of his father had created a firestorm of controversy in the local branch of the KGB.
[Scene at the funeral that drives the plot forward]
Alexei’s mother, Eva, had walked over to him, slowly, but firmly. Her sunken eyes stared deep inside of him. He stared back, and in a moment of clarity felt utter sorrow for this old woman as she spoke.
“Moi syn, your father instructed me to tell you...”
“Ja znayu” he interjected. “I understand. I have known for many years mother”
“He would have wanted you to continue his work”
For all his grandiose physical power, his mind was crippled by doubt and uncertainty.
“I shall see you at home mother. Thank you for everything.” he kissed her cheek. A forced wave of uncertainty.
He strode away rapidly to his Mercedes Benz, resting in wait next to a tall man in grey attire. Nico. An old friend.
“Alexei… my condolences. Are you still planning to go?”
“Yes”
“But your wife”
[Scene where he makes up his mind for certain in the car. The reason to leave his wife and mother]
Alexei ignited the engine and sped off immediately. He heard a shout from his open window, fading into the distance.
“Alexei, brother! I hope you know what you’re doing!” The ghostly words echoed in his mind.
On the other side world, Alexei stepped off his plane into the frosty air in his warm winter jacket.
[quick scene of how he establishes a new life]
Living in the pleasant suburb of Epping, he owned a four story house with a sheer grandeur that shone high above the rest of the houses in Wingrove Avenue. Having a large garden and enormous rooms, the house seemed perfect for raising a family. Living alone in such an enormous house ranked as one of the greater disappointments of his life.
It's nowhere near perfect yet, because I wanted to avoid adding any text where possible. But it's got much more of a narrative: Funeral -> Decision -> New Location -> Regret and focuses on the plot.
And rearranged some text, and changed some details, and deleted some text, and a few more things; of course.Does this mean, its not perfect DUE TO your lack of text, and thus WOULD be perfect if you added some text?![]()
aint it a REALLY bad idea to extend stuff over long time periods? This is pretty concise innit? I made minor changes a second ago, it is legit like, all happening in a couple of hours. Having new life in Sydney and all that doesnt sound like something markers would like....then again i have no idea lol, just recalling what ive heard from so many teachers and peeps, short timeframes are best.I've done a rough cut, using your old ending and the new text:
The recent death of his father had created a firestorm of controversy in the local branch of the KGB.
[Scene at the funeral that drives the plot forward]
Alexei’s mother, Eva, had walked over to him, slowly, but firmly. Her sunken eyes stared deep inside of him. He stared back, and in a moment of clarity felt utter sorrow for this old woman as she spoke.
“Moi syn, your father instructed me to tell you...”
“Ja znayu” he interjected. “I understand. I have known for many years mother”
“He would have wanted you to continue his work”
For all his grandiose physical power, his mind was crippled by doubt and uncertainty.
“I shall see you at home mother. Thank you for everything.” he kissed her cheek. A forced wave of uncertainty.
He strode away rapidly to his Mercedes Benz, resting in wait next to a tall man in grey attire. Nico. An old friend.
“Alexei… my condolences. Are you still planning to go?”
“Yes”
“But your wife”
[Scene where he makes up his mind for certain in the car. The reason to leave his wife and mother]
Alexei ignited the engine and sped off immediately. He heard a shout from his open window, fading into the distance.
“Alexei, brother! I hope you know what you’re doing!” The ghostly words echoed in his mind.
On the other side world, Alexei stepped off his plane into the frosty air in his warm winter jacket.
[quick scene of how he establishes a new life]
Living in the pleasant suburb of Epping, he owned a four story house with a sheer grandeur that shone high above the rest of the houses in Wingrove Avenue. Having a large garden and enormous rooms, the house seemed perfect for raising a family. Living alone in such an enormous house ranked as one of the greater disappointments of his life.
It's nowhere near perfect yet, because I wanted to avoid adding any text where possible. But it's got much more of a narrative: Funeral -> Decision -> New Location -> Regret and focuses on the plot.
The main reason to avoid long timelines is because students start to detail what happened at every stage, which then ends up lacking any sort of depth. Doing it with time jumps, like I proposed, eliminates that problem. They're not inherently bad.aint it a REALLY bad idea to extend stuff over long time periods? This is pretty concise innit? I made minor changes a second ago, it is legit like, all happening in a couple of hours. Having new life in Sydney and all that doesnt sound like something markers would like....then again i have no idea lol, just recalling what ive heard from so many teachers and peeps, short timeframes are best.