Please mark my sor hsc response!!! (1 Viewer)

[tianarocc]

ive got an assessment coming up and I would really appreciate it if I got some feedback and a mark out of five!
the resonse is related to
- outline the changing pattern of religious adherence from 1945 to the present using census data
- account for the present religious landscape in Australia

Within Australia Christianity has been the predominate religion, followed by a minority of other religions or no religion at all.
Before 1947 Christianity was stably the dominate religion. It is evident Catholicism is the major domination of Christianity with the largest number of adherents with a percentage of 20.9% in 1947 to 2011 with 25.3%. Anglican is then followed by 17.1%. Other denominations such as orthodox have minor adherents from 28.5% in 1947 to a decrease of 18.7% in 2011.
Besides Christianity other religions have raised to attention such as Judaism due to immigration or new age religions such as numerology. Other religions started to present themselves more noticeably in 2001 with 4.9%. Secularism also came into view more principally in 1981 with 10.8% and has increased to 22.3% in 2011. Evidently other religions besides Christianity are becoming more involved within Australia.
Ultimately, Christianity was and is still to the present the major religious affiliation within Australia. However due to the rise of other and new age religions, Australia’s religious landscape will continue to change as more diversity is introduced.

 

[Maxwell]

I don't do SOR, but I can nit-pick some little things.

Within Australia Christianity has been the predominate religion, followed by a minority of other religions or no religion at all. PERHAPS THIS COULD BE “Within Australia Christianity has been the predominate religion, followed by a minority of other religions, or a lack thereof.”
Before 1947 Christianity was stably the dominate religion. It is evident Catholicism is the major domination of Christianity with the largest number of adherents with a percentage of 20.9% in 1947 to 2011 with 25.3% THIS IS CLUNKY, ESPECIALLY DUE TO THE USE OF ‘WITH’ TWICE IN SUCH CLOSE PROXIMITY. PERHAPS IT COULD BE “However, as evidenced by its large number of adherents --20.9% in 1947, raising to 25.3% in 2011-- it is apparent that the popularity Catholicism has exceeded that of Anglican’s, at 17.1% in blah blah blah, to blah blah blah in blah blah or w/e. Anglican is then followed by 17.1%.
Other denominations such as orthodox have minor adherents REPHRASE THIS SENTENCE. PERHAPS IT COULD BE “Other denominations such as Orthodox have minor adherents - although declining - as illustrated by a decreasing from blah blah blah to blah blah blah”
Besides Christianity other religions have raised to attention (this could be expressed better; i.e. Conversely, other religions such as the new age Numerology and Judaism have arisen, with the rapid increase in numbers of the latter being facilitated by immigration).
Other religions started to present themselves more noticeably in 2001 with 4.9% - HAVE A CLOSE LOOK AT THIS SENTENCE 4.9% what? Secularism also came *PERHAPS
“SECULARISM ALSO BECAME MORE PROMINENT IN 1981… ETC.” Evidently (EVIDENTLY IS AN EVIL WORD; IT TRICKS YOU INTO SAYING SOMETHING COOL WHEN IN REALITY YOU’RE SAYING “APPARENTLY”; I LEARNT THAT THE HARD WAY, LOL) other religions besides Christianity are becoming more involved within Australia.
Ultimately, Christianity was and is still to the present the major religious affiliation within Australia. However, due to the rise of other and new age religions, Australia’s religious landscape will continue to change as more diversity is introduced.

Overall, I think you have a pretty solid response; it really sounds like you know what you’re talking about! Good job and keep it up!

Oh, and sorry if some bits don't make sense, it's pretty late. And if I sound wrong, I probably am... I don't do SOR, as I have already stated.


Good luck!

 

[tianarocc]

thank you so much !!!

 

[hholbrook]

Hi, I recommend that you check out this thread, especially my response to give you some ideas. You should be aiming to write about 150 words covering everything I wrote. PM me if you need any help. http://community.boredofstudies.org/38/studies-religion/319504/please-mark-sor-1-hsc-response-restricted-stimulus-only-15-lines-thankyou.html