Absolutezero
real human bean
- Joined
- Nov 17, 2007
- Messages
- 15,077
- Gender
- Male
- HSC
- N/A
Better. But there's still an example in the opening which is bad. And this needs to be broken into two sentences.
-
Finished your HSC? Check out our University Discussion, Non-School forums or help out next year's HSC students! -
YOU can help the next generation of students in the community! Share your trial papers and notes on our Notes & Resources page
Please critique King Lear essay! (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter hayabusaboston
- Start date
hayabusaboston
Well-Known Member
What do you mean by example?
Gollum comes to acquires a position of power which lets him choose to maintain secrecy, or give into deceit. This acquisition comes about when Sam and Frodo are arguing over whether to "Keep him (Gollum)", which gives that light of dejected innocence to Gollum
I think that fixes it?
Last edited:
Absolutezero
real human bean
- Joined
- Nov 17, 2007
- Messages
- 15,077
- Gender
- Male
- HSC
- N/A
There's a quote form the text, i.e Evidence. This shouldn't be in your opener
hayabusaboston
Well-Known Member
k fixed it now^^. I hope ive covered everything >.< have i? any more errors?
Absolutezero
real human bean
- Joined
- Nov 17, 2007
- Messages
- 15,077
- Gender
- Male
- HSC
- N/A
There's still stuff you could fix up, but it would require more time than I've currently got.
hayabusaboston
Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot for all your help though! It is so greatly appreciated
hayabusaboston
Well-Known Member
Here is the destroyed and rebuilt version, with help from all you guys
Anymore comments welcome, also predicted marks /15
Leadership is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the underlying notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. The whole idea relies on successful relationships between a leader and his people. Thus derived is an assumption, good leadership involves maintaining social skills, avoiding hegemony, and keeping determined to help the group where possible. This framework of ideas is explored in varying intricacies in Shakespeare’s play “King Lear” as well as J. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy of novels.
Edmund in King Lear delivers a soliloquy, which highlights his incredible cerebral strength and determination to lead. Thus Shakespeare builds up an impression of Edmunds importance in the story, as one who skilfully manipulates social networks to his will. This is shown in his description, as one who holds a high antipathy for society, for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands a noble, while Edmund a bastard. In his first epideictic oration, “Thou nature art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!”, one is given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmund’s, in a quest for recognition against his censure by society.
.
Edmunds bastard status prompts his desire to transcend social barriers, a stark contrast, to form an image of the underdog rising up to power. This framing device of “reputation vs destination” allows Shakespeare to create a multitude of situations which always unfold in Edmund’s favour. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar, which shocks Gloucester when he reads it. Thus Edmund craftily traps Gloucester into a web of ficticious ideals he created. He then states, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms…” in which one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech, further emphasising his cerebral dominance. Shakespeare’s emphasis on Edmund reiterates his important role.
The red herring Edmund creates with a false letter from Edgar to Gloucester is successful in literally restructuring the entire familial bond between Gloucester and Edgar. Shakespeare’s structure of the scenario allows one to sympathise with Edgar and Gloucester, as they’re so critically being pulled apart from each other by Edmund. Edmunds manipulative efficiency once again helps him acquire success in the situation. When he meets with Edgar, subsequent to the letter being read, He tells Edgar to remain armed at all times. “Pray ye, go, there’s my key. If you do stir abroad, go armed”. Edgar is instructed in a sincere manner by Edmund to leave to Edmunds lodging. Thus the deceit and flattering speech is clearly shown to the reader.
On a different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings is a character portrayed as an alternate expression of leadership to that of Edmund. He is described as a “mere hobbit” who comes into possession of a great power, “the one ring, the ring to rule them all”. This ring becomes a perfect example of Chekhov’s gun, the mysterious properties posed as a wonder to the characters in the novel as well as the reader, eventually followed by revelatory circumstances. The eventual task Frodo comes to face also comes as a striking juxtaposition to the antecedent reputation built up for him by JR Tolkien, as a mere hobbit of minor intellectual or physical capabilities, let alone leadership.
LOTR also elapses with a progressive dwindling of Company members. This pathetic fallacy is symbolic in its representation of the greater independence required of the leader, in the changing situations his group faces. JR Tolkien presents to the reader the idea of the necessity of social bonding, asking the question, what occurs when Frodo’s social network decreases in magnitude? What effect does this have on his ability and desire to continue? This puts Frodo’s leadership abilities to the test, both through social relationships and determination to continue.
Frodo accepts a decision on Sam’s part to remain with him, which instills a greater subconscious sense of success, therein giving Frodo mental support. This event occurs when Frodo escapes Boromir’s accost in the forest, he encounters Sam, who demands “Im going with you”, to Mount Doom.. The connective rapport between Sam and Frodo reduces the lingering feeling of solitude the reader holds for Frodo, and promotes ideals of his success. This emphasises Sam’s influential role on Frodo’s leadership
Gollum comes to acquires a position of power which lets him choose to maintain secrecy, or give into deceit. This acquisition comes about when Sam and Frodo are arguing over whether to "Keep him (Gollum)", which gives that light of dejected innocence to Gollum. Then after a brief aspersion to Sam’s request to assist with the Ring, Frodo exclaims “It’s my task! My own!” suggesting to the reader the ring is altering his personality, adding a darker element of avarice and forcing Frodo to battle against the attractive power of the ring. So the flow on effect is a change in Frodo’s capabilities to uphold his leadership efficiency, a contrasting representation to that of Edmund in King Lear, who only keeps on increasing his power. He also maintains with the exigency of his task, and still manages to form a sympathetic relationship with Gollum, as well as a mostly sympathetic, but fluctuating one with Sam
In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but drive thematic patterning in their respective storylines. Overall, in King Lear, through the character of Edmund, Shakespeare poses to the reader the questions, are altruism and justice necessarily characteristics of leadership? Does a hamartia always arise in the different agendas of leaders such as Edmund? On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, endures a whole series of obstacles with the overarching kindness and sympathy of a great leader, as well as the strength and determination to overcome deterrents. JR Tolkien thus teaches the importance of will, and that the greatest power is vested in it.
Anymore comments welcome, also predicted marks /15
Leadership is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the underlying notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. The whole idea relies on successful relationships between a leader and his people. Thus derived is an assumption, good leadership involves maintaining social skills, avoiding hegemony, and keeping determined to help the group where possible. This framework of ideas is explored in varying intricacies in Shakespeare’s play “King Lear” as well as J. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy of novels.
Edmund in King Lear delivers a soliloquy, which highlights his incredible cerebral strength and determination to lead. Thus Shakespeare builds up an impression of Edmunds importance in the story, as one who skilfully manipulates social networks to his will. This is shown in his description, as one who holds a high antipathy for society, for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands a noble, while Edmund a bastard. In his first epideictic oration, “Thou nature art my goddess; to thy law my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!”, one is given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmund’s, in a quest for recognition against his censure by society.
.
Edmunds bastard status prompts his desire to transcend social barriers, a stark contrast, to form an image of the underdog rising up to power. This framing device of “reputation vs destination” allows Shakespeare to create a multitude of situations which always unfold in Edmund’s favour. Eventually, Edmund “receives” a letter from Edgar, which shocks Gloucester when he reads it. Thus Edmund craftily traps Gloucester into a web of ficticious ideals he created. He then states, “A credulous father and a brother noble, whose nature is so far from doing harms…” in which one can see an almost virile tone of authority expressed in his speech, further emphasising his cerebral dominance. Shakespeare’s emphasis on Edmund reiterates his important role.
The red herring Edmund creates with a false letter from Edgar to Gloucester is successful in literally restructuring the entire familial bond between Gloucester and Edgar. Shakespeare’s structure of the scenario allows one to sympathise with Edgar and Gloucester, as they’re so critically being pulled apart from each other by Edmund. Edmunds manipulative efficiency once again helps him acquire success in the situation. When he meets with Edgar, subsequent to the letter being read, He tells Edgar to remain armed at all times. “Pray ye, go, there’s my key. If you do stir abroad, go armed”. Edgar is instructed in a sincere manner by Edmund to leave to Edmunds lodging. Thus the deceit and flattering speech is clearly shown to the reader.
On a different angle, Frodo from The Lord Of the Rings is a character portrayed as an alternate expression of leadership to that of Edmund. He is described as a “mere hobbit” who comes into possession of a great power, “the one ring, the ring to rule them all”. This ring becomes a perfect example of Chekhov’s gun, the mysterious properties posed as a wonder to the characters in the novel as well as the reader, eventually followed by revelatory circumstances. The eventual task Frodo comes to face also comes as a striking juxtaposition to the antecedent reputation built up for him by JR Tolkien, as a mere hobbit of minor intellectual or physical capabilities, let alone leadership.
LOTR also elapses with a progressive dwindling of Company members. This pathetic fallacy is symbolic in its representation of the greater independence required of the leader, in the changing situations his group faces. JR Tolkien presents to the reader the idea of the necessity of social bonding, asking the question, what occurs when Frodo’s social network decreases in magnitude? What effect does this have on his ability and desire to continue? This puts Frodo’s leadership abilities to the test, both through social relationships and determination to continue.
Frodo accepts a decision on Sam’s part to remain with him, which instills a greater subconscious sense of success, therein giving Frodo mental support. This event occurs when Frodo escapes Boromir’s accost in the forest, he encounters Sam, who demands “Im going with you”, to Mount Doom.. The connective rapport between Sam and Frodo reduces the lingering feeling of solitude the reader holds for Frodo, and promotes ideals of his success. This emphasises Sam’s influential role on Frodo’s leadership
Gollum comes to acquires a position of power which lets him choose to maintain secrecy, or give into deceit. This acquisition comes about when Sam and Frodo are arguing over whether to "Keep him (Gollum)", which gives that light of dejected innocence to Gollum. Then after a brief aspersion to Sam’s request to assist with the Ring, Frodo exclaims “It’s my task! My own!” suggesting to the reader the ring is altering his personality, adding a darker element of avarice and forcing Frodo to battle against the attractive power of the ring. So the flow on effect is a change in Frodo’s capabilities to uphold his leadership efficiency, a contrasting representation to that of Edmund in King Lear, who only keeps on increasing his power. He also maintains with the exigency of his task, and still manages to form a sympathetic relationship with Gollum, as well as a mostly sympathetic, but fluctuating one with Sam
In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but drive thematic patterning in their respective storylines. Overall, in King Lear, through the character of Edmund, Shakespeare poses to the reader the questions, are altruism and justice necessarily characteristics of leadership? Does a hamartia always arise in the different agendas of leaders such as Edmund? On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, endures a whole series of obstacles with the overarching kindness and sympathy of a great leader, as well as the strength and determination to overcome deterrents. JR Tolkien thus teaches the importance of will, and that the greatest power is vested in it.
Firstly, for your topic sentences, you should NEVER refer to any characters/Plot etc...
Make a general statement. For e.g. (different example)- "A sense of personal and spiritual belonging emerges from one's connection to places. In (name of your text), name of character/scene..... ....." - makes it much more coherent.
I would suggest that you integrate the discussion of both your texts on the basis of concepts/ideas/themes
Apparently, markers do not prefer a linear style essay.
It is still to verbose!! Remember, LESS is MORE sometimes. Be simplistic, but effective!
mark: 9-10/15 - being brutally honest!
Make a general statement. For e.g. (different example)- "A sense of personal and spiritual belonging emerges from one's connection to places. In (name of your text), name of character/scene..... ....." - makes it much more coherent.
I would suggest that you integrate the discussion of both your texts on the basis of concepts/ideas/themes
Apparently, markers do not prefer a linear style essay.
It is still to verbose!! Remember, LESS is MORE sometimes. Be simplistic, but effective!
mark: 9-10/15 - being brutally honest!
RivalryofTroll
Sleep Deprived Entity
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2011
- Messages
- 3,805
- Gender
- Male
- HSC
- 2013
- Uni Grad
- 2019
This.
Always start off with the notion as the topic sentence.
E.g. In journeys, individuals will have to encounter and overcome obstacles.
Then the example from the text:
E.g. As seen in the film "Blah Blah", Bob had to overcome his sickness and asthma attacks to blah blah blah....
Then the evidence from the text: Techniques + Quotes
E.g. In Bob's farewell speech, " Blah blah blah", it is seen that he is now less vulnerable to sickness due to his newly gained positive mentality.
The director uses close-up shots to capture Bob's newly gained confidence and this demonstrates that blah blah blah....
Then repeat or link back to the question:
So link your point back to the question.
+1
hayabusaboston
Well-Known Member
okay i added generalised topic sentences, is that the remaining problem? asides from thematic integration, which im doing now, what else is there to fix/ im working on verbosity too. asides, what else hinder s me?
hayabusaboston
Well-Known Member
it ios the right context, just unnecessary maybe
Good effort so far though, if you keep trying to improve your essay and take advice from fellow BoSers, you will improve. I think reading some exemplar A range essays and comparing them against yours would be a good idea.
hayabusaboston
Well-Known Member
lol there are so many flaws, i feel like i will never get that perfect 15/15...geez i hope so....
hayabusaboston
Well-Known Member
My copy which ive started memorising, please tell me its worth it lol
Leadership is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. The whole idea relies on positive relationships between a leader and his people. Thus we arrive at an assumption; a good leader must avoid hegemony, form good bonds with his people and maintain determination to assist his people were possible. This framework of ideas is explored in various depths in Shakespeare’s King Lear as well as JR Tolkiens trilogy of novels, The Lord of the Rings.
Epideictic orations by a character in fictional works usually encompass a large revelation of the plots characteristics. Edmund delivers such an oration, a soliloquy expressing his great determination and cerebral strength. Shakespeare paints an image here of Edmunds importance, accentuating his ability to manipulate social networks to his will. As described in the story itself, Edmund despises society for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands a noble, while Edmund a bastard remains. In his speech, “Thou nature art my goddess, to thy laws my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!” we are given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmunds, in his quest to escape the censure of society.
The insatiable avarice humans possess for material and social gain is what drives them to seek out these things. Edmund’s desire to transcend social barriers as a bastard in itself, provides an image of contrast; an underdog rising up to power. This framing device of “reputation vs destination” allows Shakespeare to craft a multitude of situations which always unfold in Edmunds favour. When Edmund comes to “receive” a letter from Edgar, his father Gloucester is shocked to read it. He then tells the reader, “A credulous father and a brother noble, who’s nature is so far from doing harm” with a virile tone of authority in his voice, a quality created by Shakespeare to further emphasise his cerebral dominance, exemplified by his ability to trap Gloucester in his web of fictitious ideals.
False assumptions between characters in fiction often give rise to more varied situational outcomes. The red herring Edmund creates with his “Letter from Edgar” provides just that, restructuring the entire familial bond between Gloucester and Edgar. Shakespeare’s portrayal of the scenario allows the reader to sympathise with Gloucester and Edgar on account of their relationship being torn to shreds at the hands of Edmund. When Edmund then see Edgar, he instructs him to remain armed at all times, and to head for his lodging. “Pray ye go, there’s my key, and if you do stir abroad, be armed”. Here Shakespeare illustrates another angle of deceptive leadership.
Alternate expressions of leadership develop one’s ability to appreciate the different characteristics of different leaders. This is imminent in Frodo from LOTR, a vastly different character to Edmund. Frodo is portrayed as a “mere hobbit”, but one who comes into possession of an incredible power, “The one ring to rule them all”. This ring depicts a perfect example of Chekhov’s gun, its properties mysteriously and unknown until a further revelatory moment in the story. The stark contrast of his task against his racial reputation is amplified by Tolkien.
Often a symbolic event in fiction is representative of tenuous moments occurring in that time. An example is in LOTR, where Frodo’s company experiences a progressive dwindling of its members. This pathetic fallacy is representative of the greater need of independence in Frodo, in the changing situations the group faces. Tolkien poses some questions to the reader, what occurs when Frodo’s social network decreases in magnitude? What effect does this have on his ability and his desire to continue? This puts Frodo’s leadership qualities to the test, both through social relationships and fortitude to fight against adversity.
Rapid decision making is often required in critical leadership situations. An example lies in LOTR, where, after Frodo escapes Boromir’s accost in the Forest, he encounters Sam. Sam demands “Im going with you!” (To mount doom). Frodo accepts this. The new connective rapport between Frodo and Sam helps to reduce the lingering feeling of solitude felt for Frodo, and promotes ideals of his success. Shakespeare portrays here the influence Sam has over Frodo’s leadership decisions.
Occasionally the position of power may shift to minor characters. This occurs when Sam and Frodo are bickering over whether to “Keep him” (Gollum), putting Gollum in a light of dejected innocence as well as the position of power. He can choose to maintain secrecy or give into deceit. Then, following an aspersion to Sam’s request to help with the Ring, Frodo exclaims, “It’s my task, my own!” implying to the reader that the ring is altering his personality, adding a darker element of avarice, and forcing him to battle against its power. This puts a strain on Frodo’s leadership efficiency, a contrast to Edmund of King Lear, who continuously accretes his power.
In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but drive thematic patterning in their respective storylines. Overall, in King Lear, through the character of Edmund, Shakespeare analyses the concepts of necessitating altruism and justice into all leadership scenarios, as well he explores the idea hamartia in leaders such as Edmund. On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, is portrayed by Shakespeare to be the ultimate miniscule figure of success, overcoming obstacles and adversity with the strength, skill and determination of a born leader. Tolkien thus teaches the importance of will, and that the greatest power is vested in it.
Leadership is a conceptual framework of understanding ascribed to the notion of successful guidance of a group by one or more individuals. The whole idea relies on positive relationships between a leader and his people. Thus we arrive at an assumption; a good leader must avoid hegemony, form good bonds with his people and maintain determination to assist his people were possible. This framework of ideas is explored in various depths in Shakespeare’s King Lear as well as JR Tolkiens trilogy of novels, The Lord of the Rings.
Epideictic orations by a character in fictional works usually encompass a large revelation of the plots characteristics. Edmund delivers such an oration, a soliloquy expressing his great determination and cerebral strength. Shakespeare paints an image here of Edmunds importance, accentuating his ability to manipulate social networks to his will. As described in the story itself, Edmund despises society for renouncing him over his brother Edgar, who stands a noble, while Edmund a bastard remains. In his speech, “Thou nature art my goddess, to thy laws my services are bound…Now gods, stand up for bastards!” we are given the implication of a starting campaign of Edmunds, in his quest to escape the censure of society.
The insatiable avarice humans possess for material and social gain is what drives them to seek out these things. Edmund’s desire to transcend social barriers as a bastard in itself, provides an image of contrast; an underdog rising up to power. This framing device of “reputation vs destination” allows Shakespeare to craft a multitude of situations which always unfold in Edmunds favour. When Edmund comes to “receive” a letter from Edgar, his father Gloucester is shocked to read it. He then tells the reader, “A credulous father and a brother noble, who’s nature is so far from doing harm” with a virile tone of authority in his voice, a quality created by Shakespeare to further emphasise his cerebral dominance, exemplified by his ability to trap Gloucester in his web of fictitious ideals.
False assumptions between characters in fiction often give rise to more varied situational outcomes. The red herring Edmund creates with his “Letter from Edgar” provides just that, restructuring the entire familial bond between Gloucester and Edgar. Shakespeare’s portrayal of the scenario allows the reader to sympathise with Gloucester and Edgar on account of their relationship being torn to shreds at the hands of Edmund. When Edmund then see Edgar, he instructs him to remain armed at all times, and to head for his lodging. “Pray ye go, there’s my key, and if you do stir abroad, be armed”. Here Shakespeare illustrates another angle of deceptive leadership.
Alternate expressions of leadership develop one’s ability to appreciate the different characteristics of different leaders. This is imminent in Frodo from LOTR, a vastly different character to Edmund. Frodo is portrayed as a “mere hobbit”, but one who comes into possession of an incredible power, “The one ring to rule them all”. This ring depicts a perfect example of Chekhov’s gun, its properties mysteriously and unknown until a further revelatory moment in the story. The stark contrast of his task against his racial reputation is amplified by Tolkien.
Often a symbolic event in fiction is representative of tenuous moments occurring in that time. An example is in LOTR, where Frodo’s company experiences a progressive dwindling of its members. This pathetic fallacy is representative of the greater need of independence in Frodo, in the changing situations the group faces. Tolkien poses some questions to the reader, what occurs when Frodo’s social network decreases in magnitude? What effect does this have on his ability and his desire to continue? This puts Frodo’s leadership qualities to the test, both through social relationships and fortitude to fight against adversity.
Rapid decision making is often required in critical leadership situations. An example lies in LOTR, where, after Frodo escapes Boromir’s accost in the Forest, he encounters Sam. Sam demands “Im going with you!” (To mount doom). Frodo accepts this. The new connective rapport between Frodo and Sam helps to reduce the lingering feeling of solitude felt for Frodo, and promotes ideals of his success. Shakespeare portrays here the influence Sam has over Frodo’s leadership decisions.
Occasionally the position of power may shift to minor characters. This occurs when Sam and Frodo are bickering over whether to “Keep him” (Gollum), putting Gollum in a light of dejected innocence as well as the position of power. He can choose to maintain secrecy or give into deceit. Then, following an aspersion to Sam’s request to help with the Ring, Frodo exclaims, “It’s my task, my own!” implying to the reader that the ring is altering his personality, adding a darker element of avarice, and forcing him to battle against its power. This puts a strain on Frodo’s leadership efficiency, a contrast to Edmund of King Lear, who continuously accretes his power.
In summation, the texts “King Lear” and “The Lord of the Rings” give not only a practical application of the leadership framework but drive thematic patterning in their respective storylines. Overall, in King Lear, through the character of Edmund, Shakespeare analyses the concepts of necessitating altruism and justice into all leadership scenarios, as well he explores the idea hamartia in leaders such as Edmund. On the same note, Frodo, in the Lord of the Rings, is portrayed by Shakespeare to be the ultimate miniscule figure of success, overcoming obstacles and adversity with the strength, skill and determination of a born leader. Tolkien thus teaches the importance of will, and that the greatest power is vested in it.
Last edited:
Aerath
Retired
- Joined
- May 10, 2007
- Messages
- 10,169
- Gender
- Undisclosed
- HSC
- N/A
It's very difficult to get a full 20/20 (Modules are marked out of 20) anyway. I wouldn't worry about scoring a full 20 every time. All you really need to do well is a consistent 16 average.
hayabusaboston
Well-Known Member
we're out of 15 in yr 11 apparently... is that just HAHS?... hmm... how is my latest draft above? /15?
ultimatecricker
New Member
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2012
- Messages
- 19
- Gender
- Male
- HSC
- 2013
lol