Help - Mark my speech! (1 Viewer)

[imoO]

Hi everyone...yes lol...I do have a physics thing up I need help with as well...dunno if I'm considered SPAM...lol

Anyway...I have a 40 minute in-class speech I HAVE TO WRITE and I just need some help. This is the question -

'You have created an exhibition of the texts entitled 'Explorations of Powerplay'.

This exhibition includes you prescribed text, Antony and Cleopatra, Ozymandias of Egypt, and also 300 the film.

Write your speech for the opening night of the exhibition. In your speech explain how the exhibition represents the complex interplay between people and power.'

This is my speech so far...not sure if I can fit it into 40 minutes yet because I typed it.


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Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank you all for coming tonight to the ‘Explorations of Powerplay’ exhibition. At tonight’s exhibition will find that many texts on powerplay are those of eras before ours. Texts such as Shakespeare’s ‘Antony and Cleopatra’ (1606), the film adaption of Frank Miller’s novel, ‘300’ (2007), and ‘Ozymandias’ written by Percy Shelley (1818)[FONT=&quot],[/FONT] are texts which depict events that happened well before our era. As a French theorist, Michal Foucalt once said, ‘power is not a quality possessed by and individual or government, but rather a social network of relations governed by language’.
Shakespeare depicts Antony as a sign of power, though his own belief of his military prowess and battle analogies, tries to live up to his Roman ideas of honour and glory. In fact, Antony believes that he has so much power; he would spar with Caesars ‘sword against sword/ourselves alone’. A third member of the triumvirate soon leaves this group of three that have immense power, leaving only Antony and Caesar to command.
As much political power as there is between the triumvirates, the thematic concerns are shifted from the struggle for land to the external affairs of Mark Antony to another woman. Caesar and Antony do still contest for political supremacy, but Antony and Cleopatra is the main concern of the play.
It starts off when Antony deserts Octavia (Ceasars’ sister), his future wife, and spends most of his time in Egypt, wooing Egyptian queen, Cleopatra. Cleopatra even shows signs of her own power as when she ‘drunk him to bed, then put my tires and mantles on him’ showing her sexual powerplay over Antony. This infuriates Octavius Ceasar and Caesar demands that Antony come back to Rome or he will wage war while Antony tells Cleopatra ‘Let Rome in Tiber melt’, meaning that he values Cleopatra over his kingship and kingdom. Once again, Cleopatra displays her sexual power which symbolizes Antony’s weakness.
Furthermore, when Cleopatra hears that Antony has married Octavia, she feigns her death and sends messengers to Antony tell him that she has ‘fallen ill’. Enobarbus, Antony best friend has sided with Caesar, and while Antony asks Eros to kill him, Eros kills himself because he cannot do it. Antony then kills himself by falling on his own sword, and Cleopatra commits suicide by allowing a poisonous asp to bite her. This leaves only Caesar in full power and control of the lands.
The film adaptation of Frank Miller’s novel, 300 is a representation of powerplay in the form of wars, kings and traditions. Xerxes, the self proclaimed god who leads the Persian Empire brings messengers to Sparta’s steps with the crowned skulls of dead kings. After listening to what message the messenger brings, he slaughters the messenger screaming “THIS IS SPARTA” symbolizing Sparta and illuminating the power that the Spartan people have although they are smaller than the Persian Empire.
This provokes a war between the Spartans and the Persians, but before they can go to war, King Leonidas, the Spartan leader, must consult the Oracle, a tradition in which is Spartan Law and a tradition of Leonidas cannot defy. After consulting the oracle, he is deemed to not go to war, but Leonidas ignores the Oracle and merely ‘goes for a stroll with 300 personal bodyguards up North to the ‘Hot Gates’, where he planned to meet the Persian army. This symbolizes his own willpower to protect Sparta, showing signs of courage, glory and honour, all of which are Spartan Law
Xerxes makes many offers to Leonidas to surrender to the ‘God’ himself, and this shows that corruption of power can distort vision and as a promise to bring him back down to reality, Leonidas promises that ‘even a God king can bleed’. At the verge of submission, Xerxes orders his army to attack upon them, Leonidas hurls his spear at Xerxes, ripping his cheek and keeping his promise that ‘Even a God king can bleed’.
Shelley’s Ozymandias also is a sonnet that depicts the falling of another king. “My name is Ozymandias, king of kings, Look on my works, ye mighty and despair” depicts the power and leadership he may once have had. “Nothing besides remains” symbolizes that his calls for us to “Look on his works” are contradicted because there is nothing around to look upon. His power may have been upturned and his empire destroyed. The face that his statue still remains is a mystery. “The lone and level sands stretch far away” shows that even the sands may have more ruins than what his kingdom or empire had to offer.
Now that concludes our introduction of only three texts that you will be able to have a look at today...there are many more! Please enjoy your stay at the exhibition and have a good night!


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Feel free to point our any errors large or small...I would like them to be corrected. Grammar, spelling, any thematic concerns etc...


THANK YOU ALL IN ADVANCED!!


imoO

 

[bored of sc]

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank you all for coming tonight to the ‘Explorations of Powerplay’ exhibition. At tonight’s exhibition you will find that many texts on powerplay are those of eras before ours. Texts such as Shakespeare’s ‘Antony and Cleopatra’ (1606), the film adaption of Frank Miller’s novel, ‘300’ (2007), and ‘Ozymandias’ written by Percy Shelley (1818)[FONT=&quot],[/FONT] depict events that happened well before our era. As French theorist, Michal Foucalt once said, ‘power is not a quality possessed by and individual or government, but rather a social network of relations governed by language’.

In Antony and Clepopatra, Shakespeare depicts Antony as a sign (symbol instead of sign perhaps) of power. Through his own belief of military prowess and battle analogies, he tries to live up to Roman ideas of honour and glory. In fact, Antony believes that he has so much power; he would spar with Caesars ‘sword against sword/ourselves alone’. A third member of the triumvirate soon leaves this group of three that have immense power, leaving only Antony and Caesar to command.
As much political power as there is between the triumvirates, the thematic concerns are shifted from the struggle for land to the external affairs of Mark Antony to another woman. Caesar and Antony do still contest for political supremacy, but Antony and Cleopatra is the main concern of the play.
It starts off when Antony deserts Octavia (Ceasars’ sister), his future wife, and spends most of his time in Egypt, wooing the Egyptian queen, Cleopatra. Cleopatra even shows signs of her own power as when she ‘drunk him to bed, then put my tires and mantles on him’ showing her sexual powerplay over Antony. This infuriates Octavius Ceasar and he demands that Antony come back to Rome or he will wage war while Antony tells Cleopatra ‘Let Rome in Tiber melt.’ This shows he values Cleopatra over his kingship and kingdom. Once again, Cleopatra displays her sexual power which brings to light Antony’s weakness.
Furthermore, when Cleopatra hears that Antony has married Octavia, she feigns her death and sends messengers to Antony tell him that she has ‘fallen ill’. Enobarbus, Antony's best friend has sided with Caesar, and while Antony asks Eros to kill him, Eros commits suicide because he cannot do it himself. Antony then kills himself by falling on his sword, and Cleopatra chooses the same fate by allowing a poisonous asp to bite her. This leaves only Caesar in full power and control of the lands.

The film adaptation of Frank Miller’s novel, 300 is a representation of powerplay in the form of wars, kings and traditions. Xerxes, the self proclaimed god who leads the Persian Empire brings messengers to Sparta’s steps with the crowned skulls of dead kings. After listening to the message the messenger brings, he slaughters the messenger screaming “THIS IS SPARTA” symbolising Sparta and illuminating the power the Spartan people have, despite that they are smaller than the Persian Empire.
Xerxes' murder of the messenger provokes a war between the Spartans and the Persians, but before they can go to war, King Leonidas, the Spartan leader, must consult the Oracle, a tradition in which is Spartan Law and a tradition of Leonidas cannot defy. After consulting the oracle, he is commanded to not go to war, but Leonidas ignores the Oracle and merely ‘goes for a stroll with 300 personal bodyguards up North to the ‘Hot Gates’, where he planned to meet the Persian army. This act of defection of the oracle's wisdom symbolizes his own willpower to protect Sparta, showing strong signs of courage, glory and honour, all of which are Spartan Law.
Xerxes makes many offers to Leonidas to surrender to the ‘God’ himself, and this shows that corruption of power can distort vision. As a promise to bring him back down to reality, Leonidas promises that ‘even a God king can bleed’. At the verge of submission, Xerxes orders his army to attack upon them, Leonidas hurls his spear at Xerxes, ripping his cheek and keeping his promise that ‘Even a God king can bleed’.

Shelley’s Ozymandias also is a sonnet that tells the story of the falling of another king. The quote, “My name is Ozymandias, king of kings, Look on my works, ye mighty and despair” reflects the power and leadership he may once have had. “Nothing besides remains” symbolizes that his calls for us to “Look on his works” are contradicted because there is nothing around to look upon. His power may have been upturned and his empire destroyed. The fact that his statue still remains is a mystery. “The lone and level sands stretch far away” shows that even the sands may have more ruins than what his kingdom or empire had to offer.

Now that concludes our introduction of three texts that you will be able to have a look at today...there are many more! Enjoy your stay at the exhibition and have a good night!

Very well written. I've just put a few of my thoughts in there. In bold are words I have added in and I have taken out words I thought weren't needed. Not sure if I've done that good a job though since I haven't read or seen any of the texts in this speech.

 

[imoO]

Hmm...thanks both of you.....let's hope I can remember those....

anyway...does anybody else have any suggestions!!!?

I've still got till Friday to fix anything.

imoO

 

[selablad]

1. Why do you have to do a 40-minute speech?? That's like a whole lesson!
2. That wasn't anywhere near 40 minutes!

I'm sorry. I'm just really confused

 

[Bobness]

Very well written. I've just put a few of my thoughts in there. In bold are words I have added in and I have taken out words I thought weren't needed. Not sure if I've done that good a job though since I haven't read or seen any of the texts in this speech.

OP, you have a very sophisticated understanding of the machinations of 'powerplay' and the links between your texts. Excellent related text choices by the way (Shelley is the ultimate Romanticist).

The only points of advice i could offer you would be:

1) You need far more varied and stronger language techniques. I noticed you overused 'strong' as an adjectival description (which actually does not function as a language device, more narration) and symbolism.

With 'powerplay' especially in the HSC context, you should think about techniques such as high modality (forceful tone), monosyllables (convey authority), plosives (impart an 'explosive' effect) and harsh consonant sounds or long vowel sounds which reflect the dichotomy of subjection under power and expansiveness of this condition.

2) You resort to a bit of narrating of the storyline for the related texts. The additions that bored of sc provided though helpful, were not nearly as in-depth as they could be. I know you need to provide a bit of background to let your teacher know about the texts, but this should be intertwined sophisticatedly with textual analysis as well.

For eg.

When you (incl. bored of sc's additions) say "Shelley’s Ozymandias also is a sonnet that tells the story of the falling of another king."

You could instead think about: "Similarly, Shelley's 'Ozymandias' uses a distinctive sonnet structure to forcefully represent how hubris (a shakespearean trope that could also be used for A&C) catalysed the falling of another king."

Overall, still an excellent speech though.

Re: selablad. I think he means he is writing in the TEXT TYPE of a speech in a 40 min class essay.

 

[imoO]

OP, you have a very sophisticated understanding of the machinations of 'powerplay' and the links between your texts. Excellent related text choices by the way (Shelley is the ultimate Romanticist).

The only points of advice i could offer you would be:

1) You need far more varied and stronger language techniques. I noticed you overused 'strong' as an adjectival description (which actually does not function as a language device, more narration) and symbolism.

With 'powerplay' especially in the HSC context, you should think about techniques such as high modality (forceful tone), monosyllables (convey authority), plosives (impart an 'explosive' effect) and harsh consonant sounds or long vowel sounds which reflect the dichotomy of subjection under power and expansiveness of this condition.

2) You resort to a bit of narrating of the storyline for the related texts. The additions that bored of sc provided though helpful, were not nearly as in-depth as they could be. I know you need to provide a bit of background to let your teacher know about the texts, but this should be intertwined sophisticatedly with textual analysis as well.

For eg.

When you (incl. bored of sc's additions) say "Shelley’s Ozymandias also is a sonnet that tells the story of the falling of another king."

You could instead think about: "Similarly, Shelley's 'Ozymandias' uses a distinctive sonnet structure to forcefully represent how hubris (a shakespearean trope that could also be used for A&C) catalysed the falling of another king."

Overall, still an excellent speech though.

Re: selablad. I think he means he is writing in the TEXT TYPE of a speech in a 40 min class essay.

Great, thanks for your help!!! You too bored of _sc!!!

Is there anything else to be pointed out?

My structure of the speech maybe? I originally thought it was more like an essay than anything....

imoO

 

[-tal-]

1) Instead of depicts, depicts, depicts, use something different - paints, illustrates perhaps?

2) Work on that introduction. It's incredibly template-like. Too constricted.

"Texts such as Shakespeare’s ‘Antony and Cleopatra’ (1606), the film adaption of Frank Miller’s novel, ‘300’ (2007), and ‘Ozymandias’ written by Percy Shelley (1818)[FONT=&quot],[/FONT] depict events that happened well before our era. As French theorist, Michal Foucalt once said, ‘power is not a quality possessed by and individual or government, but rather a social network of relations governed by language’."

Changing the order of these 2 sentences would work better, I think. And then toss in something like, "... these texts resonate with the blah blah blah of human nature, and so influences the responder(s) to conclude that power is a/an [insert explanation here/thesis] "

3) Punctuation and grammar and spelling needs to be fixed up.

There's more, but I'm a little busy atm. Shall get back to this later