A long, long time ago, a man was born in darkest winter, on (or possibly just near) the Solstice. This was a particularly special occasion because his mother had never slept with a man. Though no one could really explain it, it did not go unnoticed. Following a bright star in the east, three kings found the child and adorned him with gifts and praise.
He was an especially smart kid, and he started teaching people how to not be such total dicks to each other all the time when he was only 12 years old. There is no reliable surviving information regarding his life until he turned thirty, when he was baptized and began his ministry, traveling the land followed by twelve disciples before whom he performed many miracles, such as healing the sick and walking on water. He was sorely tempted by a being of incredible evil atop a high mountain rising out of the desert, but resisted this temptation.
Sadly, he was betrayed many years into his ministry, crucified for blasphemy, laid to rest in a tomb, and was three days later resurrected. He lives "in the heavens" to this day, blessing the good people of the earth with his presence if they know where to look for him.
Can anyone guess who I'm talking about?
That's it, you guessed it! Horus, the Egyptian god of the Sun, enemy of Set and bringer of light to this world. You weren't thinking of Horus? Well, it's to be expected, since his life story is so similar to that of Dionysus, also born of a virgin on Dec. 25th, who traveled the lands teaching and performing miracles such as turning water into wine. Known as “the Alpha and Omega,” the “King of Kings,” he was resurrected upon his death as well, so it's easy to see how people mix them up.
No? Again? I guess you must have been thinking of another one of the messianic solar figures. Attis, the Phyrgian god? Mithra, then, of Persia? Adonis, perhaps? What? You were seriously thinking of Jesus? He only showed up 2000 years ago. What a newb.
Hey Christo-Tards, your fairy tales aren't even original. The disciples were plagirists.
