flappinghippo
Member
Ashmobs brilliant post reminded me of a similar one. Here it is:
How to Deal with Women
1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say you better be, repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her how much you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and we all know every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because that shit is for pussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "Fuck you" and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a tire fire. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair, real hard. Pull it until some comes out. She doesn't need that much hair anyway.
11. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket, then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." Fear is the best heater.
12. Take her to a party. When she goes to the bathroom, leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet, to kick it real hard.
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball and weight lifting.
15. Spit often. Girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll always be looking around for things.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then smash her in the face with a shoe. clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing thats important are emotions, specifically, your happiness. Keeping you happy is the greatest present she can ever get.
21. When she gives you a present tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. [Girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.]
22. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. Who is she to tell you what to do?
How to Deal with Women
1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say you better be, repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her how much you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and we all know every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because that shit is for pussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "Fuck you" and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a tire fire. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair, real hard. Pull it until some comes out. She doesn't need that much hair anyway.
11. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket, then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." Fear is the best heater.
12. Take her to a party. When she goes to the bathroom, leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet, to kick it real hard.
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball and weight lifting.
15. Spit often. Girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll always be looking around for things.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then smash her in the face with a shoe. clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing thats important are emotions, specifically, your happiness. Keeping you happy is the greatest present she can ever get.
21. When she gives you a present tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. [Girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.]
22. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. Who is she to tell you what to do?
