This might get long, but hopefully you will bear with me. I want to tell you about my life. There are things i need to get off my chest, things I've never talked about with anyone.
I'm 26 years old, found out I have aspergers syndrome a couple of years ago.
I've been living in almost complete isolation the last 4 years. 3 years ago, I moved to a new town where I didn't know anyone. My own choice, to get away from my old town and the people I knew there. Start over in a way. And it worked out. Even though I've been more alone than ever these last years, I've been feeling pretty good the majority of the time. It helps to be anonymous. When no one knows me, it's easier to go to the grocery store or just take a walk, something I was barely able to do before.
A few months after I got here I had the idea that I should cut contact with everyone and everything, except for my closest family. Over the years I've stopped watching television, reading the news or using the internet for anything social. I kinda went off the radar you could say. Naturally, this has resulted in me losing the few friends i had, real life and online. What has been keeping me going are my two hobbies, movies and video games. Those are the two reasons I've been getting up in the morning. I literally have nothing else.
Before I go on, let me tell you about how I got to this point. I'm not gonna go into too much detail since I'd be writing all night, but lets just say my teens were pretty tough. And I didn't make things easier for myself, since I just wasn't a very nice guy. I was too proud, too stupid, and responded with anger when things didn't go the way i wanted them to. I was a hard person to like. This led to me being treated worse and worse over the years until I was pretty much ridiculed by everyone, even my own relatives. Naturally this led to a low self-esteem which was pretty much at rock bottom and my academic performance suffered. I stopped caring. I skipped school and couldn't care less about tests. I just wanted it to be over.
After the obligatory years i tried more school but never got more than a couple of weeks into the year, before giving up. I have as little education as possible at this point. And I haven't had a proper job for more than a month. I don't even have my driver's license. You could say i have less now than i did 15 years ago, except for minimal life experience.
Which brings me to the present again. The reason I'm writing this in the first place, is because I've had some dark thoughts lately. I've started asking myself if I really want to keep living like this. In the end, what's the point in living for video games and movies? They're supposed to be entertainment, not something to base your entire life on. I've started to loose interest. Games just aren't that fun anymore. For the first time in years i want change. I guess these are good thoughts in a way, but the problem is.. i'm worried i've sunk to deep to be able to make the changes i want. And i'm not even sure if i want them, or what i want.
As i mentioned my self-esteem is low. Most of the time i feel like i'm less than nothing. I've been able to cope only because it doesn't really matter when i live this way. I guess that is part of the reason i made the choice to isolate myself 3 years ago. It just seems impossible to live any other way. I'm hoping this is just a phase and that i will be happy with my life again, but i've been really depressed lately. I've even had some suicidal thoughts. Nothing serious yet, but i'm worried it might get worse.
So if you've read all this. What's my next step? What the hell should i do? Thanks.
I'm 26 years old, found out I have aspergers syndrome a couple of years ago.
I've been living in almost complete isolation the last 4 years. 3 years ago, I moved to a new town where I didn't know anyone. My own choice, to get away from my old town and the people I knew there. Start over in a way. And it worked out. Even though I've been more alone than ever these last years, I've been feeling pretty good the majority of the time. It helps to be anonymous. When no one knows me, it's easier to go to the grocery store or just take a walk, something I was barely able to do before.
A few months after I got here I had the idea that I should cut contact with everyone and everything, except for my closest family. Over the years I've stopped watching television, reading the news or using the internet for anything social. I kinda went off the radar you could say. Naturally, this has resulted in me losing the few friends i had, real life and online. What has been keeping me going are my two hobbies, movies and video games. Those are the two reasons I've been getting up in the morning. I literally have nothing else.
Before I go on, let me tell you about how I got to this point. I'm not gonna go into too much detail since I'd be writing all night, but lets just say my teens were pretty tough. And I didn't make things easier for myself, since I just wasn't a very nice guy. I was too proud, too stupid, and responded with anger when things didn't go the way i wanted them to. I was a hard person to like. This led to me being treated worse and worse over the years until I was pretty much ridiculed by everyone, even my own relatives. Naturally this led to a low self-esteem which was pretty much at rock bottom and my academic performance suffered. I stopped caring. I skipped school and couldn't care less about tests. I just wanted it to be over.
After the obligatory years i tried more school but never got more than a couple of weeks into the year, before giving up. I have as little education as possible at this point. And I haven't had a proper job for more than a month. I don't even have my driver's license. You could say i have less now than i did 15 years ago, except for minimal life experience.
Which brings me to the present again. The reason I'm writing this in the first place, is because I've had some dark thoughts lately. I've started asking myself if I really want to keep living like this. In the end, what's the point in living for video games and movies? They're supposed to be entertainment, not something to base your entire life on. I've started to loose interest. Games just aren't that fun anymore. For the first time in years i want change. I guess these are good thoughts in a way, but the problem is.. i'm worried i've sunk to deep to be able to make the changes i want. And i'm not even sure if i want them, or what i want.
As i mentioned my self-esteem is low. Most of the time i feel like i'm less than nothing. I've been able to cope only because it doesn't really matter when i live this way. I guess that is part of the reason i made the choice to isolate myself 3 years ago. It just seems impossible to live any other way. I'm hoping this is just a phase and that i will be happy with my life again, but i've been really depressed lately. I've even had some suicidal thoughts. Nothing serious yet, but i'm worried it might get worse.
So if you've read all this. What's my next step? What the hell should i do? Thanks.
