At the doctors office:
- if you come in and I ask you what test you are having : DON’T say “CT Head – to see if there is anything there you know?!” I hear this joke from every single CT Head patient that comes through. IT IS NOT FUNNY
- If you are having an ultrasound, I will give you an instruction sheet for either drinking water or fasting. WE GIVE YOU THIS FOR A REASON. If you don’t follow the instructions we can’t give the ultrasound. Don’t bitch to me because its too hard to drink a litre of water.
- Similarly, if you are having an x-ray, I will tell you to make sure you bring back the referral. The radiographer wont scan you without one. Don’t come in and say you left it at home. No I cant print you out another one from your records, I am not a doctor and don’t have the authority to do so. You will either have to go home and get it (no I don’t care if you’ve come all the way from Mittagong) or I will make you see a dr to get a new referral, and don’t bitch to me if it is a long wait, you’re the one who left the original at home you idiot.
- If your child tells you they feel like they are going to be sick, ASK FOR A BOWL OR GO TO THE TOILET. Don’t just let them throw up in the waiting room and not tell any of the desk staff about it. Its disgusting, the other patients and the staff do not want to see, hear or smell your childs vomit.
- If when you come in I tell you there are 7 patients on front of you, and it will be about an hour and a quarter, don’t go and come back 4 hours later and expect to be at the front of the queue. I told you how long it would be, so be back within that time moron.
- Also, if you decide to go home or whatever because the wait is too long, when you come back IT IS NOT MY FAULT ONLY 3 PATIENTS HAVE GONE IN. I do not control how long doctors take with each patient. If you bitch about it the doctors WILL find out and push you back because you are being a whingy motherfucker.
- If I am helping you with something, but I get paged by a doctor in the middle of it, I HAVE TO GO STRAIGHT AWAY. I am usually just running bloods or films to them up the hall. I will be about 45 sec. Don’t get all uppity when I come back, they’re my bosses, youre lucky I’m even helping you in the first place.
- If you are in the waiting room with a screaming child, get the fuck out. None of us want to hear its crying. Take it outside or sedate it or something.
- If you want to find out how much longer it is, ASK ME YOURSELF. Don’t send your verbally incompetent 7 year old to ask me. Also, if I say what doctor you want to see, don’t keep just repeating YOUR name, fucking neanderthal.
- On the same note, do not come behind the counter to check where your file is in the queue. That door is for the doctors access, not yours and it is a vilation of privacy you bastard.
- Don’t make lame jokes about how you live at the surgery. The reason I remember your name is usually one of two reasons:
a) you are in here every single week to get a new script because you “left the original at your sisters” or “all your pills fell down the sink”, etc. We know you are a fucking junkie we got a letter about you, you’re under a Medicare audit and being tracked by every doctor you see.
b) You’re one of those mums who thinks your child is sick when youre really just making excuses to come in because you’re stalking the doctor.
- When you come in, TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE HERE FOR. Don’t just sit your fat arse down on the waiting room. Whether its doctor /dentist /pathology /immunisation /dietitian /psychologist /physio /radiology, I need to know. If you don’t tell me I cant mark you off and the appointment will run late. Have some courtesy for the provider and the patients after you.
- Just because you are always here, does not mean you get frequent flyer special treatment. You are here enough to know the doctors’ hours. Do not show up at 4:30 and demand to see a certain doctor that you know full well finished at 4pm. They finish at these times for a reason. They are very busy people and would never go home otherwise. So rack off until tomorrow or see someone else.
- The sign on the front door says we close at 4pm on a Saturday. Don’t come in at 4:10 and ask to see a doctor. If I tell you we are closed and not accepting any more patients, don’t try the whole worried mother thing on me. It is so fake, especially if I am nice enough to let you in, turn the clock back on the Medicare voucher (so I don’t get my arse kicked) so you can see the doctor. This will make me especially mad if you went on and on about how sick your son is, and I found out all he has is excema. Next time you come in I will make you pay, you grease-haired rat-toothed bitch.
- If your child swallows a months worth of your OCP, do not bother calling the GP. Call an ambulance or the Poisons Information Line. As if you would waste time calling us when I have to waste time asking the dr to take the call, which I know full well they won't, and don't bitch about it to me, you're the incompetent fuck who left her pills in reach of a kiddie.
That is all I can think of for now…its so fun to put it out!!
It sounds as if I hate my job, but I don’t. We have some of the loveliest patients, they bring us stuff for Easter and Christmas and this one lady (whose birthday is the same as mine) and last year brought me flowers. Some are sweeties and some are arseholes. Just gotta deal.
