Need advice on creative writing!! (1 Viewer)

[kchapman]

Hey guys....

Just needed some feedback on the beginning of this creative piece... I've had mental blocks about it for the past week!! Just letting you know i'm definately not an English expert so be as harsh as so I can hopefully get better

I remember the day. We were driving home – dad and me. I had been away for 2 months avoiding finishing my holiday. It seemed cold that day; mist over the paddocks, the fog on the windows. But it wasn’t just the weather; everything was cold, people’s looks and actions – all of it. It was one of those days where you could see your breath when you spoke. No one had said anything to me while I was away, I think they were giving me space and at the time I didn’t what for. I looked at my dad to ask to turn the heater on but I stopped myself. On the day I wasn’t sure why I did but I saw something in his eyes, something horrible. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a long time. I got the phone call to come home about 2 days ago and that they had some devastating news to tell me in person. I think they said it would be too hard over the phone and that I’d need “comfort”. Those words tortured me the whole plane ride home and got worse when I saw my father’s face at airport. He had been crying. My stomach dropped at that sight and when he saw me he wiped his tears away.


Thanks for reading... What do you think??

 

[Ustritsa]

More than happy to send you detailed editing/marking and feedback if you send me an email with your creative piece attached!

 

[lolJK]

You've probably heard it a million times, but it's not getting through to you. Show...do NOT tell! Instead of starting with "I remember the day...", why not begin your story just describing the journey, and then inserting a time shift (***). Just a thought. Hope this helps. Good luck

 

[monsta4lyfe]

I think in the first paragraph the reader should get a good understanding of the context you are writing in. If it's based off a significant event or time period, for instance, try writing something that will make the reader allude to your context. Also, try to not use so many 'I's, it eventually becomes repetitive and unprofessional. Just a few small tips but I hope this helps!! ) Good Luck!

 

[hasdhil]

be more descriptive in your sentences, create a image in the mind of the reader. Don't say "I think they said", be confident in what you are telling the reader. Sometimes try using short sentences for effect, e.g "Those words tortured me the entire plane ride home. My father's distressed emotions heightened this worry. My heart sank at the sight of him wiping away a tear." Something along those lines, its just a idea, its not peferect. Begin the story with more description and not just "I remember the day." if you want to start like that you could alter it a little to something like "the horrid day of when I returned home after two peaceful months is engraved into my mind." You hint at the change in emotion as he returned home from his holidays.

I hope this has helped