my belonging story (1 Viewer)

[x_symphonic]

Thanks everyone for the positive comments. Yes, i agree that i try a bit too hard and that the story drags the mark down. You guys were correct ^^

Well, my teacher said i would get a b+ for this and a better storyline, esp the ending would increase it to an A.
Thanks again and good luck for your english hsc 2mrw guys

 

[Sutcliffe]

WOW. Very descriptive and a VERY good use of all types of imagery.

Good Work.

 

[mahomey]

very good. probably 13/15 dont like the ending

but take it off because someone may steal it.

 

[erinloveskonrad]

Great use of metaphors and imagery. Well done.
I would give it 13-14/15!
Like mahomey said I would take it off before someone steals it.

 

[mynamewastaken9]

Yeah i'd say 13-14/15 would be a fairly accurate assumption. Not sure what would bump it up to a 15 really, should do well with this regardless. Good luck tomorrow.

 

[jessmooka]

good! but now get it off the internet. k? k.

 

[Apex]

Lmao sif post this a day before the exam. Might steal some ideas from this. Though other than the first 4 paragraphs it ends quite shitely, to put it quite lightly. <---Oooo what technique is this?

I kid, tis good.

 

[boganxcore]

you seem to try a bit too hard to seem intellectual. houses don't 'patiently long' for their owners.

 

[munchiecrunchie]

you write well in terms of description x_symphonic, but you must be wary that teachers are also looking for 2 other key things:

- an ability to develop characters and a story

- a strong focus on the concept of belonging

your story doesn't really develop the character/s much, and seems to try too hard. the focus on belonging could also be strengthened.

I think you can improve it by simply taking out unnecessary description, and replace it with a greater character/belonging exploration.

I'd give it 11 - 12/15.

 

[Apex]

you seem to try a bit too hard to seem intellectual. houses don't 'patiently long' for their owners.

You're dumb it's called personification.

 

[Phoenix Fury]

If some n00b steals it does it really matter? The chances the same teacher reads it is astronomical and even so their is a chance they wont even remember (low i admit). Lastly what can they do? pretty sure not much

And it's a little late to try learn a story for tomoz

 

[boganxcore]

You're dumb it's called personification.

i am aware of personification but it has to be used correctly and appropriately to work. it appears like x_symphonic has put it in there unnecessarily just to add complexity to the story.

jus' sayin'.

 

[51684]

You're dumb it's called personification.

Yeah it may be personification but it's fucking stupid.

This story is way over-descripted, trying to sound way too intellectual like someone said. There is generally no building of a plot or belonging explored.

10/15.

 

[x_symphonic]

i am aware of personification but it has to be used correctly and appropriately to work. it appears like x_symphonic has put it in there unnecessarily just to add complexity to the story.

jus' sayin'.

I think you're quite correct but I think it wont matter if i leave it or remove it anyway don't you think?

 

[x_symphonic]

Yeah it may be personification but it's fucking stupid.

This story is way over-descripted, trying to sound way too intellectual like someone said. There is generally no building of a plot or belonging explored.

10/15.

Even without a good plot, I don't think a marker would dump 5 marks... I think it's just too much. Lol

and yes I'm sounding too intellectual, but thats my style. I can't fix it =(. Even If i do, i think i'll wreck it, especially with this story

 

[rowel]

hey can i have a squiz at the story?? pm or whatever??

 

[chokr2nv]

heyy what did yous all read i cant even see the story lol

 

[x_symphonic]

heyy what did yous all read i cant even see the story lol

thats because i removed it. maybe i'll put it on again ;O

 

[dizzyizzy]

yeah, this isn't 'intellectual' - you clearly think emotive language should be applied in the same manner as house paint. it's bad. why are all these people saying it's good? fuck all happens and it's impossible to read through all the sludge you shoved into it...

'things are perfect not when nothing more can be added but when nothing more can be taken away.' consider.