Engineering Jokes (2 Viewers)

[2syllables]

im bor3d might as well post some engineering jokes to lighten this forum:

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke down the door. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.

The instructions on the bottle said:

1. Wet hair
2. Apply shampoo
3. Lather
4. Rinse
5. Repeat

 

[jemsta]

hahaha yeah i lol'ed, especially the graduate with the arts degree

 

[S1M0]

I lol'd a bit. Humerous, but not too funny.

Good though.

 

[watatank]

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

bahahahaha win

 

[sle3pe3bumz]

I lol'd a bit. Humerous, but not too funny.

Good though.

lol same. I feel like a n0ob engineer. =]

 

[2syllables]

lol same. I feel like a n0ob engineer. =]

why?!

 

[2syllables]

here's another joke:

measuring a flag pole

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.

They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc.

A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground where he can measure it easily.

When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We needed to know the height, and he gave us the length!"

 

[2syllables]

Engineer as a Designer of the Human Body

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''

Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.''

The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'' ​

 

[trolloutaface]

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

[sle3pe3bumz]

LOL ! =) i like those ones ..

 

[ObjectsInSpace]

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

*

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

*

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

*

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

*

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[2syllables]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

thats a good one!!!:rofl:

 

[S1M0]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Now thats a good engineering joke!

 

[sle3pe3bumz]

ahahahahaha .. XD i likeee ..

 

[2syllables]

Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

You're sweeter than glucose.

We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

 

[sle3pe3bumz]

LOL ! .. ahah .. oh i'd so fall for those ones ! =D

 

[alcalder]

And some more???

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing
all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else
to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on
the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where
your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing
where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.




Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



And the one I love the best:

If the answer to a question is 12756.364

The mathematician will say it is 12756.36 to 2 decimal places
The scientist will say it is 12756 +/- 0.5

The engineer will say it is about 13000!

 

[2syllables]

one of them was said before...but the first joke isnt too bad

 

[vulgarfraction]

http://www.workjoke.com/projoke27.htm

Huge list, so I won't copy and paste. Also check out mathematicians and physicists on that site. =P

 

[mezza-canuck]

LOL Here's Some More:
_________________________________________________________________
You might be an engineer if . . .

. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.

. . . you enjoy pain.

. . . you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.

. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”

. . . you’ve actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.

. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.

. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”

. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.

. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

. . . you think in “math.”

. . . you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.

. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.

. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger’s Cat Experiment.

. . . you can translate English into Binary.

. . . you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says "Exit.”

. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.

. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.

. . . you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”

. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

. . . you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.

. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.

. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.

. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.

. . . you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it's simply twice as big as it needs to be.
_________________________________________________________________
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532 . 35 cm3 gluten
2. 4 . 9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4 . 9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236 . 6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177 . 45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177 . 45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4 . 9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473 . 2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236 . 6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

_________________________________________________________________

Inaccurate Head Count

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".

The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".

The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."