Please read need urgent help (1 Viewer)

[coolviv6]

Hi all

I am not doing too well in english at the moment and am trying to practice writting essays in exam conditions. I am wondering if any of you have spare time can you read my in the wild essay and tell me where i am not strong enough as well as what mark it probably would get me. I have attached it to this message and i believe it is called HSC 2006

Thanks a ton in advance
Jeff

 

[poisonives]

I think you have a good understanding of the issues however you really lack techniques (film techniques- setting, colours, shots and language techniques) which are really really important. Your expression could also be improved because you tend to repeat phrases like 'this is shown in', and it becomes mechanical.

So I would give you maybe a 15/20, not too sure. Hope that helps.

 

[Clever Chick]

I believe you are getting there but still there needs to be things fixed

Look at the way you start each of your sentences and see if you can find other ways to structure your sentence. Maybe highlight all teh first words so that you can see there is alot of repetition

Also make sure in HSC dont top and tail- by that i mean dont just write your concept and or question at the beginning or end of each paragraph you need to explore it throughout.

You also may find it easier to write if you talk all about text 1 and then when talking about text 2 link it all back to text one rather then just exploring a little of text 1 a little of text 2 then a couple end paragraphs comparing them.

These are just ideas and i am not criticising your work i think its good its on its way and im sure with work this could become a top response

Goodluck

PS- write to me after you get your marks hopefully you are happy with whatever you achieve

 

[coolviv6]

Thanks for the advice i realise that i really need to work on my terms as am constantly repating the same ones such as show and portray over and over again. Thanks for taking the time to read and review my work. What out of 20 do you think i would have got out of curiosity.

 

[vmoore]

good grasp of concepts
some things to work on

Topic sentences - make sure you have a short, concice topic sentecne which explains WHAT is it you are discussing.
you tend to have quotes in your topic sentences - not a good idea. even if you add a sentence before that, it works well.

Introductions - these need to summarise your answer and not repeat the q. you have just repeated the q for the openeing sentence. this should be more about defining what is controled why do we desire contorol and what are to consequesnces. '[FONT=&quot]The repercussions of this abuse of power and desire for control are catastrophic on society and humanity itself' is a good sentence (may need sometightening) and is much better than your opener. make clearer the effects. ie. ironically pursuing technology at the loss of humanity itself, leading to a 'wilderness' -emotional depravity.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Sentences - some of your sentences are too long and include too much. for example: 'A central theme in both texts is the question who should have the power and how much power should they hold in order to limit the abuse of power and reduce the consequences of their desire for power and control.' what you say is good and answers the q, but try break it up. it will make it more concise, easier to understand and easier to read.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
these arguments needs to be consistent throughout your essay. it doesnt mater wat you say, just make it clear and argue throughout. you have good quotes and you understand the texts.

as far as your concern about repeating phrases. not a worry, you have time. you said you are practising in exam conditions. this is good! over time you will think of new, better ways of expressing yourself. also, i find when your in the shower or adds during a tv show just think of how youll phrase certain ideas. this will help.

these are little points which can make a biig diff. easy to fix
[/FONT]

 

[lcoppin]

I started to edit and reword your essay, untill I got to the third paragph where it doesn't even make sense and it is obviouse you have not even been bothed to edit it yourself. It is clear that this is a first draft, and if you post up a final draft I wont be so reluctant in helping. Print it out, read it with a red pen and be harsh. Ask yourself would you really write this in the HSC ? English is all an attitude and interpretations so don't underestimate your brain, saying to yourself your bad at it will result in nothing but limitations of your ideas. If you can form your opinion and then argue it to persuade the responder to your side there is no reason to expect anything but full marks.

Some thoughts so far:
First sentence, first person “me” second sentence is has turned to “us”

The conjunction in the second paragraph is weak “This was also written”

“This is all portrayed in the book through the quote” . No No No! don’t refer to BNW as a book, it’s a novel. Never say “through the quote” just put it in and link it.

I did really like where you were trying to go with the second paragraph, but again it shows a lack of your own editing as it obviouse that they were not your ideas. Under community and Stability you were talking about how the contextuality effects it, and then for identiy you write,"characters we realize that the consequences of this stability is a loss of humanity as human relationships are abandoned."

Well according to your 2nd paragraph stability was a result for the push of the economy resulting in the great depression, so your saying as a result of the great depression in the 1930's humanity is lost as human relationships are abandoned. It would be MUCH better if had a quote to back up each from the novel. "international organization" - (quote from book)


I hope this makes sence to you. I still quickly reworded your 2nd paragraph but im leaving "identity" and the quotes up to you to put it.

“Community, Stability, Identity” is the world motto in ‘Brave New World’it is the basis for Aldous Huxley’s bleak prediction of the future and abiding by such a motto is seen as an effective cure. The contextuality of the1920s and 1930s is a reoccurring occurrence in Huxley’s dystopian writing. The community was considering the need for an international organization that runs the world to oppose occurrences such as World War and the Great Depression which resulted from a push for stability in the economy... (identity)