How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11) (4 Viewers)

[girlworld_club]

Please post up a sample of one of your best essays, reports, speeches etc. I just want to see how i compare to some of the very talented members of this forum. Must be 2013 graduation, i don't want to be comparing my text to someone in year 12.

I will post up mine soon.

xoxo

 

[RealiseNothing]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

I'll upload one of my speeches from this year.

How do I upload a document from Microsoft word to here?

 

[RealiseNothing]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

Have no clue how to upload this in a file lol, so I just copied and pasted it. It's a speech, and there was stimulus with it, hence why I talk about images.


1)</SPAN></SPAN> Wilfred Owen illustrates his perspectives of war
through poetry. Redundantly, Owen portrays
strong concepts in “Spring Offensive” and “Futility”
alike. His decisive view on the glories of war is
depicted within the unique context of which
Owen bases his compositions on.
Wilfred also displays conceptual notions of time
throughout his poems, and expresses how the
atmosphere of war can influence the measurement
of time. Correspondingly, futility is inferred amongst
all of the creative techniques that structure Owen’s
poems.</SPAN>

2) </SPAN></SPAN>Spring Offensive adequately indulges the audience
in a sense of broken time. Owen exemplifies that
the tension and anxiety fashioned by war inevitably
affects the soldiers’ experience of time. He defines
that there is only now and forever, which encourages
the idea that life is mortal, whilst death is eternal.
“Instantly the whole sky burned” and
“The few who rushed in body to enter hell”
reinforce that action on the battlefield lasts only an
instant. Owen uses metaphorical language and
interpretations to construct unmistaken imagery
of the realities of war. </SPAN>

3) </SPAN></SPAN>This representation is paradoxically contrasted with
“Hour after hour they ponder the warm field” and
“Crawling slowly back”, which symbolise that waiting
for the devastating outcome is an eternity. Owen
uses repetition of the word ‘hour’ to embed the
view that the interval before confronting your doom</SPAN>
is ceaseless. Such repetition creates apprehension
about the situation. My chosen symbol of a numberless
clock reinstates that time is immeasurable and
discontinuous in a battle zone, and that you may
never see the end of the day.
Wilfred Owen also pressures his personal opinion that
war should not be glorified on the audience in Spring
Offensive. War is inhumane and in no distinct way
should it be celebrated nor should the participants
be admired for their so called heroism. Dynamically,</SPAN>




4) </SPAN></SPAN>Owen’s beliefs render war as being an antagonist
versus antagonist encounter, where loss of life
should be ridiculed and scorned instead of
acknowledged and eminent. “Long-famous glories,
immemorial shames” perpetuates Owen’s ideology.
He utilises assonance with the echoing ‘o’ and ‘or’
sounds to establish a smooth flow amid the
complex statement to ensure that his message
is dissolved inside the audience’s conscience. </SPAN>

5) </SPAN></SPAN>“Long-famous glories” also demonstrates irony
to provide an evidential approach to the perks
of war; or lack thereof. This quote reiterates
the general consensus that soldiers are glorified,
but rhetorically undermines this popular belief
by implying that these soldiers are actually
unknown, and thus do not receive any glory from
the public. Owen then goes on to manipulate
imagery and produces a contrasting delusion of
war – one where armies of comrades congregate
and charge at their enemies annihilating them
heroically, similar to the Spartans.

6) </SPAN></SPAN>“So, soon they topped the hill, and raced together”.
The symbolic image I present of people gathering
around a table partaking in the dreaded Russian
roulette analogises war, and the certainty that
someone will die, but it is solely up to chance and
probability to determine who that individual is.
The connection between the two is that you
would not glorify Russian roulette, so why
glorify and praise war when both exist upon
the exact same underlying principle of chance
and sheer luck.</SPAN>


7) </SPAN></SPAN>The poem, Futility, displays ironically the futility
that war generates for everyone involved,
whether it be directly or indirectly. Owen
conveys the proposition that war is utterly
pointless and unquestionably unnecessary
to function as a global society. This emotion
is evident immediately from the title of the
poem – “Futility”. “O what made fatuous
sunbeams toil? To break earth’s sleep at all?”
resurrects the idea of futility in the last two
lines of the poem. Owen is questioning
what motives the sun has to wake up the

8) </SPAN></SPAN>Earth and everything inhabiting it, only for
us to destroy ourselves in malicious, ignorant
war. He conducts this manner by personifying
the sun as being a God, and therefore
restricting the deterministic nature of night
and day. Instead, only by will of the sun do
we wake up in the morning. Repetition of the
word “woke” also contributes to the hopelessness
array of the poem. The picture of a lion reaching
for the moon, obviously without any success,
epitomises futility. The lion is fighting an
unwinnable battle against gravity, which

9) </SPAN>enhances the concept that war is a losing
battle, no matter which side you’re on.
Conclusively, Wilfred Owen was a modest
poet who was undeniably passionate about
his hobby. Spring Offensive and Futility are
masterpieces which showcase his natural
ability, as well as decipher his covert
philosophies on the travesties of war.</SPAN>

 

[Eg155]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

damn. good speech right there ^
We did Owen too, but we had to write a 5 pg essay -.-
Would've rathered a speech text type. Teachers and essays grr...

 

[Sy123]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

After hearing that I needed to work on my style for essays, from my awesome English teacher, I decided to make my own question and answer in the most sophisticated way possible. This is quite biased though so I apologise if anyone gets offended. (WARNING THIS IS QUITE BIG)
Here it is:

"Human beings are an intelligent species of life""

Do you agree with this statement?

Thus it is my view that we as human-beings are not as intelligent as we think we may be. It can be clearly seen that we as a species have gone further than any other in terms of knowledge, of how our Earth works, and things such as space exploration and uncovering the deepest mysteries of our universe, or at least we think we do. For in essence, from a rationalists point of view one could argue that the purpose of a species is to survive. But the question remains, are we surviving.

In basic essence, human life have been nothing but detrimental and hindering to ecosystems and planet Earth itself. Human-beings are the only organism that can be removed from plant Earth and have the ecosystems of the world, keep thriving, in actuality the biology of Earth would improve with our absence. For even if a house fly was removed from an ecosystem, it would remove a food source for many other insects and animals, to which they die, and other animals lose their food source, and so on, until one ecosystem can be entirely crippled with such a removal

The reason why we are detrimental to our plant Earth is that ecologically we are useless, no organism uses us as a food source nor do we help keep other organisms thriving, an exception can be drawn from conservationists, but even then, it is from human impact, that conservationists are needed in the first place. This is referring to products such as endangered animals, due to actions such as poaching and killing elephants for financial gain, and the carbon pollution that is spewed from nearly everything we do. The carbon pollution we emit, can trigger an enhanced greenhouse effect, leading to an overall climate change for the Earth. The warming of the glove can and will increase the temperature of the water, and even a slight increase in water temperature that is out of the norm can destroy countless oral in the Great Barrier Reef. Global warming will cause more droughts which can devastate our farms, which contains half the products we eat. Global warming will cause a rise in skin cancer due to the UV radiation not being blocked efficiently due to the hole in the ozone layers around the world, which most of them, have been caused by humans. Climate change will destroy our Earth at the very extreme. As for poaching, it is done by humans, and therefore because of humans, the population of elephants is on the endangered list, the same situation exists for the turtle, panda, bear species among many other types of animals. It is through these that humanity hinders our ecosystem and the Earth's ecosystem

Again taking perspective from a rationalist, that a species purpose is to survive. Considering the fact that what we develop, creates an express bridge to our species demise, that, in those terms is not a very intelligent species. For in comparison, a salt-water crocodile has been on this Earth, in the same form, since the dinosaur era, a crocodile species clearly knows how to survive, as it has done so for over a hundred million years. And taking from the above terms, the crocodiles are an intelligent species

For animals, animals of the same type, but different species, such as a salt-water crocodile and a fresh-water crocodile do not, from observation fight with each other, unless it involves territory, which in that case can be a squabble between the same species, let alone a different species. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for humans, as racial disputes happen a lot of the time, and are in areas engraved into history. For example one could argue that for the medieval ages, until about the 19-20th century, Europe and more specifically Britain were very discriminative. For example even in the medieval ages, Jews were treated like dirt, Muslims were thought of barbarians, and dark skinned people were the most discriminated against, as they were treated to slave labour and were abused. However this does not count women, for women of all races were discriminated against, and still remains the notion that one person is better than another, because they are of a certain religion, or certain gender etc. All of this was seen as normal in the medieval ages. However when Britain came to Australia, they arrogantly claimed the land 'Terra-nullius' and so lay waste to the vast land of Australia, introducing harmful animals, pests, diseases etc.. They massacred and destroyed the Aboriginal population, and even when Australia after its federation in 1901 still practised the discrimination, with paternalistic attitudes towards Aborigines with protection policy after protection policy, which were designed to protect the Aborigines from 'themselves'. Such policies led to children being taken from their families to live a white way, because it was under the assumption that the British way of life was superior and was the best. The point is the fascist ideas that exist within the human race, do not exist anything else. For even animals of totally different species work together to survive, such as in the ocean, the cleaner fish which provides assistance to other fish, everything works together for harmony for the sake of surviving, humans have not yet achieved this stance.

There is a general argument however that, humanity has changed and that the modern 21st century is not like the past. That is true, however only in the respect that racial discrimination was practised openly in the past, in actuality in rare cases it still is practised openly, however subtle biases (in a bad way) towards a race is still practised, subtly through the media, and even politicians, our public still generally expresses some sort of racial discrimination, which proves how irrational human beings are, where everyone has the power to help other people, yet sit comfortably in their chairs.

Therefore it can be seen that our society from as early as the middle ages and even further back, humans generally have been biased in a bad way to other races for no particular reason, as irrational as that is, the fact that we should be the most intelligent as we are the only species with a gap between the stimulus and response, yet we are more irrational and detrimental than a crocodile, who has no gap between the stimulus and response. On the assumption that a species purpose is to survive, we as a species are not achieving such a goal

If humans had intelligence instead of investing billions upon billions of dollars into war, and into things that are pointless to a human being's survival such as space exploration. But that is the problem with humans, we have complex, many layered minds, so we can store countless bits of knowledge, yet in the end everyone thinks that they are right, it seems that though we do have such incredible minds, we as a human race lack the intelligence to use such vast amounts of knowledge effectively




There we go I hope you liked it, please give me criticism, (preferably on the style of the essay)
Again I hope no one was offended by the essay, I assure you it was not my intention

 

[RealiseNothing]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

That's a really good argument- fixed structure and strong points.

One thing I would do though, is try to avoid repetition of the same word. For example in this paragraph "however" is used too many times in my opinion.

"There is a general argument however that, humanity has changed and that the modern 21st century is not like the past. That is true, however only in the respect that racial discrimination was practised openly in the past, in actuality in rare cases it still is practised openly, however subtle biases (in a bad way) towards a race is still practised, subtly through the media, and even politicians, our public still generally expresses some sort of racial discrimination, which proves how irrational human beings are, where everyone has the power to help other people, yet sit comfortably in their chairs."

"However" should be used to argue two views, and using it 3 times in one paragraph just doesn't emphasise one single point that you are trying to make(or trying to contrast), it rather just outlines a few points without going into great detail.


Also from your third paragraph:

"As for poaching, it is done by humans, and therefore because of humans, the population of elephants is on the endangered list, the same situation exists for the turtle, panda, bear species among many other types of animals. It is through these that humanity hinders our ecosystem and the Earth's ecosystem"

Still with the theme of repetition, but from a different angle this time lol. The last sentence, you can rewrite as:
"It is through these that humanity hinders our, and the Earth's, ecosystem."
By structuring the sentence this way, you avoid having to say ecosystem twice within a few words of eachother and it looks and reads more smoothly.

They're just a few things I do when writing essays, in my opinion it makes your response tidy and sustains a flow throughout the composition.

 

[OH1995]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

First Essay:

The hostile influence of modern society permeates itself into the lifestyle of the common man often subverting his individuality. Dawes’ poetry explores the struggle to maintain ones sense of self in a context that seeks to extinguish difference and encourage conformity. However Dawe also comments on the ability of an individual to transcend social boundaries which previously inhibited ones development of spirituality and personal identity. In ‘Enter without so much as knocking’, Dawe prompts an investigation into the factors that discourage individuality in modern culture. Whilst in ‘And a Good Friday Was Had by All’, he examines the potential for the awakening of a nebulous spiritual dimension within the common man. Fundamentally, the experiences of the common man within society portray a sense of conformity, whilst also presenting infrequent moments of self discovery and realisation.

Dawe expresses concern about mans struggle to achieve individuality and distinctiveness in a world that seeks to homogenise humanity through external factors. In ‘Enter without so much as knocking’, the hostile influences of commercialism and greed play and important role in inhibiting ones ability to be an individual. Throughout the life of the individual these ideas are persistently being forced on the individual. From birth the “first thing he heard was Bobby Dazzler on Channel 7”, to death in which “everyone was pleased” at the great job the morticians did with the appearance of the dead body, emphasising societies obsession with the superficial. These hostile influences of greed and excess consumerism manifest themselves into a social construct which all families must fill known as “the set-up.” The influences from the consumer culture are presented as advertising jargon throughout, whilst undue attention is payed to consumer items and their value “£495 dep. At Reno’s.” Whilst in “And a Good Friday Was Had by All” the individuals identity is stripped from him by orders from higher powers within Roman society. Due to the nature of their occupation as soldiers within the roman empire, they are forced to do their job without argument almost in a mindless fashion because “your mind’s not your own once you sign that dotted line Ave Caesar.” Both texts portray a society which imposes hostile values on the individual, ultimately forcing them to lose their sense of individuality which has a profound effect on the individual.

Ones struggle to maintain individuality and distinctiveness within society is often difficult, frequently causing the individual to become influenced by the factors which inhibit the formation of personal identity. Dawe’s “Enter Without So Much As Knocking” exhibits the individual being indoctrinated into a highly commercialised world in which the influences from society force the individual to accept a life of conformity. A consumer culture is set up throughout the poem that forces people to comply and adapt to the commercial and homogenous nature of society. The instructions “Walk. Don’t Walk. Turn Left. No Parking. Wait Here” convey this great sense of conformity in which society plays the most significant role in subverting ones individuality and swapping it for a person that fits into societies predetermined social construct of “one economy sized Mum....two other kids straight of the Junior Department rack.” Moreover the influences from society eventually turn the individual into someone who is “like every other godless money-hungry back-stabbing miserable so-and-so.” A person who is a product of societies values and toxic influences that have played a significant role in shaping the individuals identity their whole life. Similarly in “And a Good Friday Was Had by All” the ideology of the Roman context forces the soldier to complete tasks that he does not feel comfortable doing. It is simply however the hostile influences from the social hierarchy that subvert individual decision making and encourage mindless conformity. All the soldier can say is “orders is orders” as he hammers the nails in “not looking on the downswing.” Further reinforcing the extent to which the orders given to him govern the actions taken in his life. Both texts portray a hostile society that seeks to discourage individuality and demand conformity, but alternatively they also explore the ability of an individual to experience brief moments of a spiritual dimension, detached from the everyday context.

Dawe considers the individuals ability to transcend social boundaries which previously inhibited the common mans ability to maintain ones individuality in a context that seeks to oppose distinctiveness. In “Enter Without So Much As Knocking” this idea is explored through the juxtaposition of a superficial reality and a calm spiritual dimension. The individual is subjected to a world in which the influences from society govern every action in his life, so when he gets is chance to see “a pure unadulterated fringe of sky, littered with stars” it is “what he enjoyed most.” This gives him the chance to reflect on a world free of hostile influences of commercialism and greed giving him the capacity to focus on things with a deeper meaning and not simply the superficial. However in “And a Good Friday Was Had by All”, Dawe more explicitly presents a scenario in which the individual experiences a deep spiritual awakening. The religious references throughout the poem such as “God Almighty”, gives the responder the understanding that this crucifixion is different to any other. The soldier has chosen to single out this particular experience because it is above the ordinary, for just as they hoist him up by the ropes his arms spread “like a diver leaving the springboard” and he is transformed into the saviour of the world. The impact of the crucifixion is so profound that it even reduces a blind man to tears. Furthering the presence of a spiritual dimension present in both of Dawes poems.

Dawes poetry ultimately prompts a revaluation of the social hierarchy that governs individuals actions within a modern context. The struggle for the common man to maintain a sense of individuality is becoming forever harder in a world whose hostility towards diversity is detrimental to the spiritual and unique personal development of the modern man.

 

[OH1995]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

2nd Essay:


A comparative study of Shakespeare's ‘Macbeth’ and Raimi’s ‘A Simple Plan’ provides an insight into the corruptibility of human nature through means of excess greed and ambition. To this effect both texts highlight the particular forces that drive the paradox of human nature and suggest that ones conscience can be influenced by outside driving forces when making the crucial decision between good and evil. The corruption of the individuals in both texts leads to their eventual demise as they are overpowered by guilt and power.
Shakespeare’s narrative of an individual tempted by fate within a superstitious context explores the way which external forces do not create but elicit an underlying ambition within the protagonist. Ramie too explores such influences but does so in a 20th century context using the motivation of wealth and the American Dream to drive the protagonist. Despite their different contexts both texts explore an individuals susceptibility to corruption and one desire to fulfil ambition.

The equal capacity within humans to choose between good and evil can be corrupted by outside influences. The fragility of this balance between these two opposed forces, as well as the way that good can be rendered subordinate to evil is evident in Macbeth through the charting of the characters. Macbeth a once virtuous and brave nobleman gradually becomes a tyrant as he is driven by an unquenchable ambition for power. Such a shift in character is not autonomous, nor is it spontaneously created. Rather it is the external forces outside of Macbeth’s control embodied by the Lady Macbeth and the Witches that elicit this change in Macbeth. Macbeth’s decision to ultimately kill the king and commit regicide are born from the outside influences of Lady Macbeth and the Witches prophecy, further reinforcing the corruptibility of the human condition. This corruptibility is evident in Macbeth’s divergence from his initial good “proceed no further in this business” after consulting with Lady Macbeth. The decision to kill King Duncan is a significant point of the play in which evil prevails of good, further entrenching itself into the psyche of Macbeth, leading to the myriad of evil and death awaiting him as he struggles to fulfil his ambition. Shakespeare has further been able to highlight the corruption of the protagonist by juxtaposing him with Banquo, a man who was early on established as equal in stature and nobility. After the hearing of the witches prophecy Banquo openly rejects the news and continues to uphold a sense of morality throughout the play until he is murdered at the hands of the tyrant Macbeth. It is these outside influences that have corrupted some humans whilst others such as Banquo were able to remain strong.

The capacity for human corruption is similarly portrayed in Raimi’s A Simple Plan. The story follows the gradual demise of a protagonist whose temptation and desire is driven by excessive greed for wealth one of the hallmarks of ‘the American dream’. This text explores the potential for corruption of contentment as Hank openly states at the beginning of the film the he has everything a man needs “A good job, a nice home and a wife that loves me”. Similarly to Macbeth, Hank also has to choose between good and evil when he is faced with the choice of immense wealth and pressure from external factors such as Jacob, Lou and later Sarah. Ultimately Hank chooses evil, which leads to the realisation of the dangers that come with excess greed and ambition. Both texts exhibit the role of human corruptibility to some extent but it is also the contexts that define how they portray this to the audience.

Context within both texts decides the external factors that influence the protagonists, whilst also changing the social dogma and moral punishments that are presented in both texts. Shakespeare’s Macbeth was written within the constraints of an Elizabethan context in which the supernatural were considered to be a very real force that was constantly involved in the lives of everyday people. The concept of royal hegemony in England at the time dominated the mindset of ordinary individuals and the idea of the great chain of being was an important part of the social ideology, that prevented individuals questioning the views of the orthodox church. As such society possessed strong views on the difference between good and evil, as they were clearly defined by the ruling authorities. Alternatively modern 20th century society focus more on the ethical implications of ones actions rather than the religious belief in divine judgement. Macbeth therefore is influenced most strongly by the witches into realising his brooding ambition for power, as the supernatural were understood to have a very tangible influence over peoples lives in the Elizabethan time period. Macbeth’s choice between good and evil when presented with the decision by the witches shows a clear defiance of his moral conscience which was so very defined as to what was considered to be good and evil. “To know by deed t’wer best not know myself” highlighting the disgust he has of himself for undertaking regicide. The issue of guilt and punishment is similarly dealt with on a very dependant contextual basis. Within the Elizabethan context Macbeth is consistently plagued by guilt for his actions throughout the play. This guilt manifests itself in visions and sleeplessness, such as the ghost of Banquo that appears to haunt Macbeth at the banquet and the dripping dagger that appears within Macbeths dreams before he kills the king, “unfix my hair and make my seated heart knock at my ribs”. Eventually the excessive sense of ambition led to his demise, with the certainty if eternal damnation. These feelings of guilt are again born from a very accurate moral compass and clarity of mind that obsess over his own corrupt nature. It is this guilt that eventually changes the way macbeth views life with his tomorrow and tomorrow speech in Act 5, as he realises the futility of humanism.
In Raimi’s A Simple Plan however, within a modern context, the money acts as a window into what could be attained if he chose to take the money and fulfill his ambition that is ignited by the money. Hank is driven by the wondrous idealism of the modern “American Dream” and see’s this immense wealth as a way of obtaining his desire. Hank is of an age where thinking is discouraged within society and moral questions are rarely questioned or talked about within social realms. This ultimately drives a society that has a nebulous moral compass and an unclearly defined view of what is right and wrong. It is in this way that Hank has a thought process that is in no way as clear or consistent as that of Macbeth further more introducing the potential for mitigating factors directed towards Hank rather than Macbeth because of the fact that these acts aren’t entirely selfish, but rather done for the greater good of his family, furthermore portraying the potential for corruptibility of the everyman in a situation that does not appear at first to be harmful to any other people.

The driving forces behind the ambition and greed of the protagonists are also adaptive to issues of context, with the different tactics used by both Lady Macbeth and Sarah different varying by context and situational instances.
Sarah uses the greater good of the family as a reason to take the money and employs guilt.
Whilst lady Macbeth, questions Macbeths bravery and manliness. “I dare do all that may become a man, who dares do more is none.”

Ultimately both Raimi an Shakespeare highlight the corruptibility of the human condition. Whilst Shakespeare proposes that inherent evil is awakened by external influences outside of ones control, Raimi furthers this notion suggesting that the dominant forces fordictate ones actions, therefore highlighting the ultimate corruptability.

 

[OH1995]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

Please don't go all grammar nazi on me by the way, they're a first draft. I haven't proof read them so they probably sound horrible to read.

 

[Sy123]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

That's a really good argument- fixed structure and strong points.

One thing I would do though, is try to avoid repetition of the same word. For example in this paragraph "however" is used too many times in my opinion.

"There is a general argument however that, humanity has changed and that the modern 21st century is not like the past. That is true, however only in the respect that racial discrimination was practised openly in the past, in actuality in rare cases it still is practised openly, however subtle biases (in a bad way) towards a race is still practised, subtly through the media, and even politicians, our public still generally expresses some sort of racial discrimination, which proves how irrational human beings are, where everyone has the power to help other people, yet sit comfortably in their chairs."

"However" should be used to argue two views, and using it 3 times in one paragraph just doesn't emphasise one single point that you are trying to make(or trying to contrast), it rather just outlines a few points without going into great detail.


Also from your third paragraph:

"As for poaching, it is done by humans, and therefore because of humans, the population of elephants is on the endangered list, the same situation exists for the turtle, panda, bear species among many other types of animals. It is through these that humanity hinders our ecosystem and the Earth's ecosystem"

Still with the theme of repetition, but from a different angle this time lol. The last sentence, you can rewrite as:
"It is through these that humanity hinders our, and the Earth's, ecosystem."
By structuring the sentence this way, you avoid having to say ecosystem twice within a few words of eachother and it looks and reads more smoothly.

They're just a few things I do when writing essays, in my opinion it makes your response tidy and sustains a flow throughout the composition.

Wow thank you very much for the criticism, it really has improved my syntax, something my teacher said I need to work on

 

[95-Plus]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

Editted due to wrong subject

 

[wildchild666]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

I've deleted most of the work that I did this year, but I managed to find the draft of a speech that I presented in term 1. I will include it in this post shortly.

EDIT: Here it is. It's a speech on how "Changing Perspectives" is reflected in the novel "Looking For Alibrandi".

"Changing perspectives is a dominant concept in the novel “Looking for Alibrandi” by Melina Marchetta. The novel focuses on a third generation Italian Australian, Josephine Alibrandi, and her journey through her final year of high school. It is a year which marks many changes in her life; predominantly within her family, school, and most notably, within her own identity. Throughout the novel, Josie gradually learns to embrace these changes in aspects of her life which initially embarrass her. Marchetta highlights this dramatic metamorphosis through literary techniques; including first-person narration, symbolism, extensive dialogue, and descriptive, emotive language; all of which serve to convey a deeper understanding of Josephine’s changing perspectives.

In particular, Josie’s opinion of her family’s Italian background gradually matures from embarrassment to acceptance. This is illustrated through her recognition of family traditions such as “tomato day”, the family’s annual ritual of making tomato sauce, and also through the acceptance of her own grandmother; a figure who essentially symbolises her Italian ethnicity. “Like all tomato days we had spaghetti that night. Made by our own hands. A tradition that we’ll never let go. A tradition that I will probably never let go either, simply because like religion, culture is nailed into you so deep you can't escape it. No matter how far you run.” Initially, Josephine feels that these Italian traditions are stifling her identity; that they are preventing her from being her true self. The use of first person narration and emotive language allows us to intimately experience these overwhelming feelings of being trapped, as if Josie were actually speaking to us personally. “I’ll run one day. Run for my life. To be free and think for myself. Not as an Australian and not as an Italian and not as an in-between. I’ll run to be emancipated.” Through Marchetta’s use of repetition of “and not”, a greater emphasis has been placed on Josephine’s emotions, whereby there is a sense of longing for when she will be free of these challenges. Later in the novel, however, we see a change in this perception, as Josie learns more about her background through her grandmother. She comes to accept her Italian ethnicity, deciding that “you can’t hate what you are a part of”, and finally comes to terms with who she really is.

In addition to the theme of identity, Josephine feels that her appearance and ethnic background are the determining factors in her social acceptance. She believes that she is looked down upon by her peers because she is at a wealthy school on a scholarship. “My emancipation didn’t happen like I expected it to”, Josephine says. Josephine’s emancipation evolved from her changing perspective towards her social standing among her peers within her school, St. Martha’s. When Josephine is informed by her teacher, Sister Louise, that she is elected vice captain, she states, “I knew deep down that I was wrong and I think that my emancipation began at that moment.” She overcomes this personal challenge of social acceptance, and comes to recognise that she is actually one of the most popular girls at school.

In conclusion, changing perspectives is a dominant concept in “Looking for Alibrandi”. Josephine’s personal view of her Italian background undergoes a significant transformation throughout the novel, and the idea of change is also highlighted in her time at school. Through the utilisation of literary techniques including first-person narration, symbolism, dialogue and descriptive, emotive language, Melina Marchetta is able to provide a better understanding of Josephine Alibrandi’s changing perspectives."

Any (constructive) criticism is greatly appreciated.

 

[RealiseNothing]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

^^^(I don't want to quote all that)

For your opening sentence, introduce the main concept you are discussing(in this case changing perspectives), by a quick statement about how that issue impacts on our current society. It just informs the reader of the context of the novel and allows them to link the book to the real world. Linking the novel to the real world every now and again is also a pretty good technique to use.

 

[wildchild666]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

Thanks for the crit! Will try include all that in future assessments!

 

[mirakon]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

First Essay:

The hostile influence of modern society permeates itself into the lifestyle of the common man often subverting his individuality. Dawes’ poetry explores the struggle to maintain ones sense of self in a context that seeks to extinguish difference and encourage conformity. However Dawe also comments on the ability of an individual to transcend social boundaries which previously inhibited ones development of spirituality and personal identity. In ‘Enter without so much as knocking’, Dawe prompts an investigation into the factors that discourage individuality in modern culture. Whilst in ‘And a Good Friday Was Had by All’, he examines the potential for the awakening of a nebulous spiritual dimension within the common man. Fundamentally, the experiences of the common man within society portray a sense of conformity, whilst also presenting infrequent moments of self discovery and realisation.

Dawe expresses concern about mans struggle to achieve individuality and distinctiveness in a world that seeks to homogenise humanity through external factors. In ‘Enter without so much as knocking’, the hostile influences of commercialism and greed play and important role in inhibiting ones ability to be an individual. Throughout the life of the individual these ideas are persistently being forced on the individual. From birth the “first thing he heard was Bobby Dazzler on Channel 7”, to death in which “everyone was pleased” at the great job the morticians did with the appearance of the dead body, emphasising societies obsession with the superficial. These hostile influences of greed and excess consumerism manifest themselves into a social construct which all families must fill known as “the set-up.” The influences from the consumer culture are presented as advertising jargon throughout, whilst undue attention is payed to consumer items and their value “£495 dep. At Reno’s.” Whilst in “And a Good Friday Was Had by All” the individuals identity is stripped from him by orders from higher powers within Roman society. Due to the nature of their occupation as soldiers within the roman empire, they are forced to do their job without argument almost in a mindless fashion because “your mind’s not your own once you sign that dotted line Ave Caesar.” Both texts portray a society which imposes hostile values on the individual, ultimately forcing them to lose their sense of individuality which has a profound effect on the individual.

Ones struggle to maintain individuality and distinctiveness within society is often difficult, frequently causing the individual to become influenced by the factors which inhibit the formation of personal identity. Dawe’s “Enter Without So Much As Knocking” exhibits the individual being indoctrinated into a highly commercialised world in which the influences from society force the individual to accept a life of conformity. A consumer culture is set up throughout the poem that forces people to comply and adapt to the commercial and homogenous nature of society. The instructions “Walk. Don’t Walk. Turn Left. No Parking. Wait Here” convey this great sense of conformity in which society plays the most significant role in subverting ones individuality and swapping it for a person that fits into societies predetermined social construct of “one economy sized Mum....two other kids straight of the Junior Department rack.” Moreover the influences from society eventually turn the individual into someone who is “like every other godless money-hungry back-stabbing miserable so-and-so.” A person who is a product of societies values and toxic influences that have played a significant role in shaping the individuals identity their whole life. Similarly in “And a Good Friday Was Had by All” the ideology of the Roman context forces the soldier to complete tasks that he does not feel comfortable doing. It is simply however the hostile influences from the social hierarchy that subvert individual decision making and encourage mindless conformity. All the soldier can say is “orders is orders” as he hammers the nails in “not looking on the downswing.” Further reinforcing the extent to which the orders given to him govern the actions taken in his life. Both texts portray a hostile society that seeks to discourage individuality and demand conformity, but alternatively they also explore the ability of an individual to experience brief moments of a spiritual dimension, detached from the everyday context.

Dawe considers the individuals ability to transcend social boundaries which previously inhibited the common mans ability to maintain ones individuality in a context that seeks to oppose distinctiveness. In “Enter Without So Much As Knocking” this idea is explored through the juxtaposition of a superficial reality and a calm spiritual dimension. The individual is subjected to a world in which the influences from society govern every action in his life, so when he gets is chance to see “a pure unadulterated fringe of sky, littered with stars” it is “what he enjoyed most.” This gives him the chance to reflect on a world free of hostile influences of commercialism and greed giving him the capacity to focus on things with a deeper meaning and not simply the superficial. However in “And a Good Friday Was Had by All”, Dawe more explicitly presents a scenario in which the individual experiences a deep spiritual awakening. The religious references throughout the poem such as “God Almighty”, gives the responder the understanding that this crucifixion is different to any other. The soldier has chosen to single out this particular experience because it is above the ordinary, for just as they hoist him up by the ropes his arms spread “like a diver leaving the springboard” and he is transformed into the saviour of the world. The impact of the crucifixion is so profound that it even reduces a blind man to tears. Furthering the presence of a spiritual dimension present in both of Dawes poems.

Dawes poetry ultimately prompts a revaluation of the social hierarchy that governs individuals actions within a modern context. The struggle for the common man to maintain a sense of individuality is becoming forever harder in a world whose hostility towards diversity is detrimental to the spiritual and unique personal development of the modern man.

is this actually yours? even then, apart from the sophistication, i personally don't like it. The best essays are more than a conglomeration of massive words, they're the ones that get straight to the point and are concise yet dense.

 

[ZombieApocalypse]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

Have no clue how to upload this in a file lol, so I just copied and pasted it. It's a speech, and there was stimulus with it, hence why I talk about images.


1)</SPAN></SPAN> Wilfred Owen illustrates his perspectives of war
through poetry. Redundantly, Owen portrays
strong concepts in “Spring Offensive” and “Futility”
alike. His decisive view on the glories of war is
depicted within the unique context of which
Owen bases his compositions on.
Wilfred also displays conceptual notions of time
throughout his poems, and expresses how the
atmosphere of war can influence the measurement
of time. Correspondingly, futility is inferred amongst
all of the creative techniques that structure Owen’s
poems.</SPAN>

2) </SPAN></SPAN>Spring Offensive adequately indulges the audience
in a sense of broken time. Owen exemplifies that
the tension and anxiety fashioned by war inevitably
affects the soldiers’ experience of time. He defines
that there is only now and forever, which encourages
the idea that life is mortal, whilst death is eternal.
“Instantly the whole sky burned” and
“The few who rushed in body to enter hell”
reinforce that action on the battlefield lasts only an
instant. Owen uses metaphorical language and
interpretations to construct unmistaken imagery
of the realities of war. </SPAN>

3) </SPAN></SPAN>This representation is paradoxically contrasted with
“Hour after hour they ponder the warm field” and
“Crawling slowly back”, which symbolise that waiting
for the devastating outcome is an eternity. Owen
uses repetition of the word ‘hour’ to embed the
view that the interval before confronting your doom</SPAN>
is ceaseless. Such repetition creates apprehension
about the situation. My chosen symbol of a numberless
clock reinstates that time is immeasurable and
discontinuous in a battle zone, and that you may
never see the end of the day.
Wilfred Owen also pressures his personal opinion that
war should not be glorified on the audience in Spring
Offensive. War is inhumane and in no distinct way
should it be celebrated nor should the participants
be admired for their so called heroism. Dynamically,</SPAN>




4) </SPAN></SPAN>Owen’s beliefs render war as being an antagonist
versus antagonist encounter, where loss of life
should be ridiculed and scorned instead of
acknowledged and eminent. “Long-famous glories,
immemorial shames” perpetuates Owen’s ideology.
He utilises assonance with the echoing ‘o’ and ‘or’
sounds to establish a smooth flow amid the
complex statement to ensure that his message
is dissolved inside the audience’s conscience. </SPAN>

5) </SPAN></SPAN>“Long-famous glories” also demonstrates irony
to provide an evidential approach to the perks
of war; or lack thereof. This quote reiterates
the general consensus that soldiers are glorified,
but rhetorically undermines this popular belief
by implying that these soldiers are actually
unknown, and thus do not receive any glory from
the public. Owen then goes on to manipulate
imagery and produces a contrasting delusion of
war – one where armies of comrades congregate
and charge at their enemies annihilating them
heroically, similar to the Spartans.

6) </SPAN></SPAN>“So, soon they topped the hill, and raced together”.
The symbolic image I present of people gathering
around a table partaking in the dreaded Russian
roulette analogises war, and the certainty that
someone will die, but it is solely up to chance and
probability to determine who that individual is.
The connection between the two is that you
would not glorify Russian roulette, so why
glorify and praise war when both exist upon
the exact same underlying principle of chance
and sheer luck.</SPAN>


7) </SPAN></SPAN>The poem, Futility, displays ironically the futility
that war generates for everyone involved,
whether it be directly or indirectly. Owen
conveys the proposition that war is utterly
pointless and unquestionably unnecessary
to function as a global society. This emotion
is evident immediately from the title of the
poem – “Futility”. “O what made fatuous
sunbeams toil? To break earth’s sleep at all?”
resurrects the idea of futility in the last two
lines of the poem. Owen is questioning
what motives the sun has to wake up the

8) </SPAN></SPAN>Earth and everything inhabiting it, only for
us to destroy ourselves in malicious, ignorant
war. He conducts this manner by personifying
the sun as being a God, and therefore
restricting the deterministic nature of night
and day. Instead, only by will of the sun do
we wake up in the morning. Repetition of the
word “woke” also contributes to the hopelessness
array of the poem. The picture of a lion reaching
for the moon, obviously without any success,
epitomises futility. The lion is fighting an
unwinnable battle against gravity, which

9) </SPAN>enhances the concept that war is a losing
battle, no matter which side you’re on.
Conclusively, Wilfred Owen was a modest
poet who was undeniably passionate about
his hobby. Spring Offensive and Futility are
masterpieces which showcase his natural
ability, as well as decipher his covert
philosophies on the travesties of war.</SPAN>

Put the thesaurus down, Stephanie Meyer.

 

[OH1995]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

It's my thesis that is supposed to be extremely dense and complex. Then I can use that thesis to mould an essay from and make each topic sentence of my paragraphs related to the thesis. Unfortunately this is a first draft of an essay for school that I didn't edit or proof read once I wrote it, so in that regard it probably sounds like a rabble.

 

[ZombieApocalypse]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

I've deleted most of the work that I did this year, but I managed to find the draft of a speech that I presented in term 1. I will include it in this post shortly.

EDIT: Here it is. It's a speech on how "Changing Perspectives" is reflected in the novel "Looking For Alibrandi".

"Changing perspectives is a dominant concept in the novel “Looking for Alibrandi” by Melina Marchetta. The novel focuses on a third generation Italian Australian, Josephine Alibrandi, and her journey through her final year of high school. It is a year which marks many changes in her life; predominantly within her family, school, and most notably, within her own identity. Throughout the novel, Josie gradually learns to embrace these changes in aspects of her life which initially embarrass her. Marchetta highlights this dramatic metamorphosis through literary techniques; including first-person narration, symbolism, extensive dialogue, and descriptive, emotive language; all of which serve to convey a deeper understanding of Josephine’s changing perspectives.


Any (constructive) criticism is greatly appreciated.

wow, haha

we have very similar writing style imo

 

[mirakon]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

It's my thesis that is supposed to be extremely dense and complex. Then I can use that thesis to mould an essay from and make each topic sentence of my paragraphs related to the thesis. Unfortunately this is a first draft of an essay for school that I didn't edit or proof read once I wrote it, so in that regard it probably sounds like a rabble.

yeah mate you really need to simplify this. Like I'm sure you have quite a lot of good ideas, but you need to get these across more efficiently. You have to keep in mind that to get good marks you have to give the marker an easy to understand yet compelx in terms of analysis essay. If they have to re-read the opening paragraph a few times to get it, it might be a disadvantage for you.

 

[OH1995]

Re: How sophisticatedly do you write? Must be in 2013 graduation (year 10 going to 11

Okay, Thanks for the feedback!