Sci-fi Story (not finished)...Hoping someone can give me some feedback? Thanks :) (1 Viewer)

[Chazzz91]

...”Tell me you love me” I demanded.
It looked at me, cocked it’s head to one side, and shook it’s head.
“I order you to love me!” I shouted.
It looked at me, a slight smile playing on its tin lips.
I sighed, scuffed my shoes on the legs of the hard chair I was sitting on. I had created it to love me. I had created it to feel human emotions. I had created it to express its need for human contact, but it felt nothing. It needed noting. It loved no-one.
I was alone, with a tin robot, staring at me...and nobody to love...

How could I force it to feel? I had programmed it to feel some kind of emotions, but the only thing it was attracted to was my kettle. As it slid across the room, towards the kettle, I lunged in front of it. Picking up the kettle with one hand, and caressing the robot with the other, I smashed the kettle to the floor.
However, I forgot about my new invention, where particles of everything in the room were intertwined with each other. This meant that, as soon as the kettle smashed, the pieces slowly slithered towards each other. The kettle stood, as if new, before the robot. A love triangle was formed. Myself- yearning after the robot, the robot- gliding towards the kettle, and the kettle- piecing itself back together.

 

[BookChick91]

i think that it's good so far so keep going and try to send a copy to your teacher. i hope you do well.

 

[alcalder]

I sighed, scuffed my shoes on the legs of my hard chair. (Just a suggestion but the sentence was long and kind of wordy)

... (The previous sentence uses a past participle and now you use a present one. Then back to a past participle. It reads weird.) Picking up the kettle with one hand, and caressing the robot with the other, I smashed the kettle to the floor.
However, I forgot about my new invention, where particles of everything in the room were intertwined with each other.(What does this mean? Again a bit wordy. Shorten it and make it snappier and it's gold!) This meant that, as soon as the kettle smashed, (Leave this out just start here -->) The kettle pieces slithered towards each other (Avoid as many adverbs as you can humanly avoid). The kettle stood, as if new, before the robot. A love triangle was formed. Myself- yearning after the robot, the robot- gliding towards the kettle, and the kettle- piecing itself back together.

Looking good.

 

[GoldEyes]

I like.

I have a story posted on BOS too .