First three sentences.... (1 Viewer)

[Witrin]

"The yew tree groaned in a wind that augured snow and birds sang in the higher branches to coax Eleanor from her shell of light. An aril fell at her feet and glistened in the dirt: the ruby yew berry was a last lure to linger at the fire. The yew itself was ancient, and its wood appeared to be of the same stone as the temple; from its shade and shelter, Eleanor walked forth into the opaque mist."

Out of context, I actually dislike it. :/ Overall, my major is not postmodern, except for slight intertextuality and magic realism--though I think it's pure fantasy.

I just wonder why like... 99% of all the short stories have to be like that though... nothing bright and happy!

Conflict is king; unhappy stories have obvious conflict. 99% (statistic may not be accurate) of extension 2 writers have not matured their voice, and they know how to be unhappy. Write what you know. There's also the idea that markers like it, which I don't think is true--but I don't think that they expect Year 12s to write like Pratchett/Atwood/Parker, etc.

 

[Shadowdude]

Well, yeah - there can be conflict too but it doesn't mean that the entire story has to be unhappy overall. There can be unhappy bits.

Then again it might just be me wondering why there aren't many more stories like mine which are bright, happy and humourous <_<

 

[samasaurus]

Mine starts with the nursery rhyme "Jack and Jill" but I view that more as a beginning quote. Here's my first three sentences:


“I’m hungry,” whined Jack, fingers scraping along his bare belly. Jill said nothing, because words were not food. Hunger stirred like a whirlpool in her stomach, but the cupboards were empty and the fridge overgrown with mould from last month’s dinner.

 

[UnrealAnchovies]

melancholy is the most interdesting thing eva

 

[meilz92]

Mine starts with the nursery rhyme "Jack and Jill" but I view that more as a beginning quote. Here's my first three sentences:


“I’m hungry,” whined Jack, fingers scraping along his bare belly. Jill said nothing, because words were not food. Hunger stirred like a whirlpool in her stomach, but the cupboards were empty and the fridge overgrown with mould from last month’s dinner.

well if theyre so fucking hungry why didnt they eat last months dinner a month ago before it went off?

 

[Shadowdude]

Personally, I think samasaurus' first three sentences have too much description. First sentence put me off immediately =(

 

[MetalTheory]

"With piercing green eyes, its barbarous message was clear: death. Acid green swirled and flickered in its slanted sockets, independent from the creature but beckoning brutality. Without pupils, it looked as if it saw all."

Nihilistic and post-modern this year? Just when I thought I was doing something original... :/

 

[Shadowdude]

If you look through past EX2 works, you'll find a very good majority of them are nihilistic and post modern.

So I did something original: a happy, feel-good story. That's original in the context of EX2.

 

[samasaurus]

Shadowdude: Ah, well... we all have our personal preferences. I've had nothing but positive remarks from mentors and established writers about my opening scene, so I'm quite confident with it.

 

[Shadowdude]

Shadowdude: Ah, well... we all have our personal preferences. I've had nothing but positive remarks from mentors and established writers about my opening scene, so I'm quite confident with it.

You probably should ask more people to look at your work then =P

Now, I'm not trolling - I did Extension 2 English myself, but I'm saying that that first sentence... didn't really hook me into the story. That's my little comment about it.

That's obviously not be the way your mentors and the 'established writers' thought about that sentence - and that's fair enough for them. You'll probably find the HSC markers will love it.

 

[MisterE]

well if theyre so fucking hungry why didnt they eat last months dinner a month ago before it went off?

True dat.

 

[aheyhey]

There was once a man who was born in Germany, and was for a very long time considered a retard by nearly everyone he knew. When he grew much older, he was eventually praised a genius because he thought very hard, fiddled with some numbers and letters and abstract symbols with a piece of chalk and a chalkboard.


This is not his story.



A bit less poetic than others ... meh

Reminiscent of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams if anyone's read it. But maybe not as funny. My story turned poetic again halfway through ..

 

[aheyhey]

Eh, here we go. They're pretty long sentences.
I look up at the early morning sky above me, tiny smudges of white framing the magnificent indigo, spanning out past the buildings around me and toward the red dawn horizon. A soft breeze picks up, lifting the leaves from the warming sidewalk, blowing them past me. I continue down the street, smiling at the odd person who passes me on my way.

Here's to long sentences!! xD
Everyone's guilty of them from time to time. Must be instinct or something.
Except maybe not for Ernest Hemingway. The bloke's a chronic pruner.
Maybe it only affects EE2 students. Tch. All those essays!

 

[aheyhey]

@Scaredytiger
Dude I wish you read over my major work.
Curious though. What was your major on?

 

[moriarty]

Diogenes glanced at his left forearm. Three in the morning. Time for the Diaspora.