Poetry - tell me wat ya think of my poem (1 Viewer)

[B.O.R.E.D.]

Realising that i walk everyday for you ...
Speaking as tho we never loose touch...
Burning slowly throughout the day...
Our light, Never shall it die..

Its like im infected with the flu...
My heart tells me these stories of how much i love you...
When we talk and say our good byes i dont say i love you but on the inside i want to scream it out..
Thinking the words over n over in my head i wonder if you love me too...
Scared to ruin anything i let it rott away to nothing..
Or so i try it just wont leave...

I listen to the trees swaying in the wind leaf ... by .... leaf falling, slow thoughts pass through my mind...
he loves me ... he loves me not..
Crazily the thought grows strong...
I grow the courage to ask you...
Do you love me like i love you ?

Only to find myself cut down to nothing once again...
Crazy enough as i am i look again...
The grin growing on my face..
Feeling lifted out of my place ...
I feel the warmth of your heart touch mine..

Saying so many things in such little words...
But it explains everything...
My heart screams for you and only you..
My Broken Wings Begin to fly..

Although i have said nothing to you ....
The weight feels lifted...


im in yr 9 n im not too good at english im working on it

 

[settle*precious]

over use of "..." IT DOES NOT EQUAL GRAMMAR.

I don't like the line " Its like im infected with the flu..."

bit cliche.

buut, thats to be expected for year 9.

Eh, its alright. Seen worse.

 

[dwarven]

you must be really bored

nice work btw.
way better than anything i can do

i liked it

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

*precious]over use of "..." IT DOES NOT EQUAL GRAMMAR.

I don't like the line " Its like im infected with the flu..."

bit cliche.

buut, thats to be expected for year 9.

Eh, its alright. Seen worse.

=====================================================

thanks i dont really know why i kept putting "..." lol but thanks, i really enjoy poetry but i tend to have to be emotionally moved or motivated to write and it doesnt always end up as good as i'd like :S im working on becoming a LOT ! more intellectual then i am now

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

you must be really bored

nice work btw.
way better than anything i can do

i liked it

thanks lol thats all i can say really

 

[Ivorytw]

Elements of T.S Elliot, Chaucer even, you're definitely displaying artistic legitimacy for the English venacular, what with descriptive analogies like

"Its like im infected with the flu..."


It's hard to find quality literature in this day and age. But you my girl, you have spirit.

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

Elements of T.S Elliot, Chaucer even, you're definitely displaying artistic legitimacy for the English venacular, what with descriptive analogies like

"Its like im infected with the flu..."


It's hard to find quality literature in this day and age. But you my girl, you have spirit.

thanks, although not everyone is goin to agree with that . im kinda finding myself a little speechless :O

 

[veloc1ty]

As long as you enjoy it just ignore the people in this thread. It's not like you're trying to get published.

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

As long as you enjoy it just ignore the people in this thread. It's not like you're trying to get published.

thanks

 

[hingec]

Well its not great, but pretty good for a year 9

I suggest you go out and get a book called "The Writer's Voice" by Al Alvarez. It will help you out a LOT if you want to get into writing more - its the only set text for my english extension 2 course.

The only real way to improve is to keep writing and keep reading. I would suggest Donne if you like love poems

"We understood
Her, by her sight; her pure and eloquent blood
Spoke in her cheeks, and so distinctly wrought,
That one might almost say, her body thought."

one of my favourite extracts from him..
And remember - you don't have to be obsessed with rhyme, rhythm is much more important, so try some free verse.

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

Well its not great, but pretty good for a year 9

I suggest you go out and get a book called "The Writer's Voice" by Al Alvarez. It will help you out a LOT if you want to get into writing more - its the only set text for my english extension 2 course.

The only real way to improve is to keep writing and keep reading. I would suggest Donne if you like love poems

"We understood
Her, by her sight; her pure and eloquent blood
Spoke in her cheeks, and so distinctly wrought,
That one might almost say, her body thought."

one of my favourite extracts from him..
And remember - you don't have to be obsessed with rhyme, rhythm is much more important, so try some free verse.

in that one i wasnt trying to rhyme it sorta just happened :S and thanks ill look into =]

 

[gibbo153]

umm ?????? how can i 'just be... better at it' ? u have to improve to get better, isn't that right ?

ha i was just kidding

just keep reading. shakespearean plays are fantastic for getting familiar with poetry. hopefully you will study chaucer later on in english =] we did it last year and it was fantastic.

And remember - you don't have to be obsessed with rhyme, rhythm is much more important, so try some free verse.

yeah i totally agree. rhyme is restrictive in a way too. because the word that rhymes is not always the word that expresses the idea your trying to get across

 

[hingec]

Here are 3 examples of my shitty poetry

Starting in year 10 with a sonnet i had to do, note the horrible forced rhymes -


Dreams are those fairies beneath conscious reign
Now banish’ed away from cheerful light of day
And in the caverns of the brain decay
Like shackled prisoners they must remain.
But sometimes, deep in night, they slip the chain
Reason, the trusting jailor, they betray
And flee, to fill the brain with disarray
Here there and everywhere they run, insane.

Sometimes they join Titania's domain
Wherein, with glossy wings, they masquerade
And dance, muffled, in soft, flower’d, dell
Joyfully till dawn, when, caught once again,
They, to their dank prison, once more parade
To await the night, when they can rebel.

Petrarchan Sonnet, abbaabba cdecde rhyming pattern.

Then there is this short poem I did at the start of the term, about belonging in my neighbour hood.

The slap of bare feet
On sticky tar roads,
The muted nods and “G’Days”
That make up summer strolls
I love them -
Thongs, singlets, flannies
And fair dinkum tans
But black shiny shoes
Stripy new shirts
And knee-length beige socks
Complicate things.

And another I wrote in an early morning Ext 2. class

Tired eyes, dewey with sleep
Stare out at me from my face
The early morning shadows lengthen

Water bounces off my back
Half-felt, forgotten

Minutes fly past like swallows -
Swoops and dives of consciousness

Before I even know that I'm awake
An hour of my life is gone

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

ha i was just kidding

just keep reading. shakespearean plays are fantastic for getting familiar with poetry. hopefully you will study chaucer later on in english =] we did it last year and it was fantastic.



yeah i totally agree. rhyme is restrictive in a way too. because the word that rhymes is not always the word that expresses the idea your trying to get across

as i think ive pointed out ( bad memory lol ) i wasnt intentionally rhyming it was sorta a letter expressing my feelings n it just turned out to be a poem lol yeah depends on my english teacher i think it will mainly be on Shakespeare . i hope we do chaucer tho . but i do agree with the rhyming thing lol ive tried it b4 n yeah it just doesnt particularly work that way ... sorry if i have bad spelling lol

 

[B.O.R.E.D.]

Here are 3 examples of my shitty poetry

Starting in year 10 with a sonnet i had to do, note the horrible forced rhymes -


Dreams are those fairies beneath conscious reign
Now banish’ed away from cheerful light of day
And in the caverns of the brain decay
Like shackled prisoners they must remain.
But sometimes, deep in night, they slip the chain
Reason, the trusting jailor, they betray
And flee, to fill the brain with disarray
Here there and everywhere they run, insane.

Sometimes they join Titania's domain
Wherein, with glossy wings, they masquerade
And dance, muffled, in soft, flower’d, dell
Joyfully till dawn, when, caught once again,
They, to their dank prison, once more parade
To await the night, when they can rebel.

Petrarchan Sonnet, abbaabba cdecde rhyming pattern.

Then there is this short poem I did at the start of the term, about belonging in my neighbour hood.

The slap of bare feet
On sticky tar roads,
The muted nods and “G’Days”
That make up summer strolls
I love them -
Thongs, singlets, flannies
And fair dinkum tans
But black shiny shoes
Stripy new shirts
And knee-length beige socks
Complicate things.

And another I wrote in an early morning Ext 2. class

Tired eyes, dewey with sleep
Stare out at me from my face
The early morning shadows lengthen

Water bounces off my back
Half-felt, forgotten

Minutes fly past like swallows -
Swoops and dives of consciousness

Before I even know that I'm awake
An hour of my life is gone

awsome in the first one it reminds me of the gueen of fairies Titania lol im up to page 45