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how the hell are you meant to write a light hearted creative in the hsc (1 Viewer)

buckles_

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hey [Deleted for profanity]
It seems that most of the well marked stories in the hsc are all deep and meaningful.
How do i make the markers like my story?

here tis lol

Lobsters
Lobsters are evil. I haven’t been under circumstances which would bring out the best in a crustacean, but I am yet to see evidence of their goodwill. These are my thoughts as I sit across the table from a lady named Susan in some fancy restaurant. I’m Casey, I’ve been around for 30 years and I’m a urinalysis observer. I’m paid to watch people pee in a cup. I don’t mind it though, it’s decent money so who am I to complain. This lady I’m with, Susan, would definitely be in hot contention for being the most boring person I have ever met. I have no clue as to why I had just ordered lobster, probably the most time consuming meal on the entire menu. I scratch the underside of the table, hopefully it’s made of some sort of ultra powerful asbestos that will knock me the hell out and remove me immediately from this tailspin of a date.

I should explain, my brother, Joseph, had set this date up for me. Susan is the boss of some massive financial company which Joseph also works at. If she had a nice time with me it was guaranteed brownie points for him. Plus I’m 30 and have never been on a blind date before. Why not? I thought as I naively accepted the offer.
“I think I’m already in love with you” Susan bluntly stated. This was about the third time she had said this tonight.
“Cheers” I replied, I don’t want to get her hopes up. Where the hell is this lobster?

As the waiter approaches the table I lock eyes with the cray. I actually look forward to eating him/her, it does look very appealing. The shiny red invertebrate oozing with butter, the big claws just waiting to be chowed down. The waiter places down the lobster in front of me and Susan. I tuck in straight away. The first bite was like the touch of a virgin angel on my taste buds. I look over at Susan and she is basically inhaling lobster, if you can picture such a thing. I’m impressed. If you can imagine Apollo 11 reentering our Earth’s atmosphere, that gives you some idea of the shear velocity of this food consumption. She is eating at such force that she inserts a claw into her mouth. Susan’s eating slows to a stop and she clutches her throat. She begins to choke and splutter like the proverbial lemon of a car I currently own. The waiters soon realise and rush to her assistance. Within minutes the ambulance arrived and took her away.

As I sit by myself, still in the restaurant, lobster in hand, a thought comes to mind.

Should I have just gone with her?

I think of the anger of my brother as I tell him the events that had just transpired. He gets angry at the drop of a hat. You should have seen him when I ate the whole punnet of raspberries at Christmas dinner, absolutely livid. My eyes shift to the succulent cray, this delicacy. I take one last bite and run to the car. If she wakes up before I get to the hospital, she would surely tell my brother. I hop into my bomb of a car and speed off. I veer from lane to lane and reminisce on the fantastic lobster I had left behind. Have I really made the correct decision? As I approach the hospital I see nothing but traffic. Traffic banked up for at least a few kilometers. I am willing to do anything to avoid the wrath of Joseph. Looks like I’m going on foot, I park my vehicle in a tow away zone and head off. I’ve got some decent pace. I break into a light sprint, lobster jiggling around in my stomach, I feel a bit nauseous but I push on. I find my rhythm, I could go to the olympics with this form I think to myself. I really am going fast. As I approach the hospital, I nearly get cleaned up by an ambulance, my olympic calibre athletic ability almost cost me.
Oh my God, that’s the one Susan is in! They must of got stuck in the traffic.

I finally arrive at the hospital. I think I blew two hammys and a knee. I’m also ravenous, should’ve taken a few more bites of that lobster for the road. I run up to the receptionist and rack my brain for the name of this lady. How the hell have I forgotten? I look around and see Susan (that’s what it is) being wheeled into the emergency ward. I am in quick pursuit. The nurses don’t let me in the room, they’re operating or something, I have to wait outside. The waiting room is pretty chockers so I am forced to sit on a yoga ball. You have no idea how greatly sitting on a yoga ball offends me and makes me question who I am. I look around and see all these stupid quote posters. “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out just how far one can go”, what the hell does that even mean? Sounds like an old narrative stimulus from high school. The nurses come out of Susan’s room with a melancholy look on their faces. They permit me to enter.

As I enter her room I see her lying without movement. I look at her heartbeat on the monitor, her pulse is not existent.
The doctors, sharing a sombre facial expression, say there was nothing they could have done. They give their condolences to me as they exit the room. I stand there, staring at Susan’s lifeless body. I see the dislodged claw of the lobster on the table next to her. I pick it up and have a little nibble, I am still famished. May as well finish it off, would be a shame to waste it. It seems that now she’s gone, the urge to find out more is overwhelming. I pick up her wallet and have a peek at the driver's license that is prominently displayed. There’s a picture of a man on here. No way, did I just go on a date with a man (not that there’s anything wrong with that)? I lift up Susan’s dress to have a little glance. Oh my, a pair of Bonds Y fronts. She’s either smuggling budgies or that license is right, she’s a bloke. It just goes to show, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
 
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Jaxxnuts

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Your creative is really sensitive to those who read it and if you showed this to your school teacher, they'd refer you to a school counciller
 

Mathew587

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Tbh its not that bad. Our teacher would accept it if it had more meaning and was actually logical or inspiring of sorts. Idk what the whole premise of the story even is. Feels like you put together the most random items that came to you like you were on a blunt and then just spewed it out and chucked in a maxim at the end to legitimise it.
Make it more meaningful mate
 

4Indigoo

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The problem with your piece is that it looks like an excerpt from a novel not a short story in itself. Give or take a few errors in grammar it's ok but I would reconsider the topic. You want to look at the marking criteria for the creative writing piece and make sure it's coherent. Remember, the reader doesn't know what you're thinking. You can't just throw them into the story like you did and wrap it up a few paragraphs later. That's just my opinion. I got a band 6 in EngAdv.
 

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