Rules for fittings rooms:
1. 6 items means 6 items. Not 7, or 8, or 11. Don't give me a bitchy look when I only let you in with 6.
2. Do not SHIT in the fitting rooms.
3. Do not URINATE in the fitting rooms.
4. Do no bring your pathetic friends into the fitting rooms with you and graffiti it--you're not a hard cunt, you're a fucking loser with no life
5. Don't leave your clothes in the fitting room, bend over and pick them up.
6. Do not ask me to keep going and getting different sizes for you, I am obviously busy enforcing the above 5 rules.
Rules for registers
1. Control your fucking brats of children, if they fall off the railings that separate the registers after I have asked them twice in a very nice voice to 'hop off please sweetie', do not bitch to me how dangerous they are and tell me 'its a law suit waiting to happen'.
2. Put the money IN MY HAND, not on the counter. It is the height of rudeness.
3. Do not approach a register whilst on your mobile phone. If you are talking on a mobile phone, you are invisible to me. I am prepared to wait 3 hours until you have hung up.
4. When I ask you how you are today, you are right in assuming that I don't really care, but it is only polite to acknowledge my greeting.
5. Do not hand me foreign currency and expect me not to notice. Or two 5c coins glued together and spray painted gold. Don't get bitchy when I refuse to accept it.
6. Don't ignore me when I ask 'cheque, savings or credit'. Im not asking because I like the sound of my own voice. Don't let me press the button and then refuse the sign the credit card validation slip because YOU didn't press it.
7. If you do not know what flybuys is, when I ask you if you have a flybuys card, just say NO. Don't look at me with a stupid look on your face.
8. When the cash only sign is lit up, it is not lit up because we need some extra light in the store. It means I will NOT accept any cards. Don't go on to yell "well how are we supposed to know?!?!" after I have lit up the sign and been yelling it down the line before every transaction. I will only point at the lit up sign and you will look stupid, not me.
9. Don't bring shit to the registers that doesn't have a barcode on it. When I go on to tell you that I need to get someone to get a barcode for it DO NOT roll your eyes and tell me how much it was. I can't just type a price into the register, it doesn't work like that.
10. Don't fucking change the prices on the stock you bring up. It will still scan at the regular price, and the mangled price sticker really gives it away. If you are clever enough to change the whole barcode, I WILL realise that the $90 playstation game I am scanning is not a $14.99 set of building blocks.
11. If it scans wrong YOU DO NOT GET IT FREE. Do not screech to me that you 'know your legal rights'. I will take much joy in correcting you and letting you know 'that is not the law, ma'am, it is a policy adopted voluntarily by the bigger supermarket chains'. We a not a supermarket, nor are we bound by the policy. If you wish to argue that we are a supermarket, kindly point me toward the fresh foods and I will gladly give it to you for free.
Rules for the service desk
1. Don't come back doing something completely dodgy with store credit vouchers or returns and then get the shits when we catch you out. We have seen your dodgy attempt at scamming us a million times and won't let you rort the company, no matter how many times you jump up and down and sulk.
2. I AM the boss. Don't ask for someone higher.
3. No I will not accept a pair of shoes that have clearly been worn and have nothing wrong with them apart from being the wrong size. If its not in a saleable condition, I will not take it back.
4. Don't bitch to me about the lines being long. I am only going to point out that its christmas, a busy time of the year, and that EVERY REGISTER IS FUCKING OPEN!
5. Bag checks are not optional. We are not asking if you would like to show your bag, we are telling you to fucking open it. Alternately we can call the police and you can sit in our security office for 3 hours until THEY arrive to check it.
6. The $25 delivery fee is not a suggestion, its the fee. If you don't want to pay the fee, we don't want to deliver it to you. Simple.
Rules for layby
1. There is always a chance we will misplace or lose your layby. DO NOT wait until 6pm on Christmas Eve to pick up your child's new bike. If we can't find it and don't have anymore in stock, we're not the ones with the disappointed children.
2. No, I will not waive the service fee 'just for you'. I don't care about you anymore than the next moron in line.
3. I don't care if you have had to wait for 30 mins and am going to 'report me to head office in Melbourne' They care even less than I do. Do not get even more enraged when I fail to express any concern that you are going to 'report' me.
4. When we tell you we need 3 days notice for you to pick up certain items, we aren't doing it so we can put on make up, get our hair done and look our best for you when you come in. It means your items are NOT IN THE STORE!
Rules for the phone
1. LISTEN to me when I answer the phone. If I say "hello <store location> how can I help you?" don't go onto ask if this is <store location>. Its not a game.
2. Don't get pissed when you have to wait more than 30 seconds and call back 3 different times on 3 different lines.
3. If you can't speak English, don't even bother calling.
4. No I will not hold something for you if its on sale. Get off your arse and come into the store like everyone else.
5. When you are angry, don't bother asking for surnames of staff members so you can 'report' them. No matter how much you yell and swear at me, its not information I am going to give you.
6. Don't try and have phone sex with me, we have your phone number and you will get a suprise phone call back from the cops.
Rules for the selling floor in general
1. I don't care if you work in retail and think we should be doing something a different way.
2. If you drop something on the floor, fucking get over yourself and pick it up.
3. If you open a packet, I will make you pay for it. Or we can discuss it with the police. Your choice.
4. If a door says 'emergency exit--door is alarmed', don't test it.
5. This isn't the singapore markets. Our prices are not negotiable. Don't come and haggle with me.
6. One word: deoderant.
7. You glaring through the doors at me at 8:55 will not make me open them any quicker. In fact I will probably wait till 9:05.
8. Next time you look at the logo on my uniform and ask me if I work here, I am going to just keep walking.
9. If I have am carrying my handbag, eating a sandwich and talking on my phone, I am NOT going to stop to help you ponder which brand of engine oil you should buy.
10. In general, being rude will not make me try to help you. Just a tiny bit of niceness, gratitude and understanding go a LONG way.
