Please help me correcting this. (1 Viewer)

[Petyo]

One of my texts for this Area of study, belonging is the film "Strictly ballroom". I've started writing my "detailed notes" 2 days ago and experienced heaps of serious problems.( I couldn't sleep at night feeling horror-struck at the thought that "i can't write"). I hope that someone would be kind enough to help me to correct this "thing" that i've written. You only need to pick out grammatical mistakes and check whether things are making sense. ( This is important as I'm from a non English-speaking background).

This is my writing:
The opening section of the movie represents much of the world that the movie characters exist. The ballroom dancing world is represented to audiences as a symbol for elegancy through the characters costumes and their graceful movements. The Waltz, which is also of a traditional type of ballroom music, combining with slow motion employed by the editor to the scene establishes the formality of the event. Overhead shot exhibits the general view of the room illuminated by enchanting soft light and multihued dresses. The first section of the scene thus depicts the glamour of the ballroom dancing world using visual film techniques. However, this is a false interpretation of the character’s true lives. These glitzy costumes only mask the inability in bringing forth the authentic beauty in dancing as well as the inability of dancers to express themselves as individuals. Those smiles are fake and strained because they are how dancers are expected to behave in their performances. This is proven as later on we see Liz- Scott’s partner, who is clearly in startling distress and shock due to Scott’s ”breaking the rules” but still manages to smile as she faces towards the audiences.
The dominant figure of this world, Federation President Barry Fife, is also introduced. Low angle shot and unappealing close-up are employed to depict his blatant power-abusing characteristics. Red curtain at the background accentuates his prominence as an antagonist.
The elegant flow of the Waltz is then interfered by Shirley’s shrilly voice: “Come on one hundred!!” revealing that this is more like a sport where winning is of tremendous importance. The glamorous side of the ballroom is further shattered by Barry Fife’s unseemly use of language: “What’s the bloody hell going on here?”
This section is also presented as a pseudo documentary on the incident at the Warratah Championship as Scott’s performance is continuously cross-cut by commentaries from Shirley and Les. Shirley dramatically burst into tears as she recalls the event. Her shock and distress of Scott’s failure proves how important winning is to her. However, Shirley’s hysteria seems to be mocked by Doug’s evenness and uninvolved expressions as he stares blankly at the camera during her dramatic discussion.
(many thanks for your kindness)

 

[dp624]

The opening section of the movie represents much of the world in which the movie characters exist. The ballroom dancing world is represented to audiences as a symbol for elegancy, through the characters' costumes and their graceful movements. The Waltz, a traditional type of ballroom music, is combined with slow motion in post-production editing establishes the formality of the event. Overhead shots exhibit the general view of the room, illuminated by soft lighting and multihued dresses. The first section of the scene thus depicts the glamour of the ballroom using visual film techniques. However, this is a false interpretation of the characters' true lives. These glitzy costumes only mask the inability in bringing forth the authentic beauty in dancing as well as the inability of dancers to express themselves as individuals. The smiles are fake and strained because they are how dancers are expected to behave in their performances. This is proven as later on we see Liz, Scott’s partner, but still managing to smile as she faces towards the audiences despite despite being in startling distress and shock due to Scott’s ”breaking the rules”
The dominant figure of this world, Federation President Barry Fife, is also introduced. Low angle shots and unappealing close-ups are employed to depict his blatant abuse of power. Red curtains in the background accentuates his prominence as an antagonist.
The elegant flow of the Waltz is then interfered by Shirley’s shrilly voice: “Come on one hundred!!” revealing that this is more like a sport where winning is of tremendous importance. The glamorous side of the ballroom is further shattered by Barry Fife’s unseemly use of language: “What’s the bloody hell going on here?”
This section is also presented as a pseudo documentary on the incident at the Warratah Championship, as Scott’s performance is continuously cross-cut by commentary from Shirley and Les. Shirley dramatically burst into tears as she recalls the event. Her shock and distress at Scott’s failure proves how important winning is to her. However, Shirley’s hysteria seems to be mocked by Doug’s evenness and uninvolved expression as he stares blankly at the camera during her dramatic discussion.

I corrected the grammar and stuff. However, if this is going into a belonging essay a lot more work needs to be done. You're not really to the point.

 

[*Cassie*]

yeh its good but its not really realting to beloging
dw though ive been makng that mistake with mine too i jsut talk about the techniques and forget to talk about belonging
you jsut need to say how the techniques create beloging. imo

 

[dp624]

yeh its good but its not really realting to beloging
dw though ive been makng that mistake with mine too i jsut talk about the techniques and forget to talk about belonging
you jsut need to say how the techniques create beloging. imo

not create, more like reflect an aspect of belonging.

 

[Petyo]

Thank you so much.
What i'm trying to do is to write like this for each every scene, and then when I finish I'll go over everything again and try to pick out ideas relating to "Belonging".
I dont know whether It would work, but I find it really hard to link what I've written- I mean the techniques to aspects of "belonging".

 

[Petyo]

This time I try to connect to an idea that relates to belonging [somehow].
Sometimes people choose not to belong to the world in which they exist. The world of ballroom dancers, as illustrated to the audience in the opening scene is prevalent by conformity as it’s where individuals behave as they are expected. Everyone dances in routines set by the Federation, except for Scott. Scott’s rebellion originates from his creativity and his zeal for dancing. Extreme close-up and slow motion focus the audience’s attention on Scott’s body when he performs his own invented moves at the Warratah championship. This separates him with the other dancers in the performance shown in the preceding overview shot, in which they all appear the same in their colorful dresses and fake smiles. This behavior of Scott is abhorred by many who embrace traditional values, and as they forewarn him, it could never bring him victory. His creative steps presented at the Warratah championship shows his determination of not belonging since following the ballroom traditional routines stifles his creativity and make him unable to independently express his passion for dancing.

 

[Petyo]

I don't think the point that i've written here is really convincing.

PLus, I've read the sentences over and over again and try to alter them, but somehow they still sound "funny" and not really suit to what I"m trying to express here. AAAARGH.

 

[dp624]

in my opinion the connection to belonging is better. but there's a lot of explanation going on. probably more than you need to get your point across. like, "This behavior of Scott is abhorred by many who embrace traditional values, and as they forewarn him, it could never bring him victory." doesn't really add much to your discussion imo. there's a lot of better things you can do

 

[Petyo]

Yea before typing i could feel that the sentence is unnecessary, but somehow I still wanted to add it in T_T. Maybe I'll just start a new paragraph for it.
Nevertheless, what do you mean by "a lot of better things" that i can do?

 

[*Cassie*]

not create, more like reflect an aspect of belonging.

yeh good point
like how do they techniques convey the meaning of belonging

yeh what uve written is better

 

[dp624]

you can
a) cut out the excess stuff
b) make sure you present your techniques and quotes in a concise manner
c) analyse the quote/example and technique to reflect belonging
d) have a strong concept for belonging throughout

etc

 

[Petyo]

you can
a) cut out the excess stuff
b) make sure you present your techniques and quotes in a concise manner
c) analyse the quote/example and technique to reflect belonging
d) have a strong concept for belonging throughout

etc

Thank you, dp for your helpful posts. I understand better what i should do now. I'll try again. There are so many things to fix .@_@. Also to integrate film techniques and quotes more effectively into argument lines is still complicated to me.

 

[Nicola1616]

happy to help anyone studying in Jan!!!!! send me what you've done if you like and I'll edit it
jstanghe@bigpond.net.au
cheers

 

[dp624]

Thank you, dp for your helpful posts. I understand better what i should do now. I'll try again. There are so many things to fix .@_@. Also to integrate film techniques and quotes more effectively into argument lines is still complicated to me.

Well, for example, something like this might work well.
*digs up past english essays*

Scott reinforces Huxley’s message that humanity’s relationship with nature is a timeless concern, characterising humanity’s creation, replicants, as ironically “more human than human.” This reflects the 1970s’ over-urbanisation and environmental decay, illustrated through the establishing shot’s chiaroscuro and pleonastic music. As such, the bleak mood symbolises the loss of emotions and interaction with nature.

Ok, so its not belonging, not even AOS.
but yea thats how i do it for me

 

[Petyo]

Your phrasing in that paragraph is really enviable. I think I'll never be able to write like that, even if plenty of time is given to me. I don't usually feel satisfied with my way of expression, and in Exams it becomes even more disastrous as I always try to re-write everything.
I remember that I've come to my teacher to consult about my writing problems a couple of times; and I hoped that she would show some better ways to express the ideas. Most of the time, her responses were " what you've written is fine. Just keep it simple". Well, I was a bit frustrated but I know writing skill can only be obtained through reading a diversity of books and regular practice; mere relying on teachers is of no use.

 

[dp624]

Yeah, what I think is that you can write as much as you want as well as you want.
Once you have an essay, go rip it apart yourself and change the wording a bit at a time. It really helps, I used to be quite long (more) winded etc.