Please critique King Lear essay! (2 Viewers)

[Absolutezero]

It's a document, so its not just text. I'll try and upload it here.

Attached

 

[hayabusaboston]

It's a document, so its not just text. I'll try and upload it here.

k thanks. also with my techniques, i put in a few sentences on hamartia and asyndeta etc, dont know if anyone noticed, but seeing as though they didnt i guess i need more? how many techniques and how long should each one be?

 

[hayabusaboston]

Attached

apparently the document is damaged, so could not be read? sorry! o i dont suppose it would be too troubling to convert it into some other format? so sorry for inconvenience

 

[hayabusaboston]

I'm in year 11, and i think it sounds good. However, try not to get to caught up in the thesaurus as you're only confusing the reader, especially since it's such a historical question you'd want to state facts and back it up with evidence. Don't forget to link back to the question, as i don't see much of that in your piece. Good luck with your endevour wanna critique my piece, pm me?

thankyou yea i dont actually use thesaurus lol i just say what comes to mind, but thanks anyway. I do find it difficult, however, to link back to question? where am i going wrong in that? OH! wait am i talking too much about derived thesis instead of the ACTUAL question? and yep, can critique your essay, npt sure what help id be though lol seeing as though i myself need much improvement.

 

[Absolutezero]

k thanks. also with my techniques, i put in a few sentences on hamartia and asyndeta etc, dont know if anyone noticed, but seeing as though they didnt i guess i need more? how many techniques and how long should each one be?

The techniques are there, but your expression makes it hard to recognise them.

Here's pdf format.

 

[Examine]

Hurlstone Ag has boarding school facilities?

 

[hayabusaboston]

The techniques are there, but your expression makes it hard to recognise them.

Here's pdf format.

thank you o great literary master! i appreciate this a lot. thank man.

 

[SunnyScience]

Go through your essay and highlight the following (each with a different colour):
1. The 'thesis' of each paragraph - Where you say what you're about to talk about for the next 150 words
2. Quotes
3. Techniques
4. Effect of Techniques
5. Links to the question, thesis and next paragraph.

Hopefully that will help you

If you can't do this, it must mean your essay is lacking in that component.

 

[johnny1996]

Hi my sis is a BOS marker and she is putting your essay through a professional online marker right now.I will be able to tell u ur mark with feedback in about 1 minute

 

[johnny1996]

i dont know what everyone was complaining about- the marker gave u an 89/100 for the first copy u posted.Well done!

 

[Examine]

i dont know what everyone was complaining about- the marker gave u an 89/100 for the first copy u posted.Well done!

Fucking lol is this "professional online marker" a punctuation, spelling or vocabulary checker? Fuck sake.

 

[Absolutezero]

i dont know what everyone was complaining about- the marker gave u an 89/100 for the first copy u posted.Well done!

Then I would highly question that markers ability. The first version has many flaws which a decent marker would pick up on.

 

[acemusic415]

Less summarising of the text, more textual analysis. More use of T.E.E.L/P.E.A.L

 

[SanjoyM]

He goes to Hurlstone, though you marked too lightly anyway.

Yes, I marked a bit lightly! However, I'm quite sure he will dramatically improve by the end of year 11
The essay is just too verbose at times!!
In all honestly, I would give it a 11 ..

 

[Absolutezero]

Hey guys,
Okay ive completely reworked a large portion of this, my teacher told me anything less than 1000 words isn’t good enough, so I tried to push up to 1000, also added much more depth in analysis. If possible could one of the older and/or more experienced people give me a potential mark /15? Thanks

Leadership is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the underlying notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. The whole idea relies on and is fundamentally intertwined with successful relationships between a leader and his people. Thus derived is an assumption, successful leadership comes down to an ability to maintain social aptness, avoid hegemony, and still have the determination to fulfil tasks for the benefit of the group. This framework of ideas is explored in varying intricacies in Shakespeare’s play “King Lear” as well as J. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy of novels.


A starting point of analysis one may consider is given in the character of Edmund, the bastard son of the Earl of Gloucester in “King Lear”. Edmund is described as one who holds a high antipathy for society, for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands to inherit the wealth of their father Gloucester, All due to Edmund’s bastard status. In his first epideictic oration, “Thou nature art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!”, one is given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmund’s, in his quest for recognition against his censure by society. The asyndeta in his soliloquy develop one’s appreciation of his incredible determination to lead, as well as present powerful imagery of the characters cerebral strength in general.
.
Edmund is a stereotypically ridiculed bastard, rising up through the ranks with the ambitions to rise above his status. This framing device sets the scene for a portfolio of situations and established social networks which serve to assist him in his own personal needs. This shows one his flagrant ambition drives his need for supremacy. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar, which shocks Gloucester when he reads it. This deceit craftily creates a scenario for the first follower to fall into his trap. As he then describes, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms…” one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech. Extra use of polysyndeta even more effectively reiterates his cerebral dominance.

Edmunds meeting with Edgar, subsequent to the letter being read, is another thematically driven situation. He tells Edgar to remain armed at all times. “Pray ye, go, there’s my key. If you do stir abroad, go armed”. Edgar is instructed in a sincere manner by Edmund to leave to Edmunds lodging. The red herring here is seen to be successful in literally restructuring the entire familial bond between Gloucester and Edgar.


On a different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings possesses a different personality which is expressed differently to Edmund. He is described as a jovial little fellow, a hobbit who comes to be in possession of the one ring, the ruling ring of Middle Earth. This ring becomes a perfect example of Chekhov’s gun, the mysterious properties posed as a wonder to the characters in the novel as well as the reader. The eventual task Frodo comes to face comes as a striking juxtaposition to the antecedent reputation built up for him by JR Tolkien.


LOTR also elapses with a progressive dwindling of Company members. This pathetic fallacy is symbolic in its representation of the greater independence required of the leader, in the changing situations his group faces. JR Tolkien presents to the reader the idea of the necessity of social bonding, asking the question, what occurs when Frodo’s social network decreases in magnitude? What effect does this have on his ability and desire to continue? This puts Frodo’s leadership abilities to the test

When Frodo escapes Boromir’s accost in the forest, he encounters Sam, who demands “Im going with you”, to Mount Doom. Frodo accepts this decision on Sam’s part to remain with him, this instills a greater subconscious sense of success, therein giving Frodo mental support. The connective rapport between Sam and Frodo reduces the lingering feeling of solitude the reader holds for Frodo, and promotes ideals of his success.


After the acquaintance with Gollum, from an altercation that ensues with regard to Frodo wanting “To help him” (Gollum), the conversation allows the reader to sympathise with Gollum, and suggests to us the caring nature of Frodo is imminent in his desire to help Gollum. Then after a brief aspersion to Sam’s request to assist with the Ring, Frodo exclaims “It’s my task! My own!” suggesting to the reader the ring is altering his personality, adding a darker element of avarice and forcing Frodo to battle against the attractive power of the ring. So the flow on effect is a change in Frodo’s capabilities to uphold his leadership efficiency, a contrasting representation to that of Edmund in King Lear, who only keeps on increasing his power.
He also maintains with the exigency of his task, and still manages to form a sympathetic relationship with Gollum, as well as a mostly sympathetic, but fluctuating one with Sam. This case is unique in that it is an exemplification of the notion that leadership does not necessarily come in physical size, a small character by stature is shown to have the greatest power and influence


In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but drive thematic patterning in their respective storylines. Overall, in King Lear, through the character of Edmund, Shakespeare poses to the reader the questions, are altruism and justice necessarily characteristics of leadership? Does a hamartia always arise in the different agendas of leaders such as Edmund? On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, endures a whole series of obstacles with the overarching kindness and sympathy of a great leader, as well as the strength and determination to overcome deterrents. JR Tolkien thus teaches the importance of will, and that the greatest power is vested in it.

There's still to much retelling. You also haven't created arguments for each paragraph, which is basically a necessity. It's still too verbose as well.

 

[hayabusaboston]

There's still to much retelling. You also haven't created arguments for each paragraph, which is basically a necessity. It's still too verbose as well.

thanks, but i cant understand how you can have basically no retelling? it creates a context ive literally put in one sentence of retelling per paragraph. look.


Leadership is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the underlying notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. The whole idea relies on successful relationships between a leader and his people. Thus derived is an assumption, a leader must maintain social aptness, avoid hegemony, and still have the determination to fulfil tasks for the benefit of the group. This framework of ideas is explored in varying intricacies in Shakespeare’s play “King Lear” as well as J. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy of novels.

A starting point of analysis one may consider is given in the character of Edmund, the bastard son of the Earl of Gloucester in “King Lear”. Edmund is described as one who holds a high antipathy for society, for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands to inherit the wealth of their father Gloucester, All due to Edmund’s bastard status. In his first epideictic oration, “Thou nature art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!”, one is given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmund’s, in his quest for recognition against his censure by society. The asyndeta in his soliloquy develop one’s appreciation of his incredible determination to lead, as well as present powerful imagery of the characters cerebral strength in general.
.
Edmund is a stereotypically ridiculed bastard, but holds the ambitions to rise above his status. This framing device allows Shakespeare to set the scene for a portfolio of situations and established social networks to unfold for Edmund which serve to assist his own personal goals. This shows his flagrant ambition drives his need for supremacy. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar, which shocks Gloucester when he reads it. This deceit craftily creates the first scenario for a follower to fall into his trap. As he then describes, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms…” one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech. Extra use of polysyndeta even more effectively reiterates his cerebral dominance. Shakespeare’s introduced emphasis on Edmund creates powerful associative imagery in the readers minds of the important role Edmund shall play

Edmunds meeting with Edgar, subsequent to the letter being read, is another thematically driven situation. [COLOR="#FF0000"[B]][COLOR="#FF0000"]He tells Edgar to remain armed at all times. “Pray ye, go, there’s my key. If you do stir abroad, go armed”. Edgar is instructed in a sincere manner by Edmund to leave to Edmunds lodging.[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR] The red herring here is seen to be successful in literally restructuring the entire familial bond between Gloucester and Edgar. Shakespeare’s structure of the scenario allows one to sympathise with Edgar and Gloucester, as they’re so critically being pulled apart from each other by Edmund.

On a different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings possesses a different personality which is expressed differently to Edmund. He is described as a jovial little fellow, a hobbit who comes to be in possession of the one ring, the ruling ring of Middle Earth. This ring becomes a perfect example of Chekhov’s gun, the mysterious properties posed as a wonder to the characters in the novel as well as the reader. The eventual task Frodo comes to face comes as a striking juxtaposition to the antecedent reputation built up for him by JR Tolkien.

LOTR also elapses with a progressive dwindling of Company members. This pathetic fallacy is symbolic in its representation of the greater independence required of the leader, in the changing situations his group faces. JR Tolkien presents to the reader the idea of the necessity of social bonding, asking the question, what occurs when Frodo’s social network decreases in magnitude? What effect does this have on his ability and desire to continue? This puts Frodo’s leadership abilities to the test

When Frodo escapes Boromir’s accost in the forest, he encounters Sam, who demands “Im going with you”, to Mount Doom. Frodo accepts this decision on Sam’s part to remain with him, this instills a greater subconscious sense of success, therein giving Frodo mental support. The connective rapport between Sam and Frodo reduces the lingering feeling of solitude the reader holds for Frodo, and promotes ideals of his success.

After the acquaintance with Gollum, from an altercation that ensues with regard to Frodo wanting “To help him” (Gollum), the conversation allows the reader to sympathise with Gollum, and suggests to us the caring nature of Frodo is imminent in his desire to help Gollum. Then after a brief aspersion to Sam’s request to assist with the Ring, Frodo exclaims “It’s my task! My own!” suggesting to the reader the ring is altering his personality, adding a darker element of avarice and forcing Frodo to battle against the attractive power of the ring. So the flow on effect is a change in Frodo’s capabilities to uphold his leadership efficiency, a contrasting representation to that of Edmund in King Lear, who only keeps on increasing his power.
He also maintains with the exigency of his task, and still manages to form a sympathetic relationship with Gollum, as well as a mostly sympathetic, but fluctuating one with Sam. This case is unique in that it is an exemplification of the notion that leadership does not necessarily come in physical size, a small character by stature is shown to have the greatest power and influence
In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but drive thematic patterning in their respective storylines. Overall, in King Lear, through the character of Edmund, Shakespeare poses to the reader the questions, are altruism and justice necessarily characteristics of leadership? Does a hamartia always arise in the different agendas of leaders such as Edmund? On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, endures a whole series of obstacles with the overarching kindness and sympathy of a great leader, as well as the strength and determination to overcome deterrents. JR Tolkien thus teaches the importance of will, and that the greatest power is vested in it.



that in red is the only retelling i do. i feel there will be a complete lack of context if i get rid of that?

 

[hayabusaboston]

hmm do i lack arguments? i thought i had too much of them? i make green what i think are arguments



Leadership is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the underlying notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. The whole idea relies on successful relationships between a leader and his people. Thus derived is an assumption, a leader must maintain social aptness, avoid hegemony, and still have the determination to fulfil tasks for the benefit of the group. This framework of ideas is explored in varying intricacies in Shakespeare’s play “King Lear” as well as J. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy of novels.

A starting point of analysis one may consider is given in the character of Edmund, the bastard son of the Earl of Gloucester in “King Lear”. Edmund is described as one who holds a high antipathy for society, for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands to inherit the wealth of their father Gloucester, All due to Edmund’s bastard status. In his first epideictic oration, “Thou nature art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!”, one is given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmund’s, in his quest for recognition against his censure by society. The asyndeta in his soliloquy develop one’s appreciation of his incredible determination to lead, as well as present powerful imagery of the characters cerebral strength in general.
.
Edmund is a stereotypically ridiculed bastard, but holds the ambitions to rise above his status. This framing device allows Shakespeare to set the scene for a portfolio of situations and established social networks to unfold for Edmund which serve to assist his own personal goals. This shows his flagrant ambition drives his need for supremacy. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar, which shocks Gloucester when he reads it. This deceit craftily creates the first scenario for a follower to fall into his trap. As he then describes, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms…” one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech. Extra use of polysyndeta even more effectively reiterates his cerebral dominance. Shakespeare’s introduced emphasis on Edmund creates powerful associative imagery in the readers minds of the important role Edmund shall play

Edmunds meeting with Edgar, subsequent to the letter being read, is another thematically driven situation. He tells Edgar to remain armed at all times. “Pray ye, go, there’s my key. If you do stir abroad, go armed”. Edgar is instructed in a sincere manner by Edmund to leave to Edmunds lodging. The red herring here is seen to be successful in literally restructuring the entire familial bond between Gloucester and Edgar. Shakespeare’s structure of the scenario allows one to sympathise with Edgar and Gloucester, as they’re so critically being pulled apart from each other by Edmund.

On a different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings possesses a different personality which is expressed differently to Edmund. He is described as a jovial little fellow, a hobbit who comes to be in possession of the one ring, the ruling ring of Middle Earth. This ring becomes a perfect example of Chekhov’s gun, the mysterious properties posed as a wonder to the characters in the novel as well as the reader. The eventual task Frodo comes to face comes as a striking juxtaposition to the antecedent reputation built up for him by JR Tolkien.

LOTR also elapses with a progressive dwindling of Company members. This pathetic fallacy is symbolic in its representation of the greater independence required of the leader, in the changing situations his group faces. JR Tolkien presents to the reader the idea of the necessity of social bonding, asking the question, what occurs when Frodo’s social network decreases in magnitude? What effect does this have on his ability and desire to continue? This puts Frodo’s leadership abilities to the test

When Frodo escapes Boromir’s accost in the forest, he encounters Sam, who demands “Im going with you”, to Mount Doom. Frodo accepts this decision on Sam’s part to remain with him, this instills a greater subconscious sense of success, therein giving Frodo mental support. The connective rapport between Sam and Frodo reduces the lingering feeling of solitude the reader holds for Frodo, and promotes ideals of his success.

After the acquaintance with Gollum, from an altercation that ensues with regard to Frodo wanting “To help him” (Gollum), the conversation allows the reader to sympathise with Gollum, and suggests to us the caring nature of Frodo is imminent in his desire to help Gollum. Then after a brief aspersion to Sam’s request to assist with the Ring, Frodo exclaims “It’s my task! My own!” suggesting to the reader the ring is altering his personality, adding a darker element of avarice and forcing Frodo to battle against the attractive power of the ring. So the flow on effect is a change in Frodo’s capabilities to uphold his leadership efficiency, a contrasting representation to that of Edmund in King Lear, who only keeps on increasing his power.

He also maintains with the exigency of his task, and still manages to form a sympathetic relationship with Gollum, as well as a mostly sympathetic, but fluctuating one with Sam. This case is unique in that it is an exemplification of the notion that leadership does not necessarily come in physical size, a small character by stature is shown to have the greatest power and influence

In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but drive thematic patterning in their respective storylines. Overall, in King Lear, through the character of Edmund, Shakespeare poses to the reader the questions, are altruism and justice necessarily characteristics of leadership? Does a hamartia always arise in the different agendas of leaders such as Edmund? On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, endures a whole series of obstacles with the overarching kindness and sympathy of a great leader, as well as the strength and determination to overcome deterrents. JR Tolkien thus teaches the importance of will, and that the greatest power is vested in it.


yea i did a bit, pretty much all of it is argumentative vernacular isnt it? does that fulfill teachers criteria or is it argumentative in too vague of a way? what constitutes a direct argumentative approach?

 

[Timske]

Topic sentence (introduce your argument!) -> [ quote -> technique -> analysis (explain how the technique in the quote emphasizes or conveys an important idea! and elaborate!] use this 2 - 3 times -> link back to question!

 

[hayabusaboston]

Topic sentence (introduce your argument!) -> [ quote -> technique -> analysis (explain how the technique in the quote emphasizes or conveys an important idea! and elaborate!] use this 2 - 3 times -> link back to question!

indeed, i think i have followed this in every paragraph, have i not? except 2nd last paragraph maybe?

 

[Timske]

Heres one paragraph
.
Edmund is a stereotypically ridiculed bastard, but holds the ambitions to rise above his status. This framing device allows Shakespeare to set the scene for a portfolio of situations and established social networks to unfold for Edmund which serve to assist his own personal goals. This shows his flagrant ambition drives his need for supremacy. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar, which shocks Gloucester when he reads it. This deceit craftily creates the first scenario for a follower to fall into his trap. As he then describes, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms…” one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech. Extra use of polysyndeta even more effectively reiterates his cerebral dominance. Shakespeare’s introduced emphasis on Edmund creates powerful associative imagery in the readers minds of the important role Edmund shall play

Edmund is a stereotypically ridiculed bastard, but holds the ambitions to rise above his status - Is this your topic sentence?? State clearly what you are arguing.
framing device - what framing device?
portfolio - bad word
social networks - bad word
Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar, which shocks Gloucester when he reads it. This deceit craftily creates the first scenario for a follower to fall into his trap. - storytelling
“A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms…” one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech. - yes what this virile tone do? what is its effect?
Extra use of polysyndeta even more effectively reiterates his cerebral dominance. - you state the technique but where did it come from? quote it