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Preparing the AOS- essay (1 Viewer)

zahid

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Planning the AOS Essay:

Ok now, I did inner journeys as my Core focus and what had occurred to me is that so many of the students in my yr12 Advanced class have problems with this sort of essay. Here is a little something that may make the AOS- essay writing a little easier for you.


Take for example this years HSC question "The journey not arrival matters", now my personal texts are My place, The town where time stands still, an artile- La Dolce vita and a poem.

Step one: Initial Ideas

"The journey not arrival matters"- Make links to your study of journeys
- Personal growth
- Overcoming challenges
- lessons learnt
- Understanding of self and the world
- Catalyst/ motivation
- obstacles
- Process, Discovery, emotional pilgrimage
- Continuity

Step two: Elements within the journey

- Time
- Context
- Social Backdrop
- Values, ethics, morals
- Environment
- Relationships
- Culture
- Conflict


Now you must be aware that 40 mins is not a very long period of time so you will not be able to incorporate all these ideas with your text, however the more successful essays always make reference to key elements of the specified Journey and uses techniques to strengthen argument.

Step three: Techniques

Its amazing the number of people the just retell the plot developments, what you need to do is be able to link language techniques that are present within the text and link them to your "Journey"- inner/ physical etc. You must then establish how this communicates "The journey not arrival matters", now whether you agree with the quote or not is entirely up to you, but the process must be followed.

Hope that helps a little.


Zahid.
 
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raistlin

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could i possibly post my sample essay for the AOS. i need some help to improve it. (teacher wont mark it but says its in the B range)
 

raistlin

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cool, thx alot. notice that this is way too long for a 40min response (still working on it)
Text Analysed: Empire of the Sun, Road Not Taken and Superman (song)
The Question is: "The inner journey involves the exploration of the self, as individuals are confronted with experiences which challenge and inspire them." - How have your texts develop your understanding of this idea.

here it is:

Inner journeys are journeys of the mind and spirit, the discovery of the self, which leads to acquiring new insights and understanding about the world. Empire of the Sun, The Road Not Taken and Superman are texts supporting the notion that “The inner journey involves the exploration of the self, as individuals are confronted with experiences which challenge and inspire them.” This concept is evident through the text, as the experiences within the journey are catalysts and motivations for the persona to change and acquire greater understanding about the world and themselves.

A most significant and effective exploration of the concept of inner journeys is Empire of the Sun, a semi-autobiographical novel by J.G Ballard. Empire of the Sun depicts the life altering journey of an eleven-year-old protagonist Jim Graham during the World War II. Living in Shanghai, the British expatriate Jim lives an affluent life with chauffers and servants. His upbringing consequently made him self absorbed and culturally insensitive to the Chinese people. This is evident as “Jim felt sorry for the old beggar, but for some reason he could only think of the tyre patterns in his foot” Jim, the child has believes that he is the centre of the universe and that everyone should be interested in his doings. However, as we go through the episodic nature of the novel we see Jim searching for a sense of self as he matures from childhood to adulthood.

The normal challenges of adolescence are compounded by Jim’s difficult circumstances and the moral dilemmas created by war. Jim faces many tests of his spirit and beliefs. These tests are central to Jim’s physiological and emotional development, as he is challenged and inspired by the experiences he undertakes. Ultimately, Jim learns that the world has changed; comes to understanding that war is about destruction, cruelty and psychological pain. Ballard uses powerful imagery to convey the motif of death and suffering evident through the “regatta of floating corpses” and “…women on the floor were barely alive... flies swarmed over their faces, darting in and out of their nostrils”.

Basie and Dr. Ransom are major influences on Jim’s moral development. Through Basie Jim learns the art of ingratiating oneself to others for a reward and learns to steal, even from the dead in order to survive the wartime situation. Through Dr. Ransom, Jim learns about health and hygiene. Ultimately, Jim’s relationship with Dr. Ransom leads him to new understanding that “having someone to care for was the same as being cared for by someone else.” abandoning his self-absorption. Jim’s new moral values towards people are also evident as he stays with the dying Mr. Maxted and his changed attitude towards the Chinese people; Jim believe that one day China would emerge and take revenge.

The Road Not Taken, written by Robert Frost is a highly figurative poem that relates to the concept of inner journeys both on a literal and metaphorical level. Using symbolism and extended metaphor, Frost explores the process and impact of inner journeys through the persona’s journey throughout his life, the choices he made and the road he travelled.

Written in first person narrative, Frost presents the idea of an individual facing the difficult unalterable predilection of a moment and a lifetime through “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood”. The adjective yellow symbolizes the wood as hope and metaphorically symbolizes that the personas’ in the autumn of his life, a time of reflection, maturity and change, suggesting that the decision will have a significant impact. The persona recognizes that “way leads on way”, symbolically suggests that journeys have many obstacles and challenges; this presents the idea of the on going implications of our choices and the ramifications that flow from them. Like Jim, the persona is alone and unaware on this quest and like Jim; the persona must face the barriers and deal with the challenges.

Frost uses the symbol of “morning” as a new beginning, where the subsequent stanza changes tone into a nostalgic and sentimental tone with the usage of the emotive “sigh”. The journey undertaken with the decision of “one less travelled by”, inspired and changed the persona to have a unique life where his decision “has made all the difference”. This also suggests a neutral tone of the personas attitude towards his decision and ultimately sees reality and accepts it. Unlike the persona, Jim regrets his decisions; for example, he later recognizes the potential value of the materials in the suitcase for bartering with the Japanese. The Road Not Taken is a structured poem that portrays the metaphor of “road” as life, where whichever road you take, no matter how similar it may seem, the outcome are never the same.

In Empire of the Sun, Ballard uses the recurring images of light to symbolize strength, survival and reflect a world in chaos. The motif of light can be found in the title of the book, also in “a flash of light fills the stadium” to symbolize the "light" as the Hiroshima bomb being dropped on Japan. When Jim returns home and finds that Shanghai “remains the same” the perception explored is that war ultimately alters nothing. In exploring the theme of war, the novel points out that war isn’t won by bravery and heroics but by technology and power.

Performed by Five for Fighting the song Superman is about self-discovery, a journey to the interior evident through "I’m just out to find a better part of me". Composed by John Ondrasik, we see the persona emerge with greater understanding and changed attitude of the self as they face emotional challenges and inspiration through their journey, just like Jim. Like the persona, Jim has a strong imagination. At the beginning, Jim was fascinated by the valour of the Japanese and the technology of war, especially the planes which is evident in the image “…feasted his eyes upon the aircraft.” Like the persona, Jim dreams of being great evident in Jim’s recurring dreams to be pilot and “fly” with the Japanese. The persona aspires to be Superman as he dreams, unfortunately realizing that it’s all illusions and that the world of supermen does not exist in real life, evident through "I'm not that naïve”.

The persona knows all of these illusions will disappear when he wakes up evident through "find a way to lie 'bout a home ill never see” and “I’m not that naïve”. Jim compared believes that his dreams of war are real until he ultimately learns that war in reality is brutal and chaotic. The repetition of “I can’t stand to fly… I’m not that naive”, shows that men are supposed to be realistic in our world; however, the persona cannot help to dream. Like the persona, Jim’s dreams are greatly influenced by the newsreels and the media. The motif of films is evident as “the whole of shanghai was turning into a newsreel leaking from inside his head.”

The song has irregular rhyme and no clear structure, this presents the idea that an inner journey is unpredictable and we cannot see the journey clearly, like the “bent” road and “undergrowth” in the Road Not Taken. Ondraski uses repetition “Inside of me, Inside of me…” as the persona is rethinking, repeatedly in his mind and contemplating to himself. In the final verses, the poet creates the message that we all try to be supermen and everybody's aspiring to be Superman, but sometimes that's very hard, very disappointing, and we tend to lose the humanity in ourselves. “It’s not easy to be me”, the personas journey to the interior did not necessarily change the person’s perspective about the world however, the persona ultimately has better understanding about himself. Superman looks down inside yourself and trying to touch what you have. It supports the notion that inner journeys are filled with emotional challenges, however surreal or unrealistic it may be.

Through the texts studied, we learn that inner journeys are catalysts and motivations for the persona to change and acquire greater understanding about the world and themselves. The texts show that inner journeys provoke the undertaker to challenge his ideas and thoughts about the world and himself. Ultimately, we learn that the journey undertaken changes an individual as the undertaker concedes with re-established views and attitudes of the self and his surroundings.
 

raistlin

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the most help i need, i think is shortening it. its currently about 1400 words, but i can only write about 800words in 40mins. anyways, any help is much appreciated.
 

zahid

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"The inner journey involves the exploration of the self, as individuals are confronted with experiences which challenge and inspire them."

key words:
Exploration of self
Experiences
Challenges- inspire

Your essay is great, perhaps a little too much content, but ur analysis of techniques is good. let me suggest a few ideas that may be of benefit.
I can only see aspects of comparison within the last few paragraphs, this needs to be sustained throughout.
Consider a change in structure, instead of presenting your ideas text by text, present them element by element.

FIRST Phase

for example this year I did an essay and this is kind of how I did it.
"...The exploration of nature and environment provides us with a vivid insight into the nature of inner journeys. It allows us to consider the observations and challenges put forward by various composers. In the evocative poem “The lake isle of Innisfree” by William Butler Yeats there are many connections that are established which make references to physical landscape."

continued

"Equally we must consider that an inner journey is influenced by both external and internal factors. The nature vs. nurture debate is extremely important to consider in this case. In the film “American History X”, racial prejudice presents itself as a major theme. However we must question if in fact Derek- Edward Norton’s behaviour is genetically pre- deposed or influenced by his surrounding environment."

also

"Similarly in the reflective article “La dolce vita” by Daizy Gadeon the environment conveys distinct ideas in relation to inner journeys. The composers use of sensory imagery- ‘long blue hilly coastline’ seems to re-emphasise ideas explored in the “Lake istle of Innisfree”. However in this instant the environment also acts as a catalyst for enlightenment- ‘when you see something so pleasing and inviting…you feel more receptive’. Through positive subjective exploration of the environment, the composer has been able to exemplify one’s connection to the landscape, which generates a sense of belonging with the natural environment."

always stress your opinion and ideas, DONT CONFORM. Such as the nature vs nurture debate was from my own research, teachers luv to see extra insight.
 

zenger69

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B- Range would really mean Band 5.

But i'd think it's a really high band 5 essay.

So it'd get you about 12/15.

The next level is to integrate them into one and talk about ideas
So each section instead of going
-Text 1
-Text 2
-Text 3

Becomes:
-the initiation of the inner journey.
----text 1 & 2 & 3 all synthesised nicely
-the process
-----text 1 & 2 & 3 all synthesised nicely
-the outcome & big bang conclusion:
----just a reference to text 1 and 2 and 3.

Also teachers hate this kind of stuff:
Using symbolism and extended metaphor, Frost...............

Remember techniques can also be quotes. ;)
 
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Hey guys I've read through your thread and kinda worked on my own prewritten essay for my half yearly exam nxt week. While my study area on journeys is imaginative journeys, not inner, I was hoping you'd guys be able to tell me how its looking at the moment and how to improve it.
Is it alright if I post it up here?
Cheers
 

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On the note of integration...in discussing issues as opposed to texts individually, how do you discuss 5 different texts 3 times without the response becoming cumbersome?

I'm doing Skrzynecki (2 poems), Stimulus Booklet and 2 related materials. At the moment, I've got an integrated response, but it discusses only the process and the outcome - nothing about initiation. It seems difficult to discuss 3 issues, because with about 400 words per issue, you can really only spend about 80 words on each text, which seems rather small.

Btw. what's the best way to use paragraphs in an integrated response? If you're only discussing 2 or 3 issues, then it looks rather odd to have a one or two page paragraph for each issue...
 

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zenger69 said:
Also teachers hate this kind of stuff:
Using symbolism and extended metaphor, Frost...............

Remember techniques can also be quotes. ;)
After quoting from a text, what's the best way to discuss the use of the technique itself? Somewhere in the response, you're going to have to identify that a particular quote demonstrates the use of metaphor, simile, hyperbole etc...you can't really assume that the marker knows that you have quoted a metaphor or simile.

In your opinion, what's a better way of saying: "Using symbolism and extended metaphor, Frost..............."?
 

zenger69

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maybe not bluntly saying it...

Using symbolism and extended metaphor, Frost explores the process and impact of inner journeys through the persona’s journey throughout his life, the choices he made and the road he travelled.

Frost explores the process and impact of inner journeys through the persona’s journey throughout his life, the choices he made and the road he travelled through symbolish of "yellow woods" and the extended metaphor "two roads"

It sounds a little better. doesn't it.
 

zahid

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zenger69 said:
Also teachers hate this kind of stuff:
Using symbolism and extended metaphor, Frost...............

What do you mean dude?...techniques are techniques, if they apply then they must be stated.
 

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zenger69 said:
maybe not bluntly saying it...

Using symbolism and extended metaphor, Frost explores the process and impact of inner journeys through the persona’s journey throughout his life, the choices he made and the road he travelled.

Frost explores the process and impact of inner journeys through the persona’s journey throughout his life, the choices he made and the road he travelled through symbolish of "yellow woods" and the extended metaphor "two roads"

It sounds a little better. doesn't it.
Hmm...so paraphrasing it?
There's no real way that you can avoid stating though. I guess you just have to "hide" it within what you're writing.
 

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Btw.
Suppose you write a response text-by-text, does that virtually limit you to a 13/15 or a 17/20?
If you raise exactly the same points and use exactly the same evidence to support your argument, but instead you integrate it, could you get a 14/15 or a 19/20 as opposed to the 13/15 or 17/20 you would otherwise get?
 

zenger69

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according to my teacher if you respond text by text you limit yourself to a high band 5 mark such as 12/15.
If you do it fully integrated and synthesised, you have the possibility of getting full marks. But then your essay could be really badly structured and be penalised.
So I stick to the text by text method with some integration.
(Like i'd be talking about text 3 but then make reference to text 1. eg. John the protagonist of John the movie is in the same situation as Frost's persona at "two roads diverged" where John has to decide between learning more about his special talents or forever trying to suppress it).[/I

also Zahid what i meant was teachers hating that stuff, was that teachers hate it when you say in the opening sentence "using" "through metaphors" etc. Teachers at my school would mark you down heaps if you used those methods because you were being "unsophisticated"

You have to kind of hide and it inside the essay of the use of techniques. Cos my teacher calls this "sophisticated". And also quotes should be hidden into the sentence.
instead of "The protagonist is initially suicidal as he says "I really want to die and rest in peace""
you could say "At the beginning of the play the protagonist felt like he needed "needed to die and rest in peace"
 

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zenger69 said:
according to my teacher if you respond text by text you limit yourself to a high band 5 mark such as 12/15.
Although, I've seen a couple of Exemplar responses that have gone text-by-text...

zenger69 said:
If you do it fully integrated and synthesised, you have the possibility of getting full marks. But then your essay could be really badly structured and be penalised.
How do you structure an integrated response well, coz I find that's been the hardest task so far in not writing text-by-text?

zenger69 said:
So I stick to the text by text method with some integration.
(Like i'd be talking about text 3 but then make reference to text 1. eg. John the protagonist of John the movie is in the same situation as Frost's persona at "two roads diverged" where John has to decide between learning more about his special talents or forever trying to suppress it).
Is it best to stick to that approach? Can you still get a 15/15 with a semi-integrated but text-by-text response?

zenger69 said:
also Zahid what i meant was teachers hating that stuff, was that teachers hate it when you say in the opening sentence "using" "through metaphors" etc. Teachers at my school would mark you down heaps if you used those methods because you were being "unsophisticated"
Is it still ok to use words such "uses", "using", "through the use of" in mid-sentence? Or would that still be looked upon as unsophisticated?

zenger69 said:
You have to kind of hide and it inside the essay of the use of techniques. Cos my teacher calls this "sophisticated". And also quotes should be hidden into the sentence.
instead of "The protagonist is initially suicidal as he says "I really want to die and rest in peace""
you could say "At the beginning of the play the protagonist felt like he needed "needed to die and rest in peace"
What if you use more interesting language such as "professes", or "proclaims" instead of "says"...is that still unsophisticated?
 

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Integrated all the way. Its harder but my teacher says its what gets mid band 6's. You can get band 6 with a text by text analysis, however it has to make up in other departments.
 

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velox said:
Integrated all the way. Its harder but my teacher says its what gets mid band 6's. You can get band 6 with a text by text analysis, however it has to make up in other departments.
What if you discuss it text-by-text, but point out the similarities between each text?
Is an integrated response necessary for every module, or only Section III of AOS?
 

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